Is this shit really happening

One day, seriously, ONE FUCKING DAY, things are going to go right for me. They have to.
The law of averages say so.

Just another test I need to get through....

When the Fuck do I graduate?

The fastest 3 hours of my life

I swear, I have had three hours of sleep that lasted longer.
Delores And I met up at the mall. She was coming from an errand and I was out seeing customers and could spare some time.

We talked, and sat in the lounge area. Walked around some. She actually got to see me work. I had to field a call that ended up with me needing to put out a fire with a customer. She was also with me when I walked in to set up an appt with a new chef.

She also got in my truck and I drove her somewhere for the first time in nearly 20 years. She held on to my arm and would bury her nose into my shoulder sometimes. It was the best. I had a hard time driving, I just wanted to look at her. It has been a month since I have seen her.

We went to my office to pick up a few things and went back to the mall. What prompted the drive was the fact that I had to get there by a specific time and we either had to say goodbye there or she could come with me.

I am so glad she said yes

Fantasy Land

I start to wake up... the sun isn't quite up yet, but enough light is coming in to see.
I stretch out some in bed and roll away from the clock and look at bundle of brown hair.. it's breathing softly.
One arm over me lazily. I push back the hair gently, and look at an angelic sleeping face. Content, mouth open a little, breathing ever so quietly.
I would lay there and look, just take it all in.. part of me not believing it.
It's Delores

I've never slept next to her.. not real sleep. Laying down.. saying goodnight... a kiss.. a cuddle... sex or no sex ( that would keep us up a while) and a full on restful 5-6 hours of sleep. I don't think I would believe it was real

I've thought about how I could make some changes to the apartment and build an additional two bedrooms to bring it up to 4. That would give each kid one of their own. And how to put in a private area for Delores to work in. This place was originally an office, so it is laid out already sectioned off into various compartments. It really wouldn't be that difficult.
Sure I would have to dispose of or store some items, but it could be done.

Reality, unfortunately, prevails.
It really isn't the best idea at this moment. Not yet.... Not saying it isn't possible, but right now it would cause even more problems

Downtime

I finally have a little bit of a break.
No kids this weekend and nothing really pressing except laundry and cleaning.

This could not have come at a better time. I was starting to lose my mind with constant pressure.

Sure, the boss has asked me to make a decision if I would like to keep my job or not
Sure I have some work to do on sunday.
Sure, I need to start pumping out the resumes.

But I need the break first. I kinda "took off" last night. vegged in front of the tv for the first time in forever. Couldn't get on the net, which I think was a good thing. Had quite a few drinks, but didn't go into oblivion like I intended. It was pretty relaxing.

I'm going to do whatever it is that I feel like today... ALL day.

Tonight, I'll hit the resume, I think I will be much more productive after a full 24 hours of 0 pressure, because I feel pretty damn good right now.

What's the point anyway

I have failed at everything that I have ever attempted.

Everything

Why do I keep trying?

I failed

Motivate, Motivate, Go, Go, Go

I need to reach inside and pull myself up again.
The constant beat downs are taking their toll and I am finding it hard to get anything done.

All I have heard has been negativity; a lot of "I won't be the only one to suffer", "You had better watch out". I have been given some impossible tasks that, to me, we're designed to ensure failure.

I know I can pull off the impossible. I've done it before. It's just so hard to do when you're already on the ground getting kicked in the face.....

I'll find it. I'll find away to get myself up. I just wish that a break was an option; just a few days to recover. But the only answer I get is more pressure, more beatings. It will demoralize even the strongest of people..

I don't have a choice, I have to get up and keep fighting it out. That's the only way to know if it can be done. To quit is to ensure that it can't be done.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to make it. I am.
I don't fail

Honestly

With all my heart

As much as I do my own children

Strange how love works

OHHH THANK GOD

I don't think I can ever ask for something again....
I actually didn't in this case. I didn't pray, I didn't beg, I didn't do anything other than think about what the fuck I was going to do.

I had a mental list of all the stuff I was going to sell...
How I was going to make room if need be....
I started to plan a lot of things....
But Fate stepped in again......

constantly checking

I am constantly checking my email.
I'm worried, very worried.
I have had the unfortunate privilege of witnessing first hand what happens to someone.

The shit hit the fan this morning, in a worse way than I expected...

But I did suspect... I kinda already knew

Wish You were Here

"We're like two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year"

Thank you Pink Floyd

I wish she was here. I'm not being selfish, or possessive, I just think that right now... at this moment, here would be best.
Just because that is what I think.

And we could do that. Lounge on the couch, relax. I could hold her hand; I could hold her.
And we could think

I would sneak in a kiss or two

but we could think, the two of us; together

OH shit......

We have a little bit of an "oh shit" on our hands.

I'm a little nervous, not as much as you would expect..

I wonder why that is? I think it's because it'll be just fine.

We'll find out tomorrow

I hope