Rejected

I filed my taxes yesterday.... Today I got the "Your Return Has been Rejected" email..

Fucking figures... The same SSN cannot be claimed as a deduction on two different returns regardless of what it's for... Upon further investigation, what that email should have said was:

Mr. OG,
Your tax returns have been rejected because you cannot win. You have filed a return with a legitimate and legal deduction for Day Care expenses that you have paid. What you seem to not understand, is that our archaic laws are designed to make sure that you pay DEARLY for marrying the wrong person.

We fully understand that you have paid over $12, 000 towards your children and that you still have to pay taxes on that and that your Ex does not have to pay taxes on it even though she will spend it as she pleases... Child support is not considered income on her end regardless of it's use. She does however, get to use any and all expenses regarding your children as deductions on her taxes indifferent to how much you have financed.

We also failed to mention that she gets to write off property taxes and mortgage interest paid even though she not only abandoned the property in the PREVIOUS tax year, she also did not contribute a single dime towards any of the loans that she took out. We also made sure that we taxed you on your bank accounts that were locked because of her non payment, and on behalf of the lender, we thank you for paying those loans.. but no, you can't deduct shit... It's what you get for getting married. So HAHAHAHAHA

Spring has Sprung

So Spring has finally snuck itself in. The weather is getting warmer, jackets aren't required anymore, grass is greening, leaves are growing....critters are out running around.

Everything is starting again fresh in the world... I kinda am too.

While I am STILL fucking unemployed, I have a bankruptcy process started. It'll all get wiped out, all the crushing debt... I'll get a fresh start.

I was pet sitting last week and a friend asked me to help get a house ready to go on the market as she didn't have any of the tools or experience fixing house stuff. Contractors and such were asking way to much for what amounted to a few hours of work. Not only did I get paid for it, the realtor happen to show up and liked what I had done.."impressive" was the word used. She asked for my info because she has a bunch of houses coming on that need a lot of work, and I had done better than anyone else they have used before...

So I got an idea......

If I can't find a company to hire me, I'll just start my own and say "FUCK YOU" to all of them.. It's a gamble of course, and I'll have to put in a lot of time and energy, but I have some references now... and a few friends in real estate... I know my abilities and I KNOW I can make it work, I just need a few others to give me a shot to prove it. It'll be slow going at first I'm sure... but I'm going to do it. I also don't really have a choice at this point.

I'm going to work for myself, I am going to build a successful company. I am going to do it from the ground up and I am going to do it on my own (with a little help, of course), but I am GOING TO FUCKING DO IT!!!

I'm going to build my own fresh start... and the really, really nice thing... I actually enjoy doing it.

what the hell????

That fucking Matt Nathansen song is fucking everywhere again..

Seriously...twice in the same god damn store

I hope it's quick

So...... she's on vacation... Plane should land in an hour or two.... same place as last April shortly after everything went down. With just a few differences this time around:

I'm moved in this time and not unpacking
I don't have the kids anymore
I don't have a job to occupy my days

She said I wouldn't hear from her this week... and I believe it too... so much shit has changed. Last time I did get something about once a day. I think I will probably hear something mid week and I'll bet it will be like that last vacation update; I've picked up on that pattern already so it is kind of difficult to say I want her vacation to go slowly... but I do... as far as relaxing vacations go. But I have a feeling it will be anything but.

I hope it goes by fast for me. Shit, I hope a lot of things go by fast for me... and others I want to go slow, but I don't think that is a real option. You can't have both in that situation.

Just another waiting game I need to play.

Who knows, I may have a warehouse job by the end of next week. I had an impromptu interview yesterday that was scheduled on the way to my initial bankruptcy hearing.. He wants to conduct a background check first, which won't be an issue on my end. The money might be. It's an hour drive one way and when he brought up compensation, the number I threw out was about half of what I was making, but enough to cover my bills and fuel expenses... and I got that "are you kidding me" look.. If I get the offer and get low balled... as long as it pays more than I get now, I might just take it and try to trim out even more expenses. At least it's warming up and I don't have to run the heat anymore.... A/C I can live without.

Just like everything else in the world.. time will tell..... who knows.. maybe things are starting to turn around

So I am an enigma

Well, my gut feelings were confirmed on Monday... I wish that was something I could turn off, but it's just one more thing that I'll have to learn to live with I guess... and yes.. each feeling had to do with Delores..

Well one of my friends posted a hilarious status regarding her son and the yard and both of them freaking out crying because of a spider... yes... a spider. What makes it so funny is that after a few minutes, she realized it was a plastic Halloween decoration..... hehe
So me being somewhat of a prankster started a "spider of the day" campaign and I post random spider pictures on her wall. So she called out for anyone who knew my weakness and as soon as I saw that, I knew exactly who was going to come forward and what he would say.... the best part is that he was wrong. My best friend came forward with something that I'm not terrified of, but I just don't like.

So their mission failed.. It was funny seeing all the weird pics that kept popping up on my wall.. They couldn't find it. I don't have any phobia's, there isn't really anything that paralyzes me with fear.. Nothing that I can think of. I can't even recall I time that I have been frozen.
So I get a text asking me what the hell is my weakness.. I said something like " good beer and fine women"....but I did honestly reply with "nothing"..
The response I got was "you are an enigma".. I can't be figured out...
It kept being pushed.. and the exact words were "Everyone has a Kryptonite and we will find it"

No they won't. In order to figure it out, you would need to know how I think, how I behave, what I would do in a given situation and how I would do it.

No... no paralyzing phobias. Yes, I am hard to "get", to figure out.
Yes, I have a weakness, a Kryptonite.. but that is mine, only for me to know

But I guess that is part of what makes me.. well.. me

We will call her Linda

Linda used to be a good friend of mine.. and Ex's... and quite a few other people. We all worked together in a restaurant/bar for crap money when we were in our 20's. That is pretty much when the true life paths are chosen... at that age... that kind of environment can test your decision making ability as well..............

[insertion of quick reflection] Ex and I worked here as a couple already, left when we got "regular" jobs, got married, invited some of these co workers to it, bought our first house and celebrated at this bar, and some of them helped us move.... and countless other stories of the couples and hookups and breakups and failed marriages

Linda got back with her old boyfriend while we all worked there.. she had taken a few cracks at the manager and one of the waiters,,,, and funny enough.. my brother (I will ALWAYS find that amusing... mostly because she has always said he refused to have sex with her...which would be odd.... and I'm sure Delores has some stories about his choices and places... ). But this was the man that she loved......

I would ask her directly how she got the bruises on her arms..."I ran into the wall the other night".... I would ask why her wrist didn't work very well (we worked in a free-pour bar and it was obvious)..." I tripped last night and hurt it"... I pointed it out to EVERYONE that we were friends with.. My direct questioning/hinting wasn't working. And they stepped in as good friends do..... and asked about everything we could see. Remember, this was a friend who wasn't this accident prone before.

one day, I had to ask her "Linda... who punched you in the face and gave you that eye and lip?"
"Oh.. no one. I fell"

"You know.. I'm going to kick the shit out of him. You need to seriously drop him NOW. This shit ain't right...." ...and so on and so on and so on......

Everyone else stepped up to. There was no beating around the bush, we directly confronted her. We knew he was hitting her and said it to her face. She had dozens of offers of places to stay indefinitely.

She quit the next day...because he told her to.....married him a few weeks later.
None of us went to the wedding even though we were invited. She was going to do this, and we wouldn't watch it happen.

Linda popped up on FB a few weeks ago. I send all the recommendations out to the old crew... and we were happy to have her back.. I even told her straight up, in the first conversation, We knew he was hitting you, WTF??....

she said to me "I should have listened and I didn't then, but I need a favor"

4 of us moved her out this weekend to her mom's apartment. She left a lot behind including a stepdaughter that has been like her own for 10 yrs.... 10 yrs she put up with it. What boggles my mind even more is when I asked her what took so long... She told me "I was done 4 yrs ago and it took me this long to do it"....

I can understand some things... I took a lot of verbal crap from a trophy wife because, plain and simply, that's what she was; high maintenance through and through. ridiculously attractive, but had to have her way. I'm out now and all the happier for it..... Delores takes it (these are my thoughts) for the "safety"... no confrontations, not having to explain to anyone why.... not having to go through with it.....hurting someone... She has her reasons. One thing I do know, according to her, there is no physical danger... But she and I did have an interesting discussion about DH and what he has been up to the past few months and the behaviors are strangely similar to those of the "unfaithful"... trust me, I know. I've seen it it from many angles.
But Linda had nothing.. she lived in her in-laws basement... her husband, not exactly a model.. in fact... Jack Black would be a good description of him and she was not permitted computer use without him knowing all passwords and usernames... seriously.. I cant even comprehend that.

Linda got beat up for 10 yrs.. her friends begged her to drop him and even didn't attend the wedding. She married him and continued to get beat up even though her husbands ex wife tried to tell her to go (why can't some just listen to anothers mistakes and not repeat them?) Her In-laws told her to leave him because he was a POS (piece of shit).. That would be his own parents. And it took her 10 years....

Linda now lives in a room smaller than a jail cell with everything that was important to her... but now, she is able to go out, and have a cell phone, and see her friends... She wasted 10 yrs of her life and even more realistically, 4 yrs... because that was when she was done. 4 yrs waiting on "the right time". The right time came when she got fed up on waiting on him hand and foot despite the back and leg injuries that have crippled her. She turned 36 last week and is permanently disabled (not wheelchair bound or anything, but very difficult to employ).

That fucker is so lucky that his parents told him to stay away... because I would have shown him what it's like to have someone stronger throw you around.. I may have even fucked him after beating him to shit, just to prove a point ...

But that would have made me no better than him

Beware the Ides of March

holy shit......

I hope its the time change

I've had this fucked up feeling the past ...well technically, few days now. Its a sinking in your gut. You know, the feeling from a roller coaster drop or when you drive over a hill to fast. It's not constant... but close. and it hits me in waves.
Sat night I got it around 9:00.... I had it again late sun morning and another wave at around 4:45 Sun afternoon. Its the same feeling I get when something big happens to someone close to me.

I emailed Delores to see if she was alright.... I haven't heard a thing... not all weekend... I hope to GOD it's not my kids, but I would have gotten a call about that (I like to think). Ex isn't exactly communicative now that she has moved in with her boyfriend. That is one of the reasons I've decided to grab hold of some bootstraps.

I've let my place go some over the winter months... It's been tough; its cold in here, the power is questionable (only because I need to pay them and keep fending it off), hot water is lacking (and I can't really complain because I owe back rent), I dug some old memories out of boxes which are now strewn all over the kids' room, I've done some repairs and have a couple tools laying around..... So I need to baby proof again.

I've been working on it this weekend...cleaning this place up. Especially after the move I helped with (that one, I will cover in a different post...its a FUCKED up one).
I want to see my kids, I want them to stay over here and spend time with me. I want my son to grow up knowing ME as his dad... his genetic dad...the one that made him and loved him and carried him when he was sick. Not the guy that stepped in (literally) on my boy. Not the guy that got to hold him and bounce him on his knee and look at Ex and say "Well, he was almost mine"....
My little girl loves him to death. I'm sure he's a nice guy and all, but my kids..MY KIDS moved in with him. He has no choice now but to meet me. And he will do that when I pick them up at HIS FUCKING HOUSE AFTER AN UMPTHSFR HOUR DRIVE.... just to turn around to bring them here, and reverse process 24-48 hrs later. I really cant afford the several tanks of gas for this, but I am going to do it. Because I need it. I need to see them and have them here. I need to watch them sleep, and see the things they do. To watch my girl and help her arrange her toys....to see my boy before he is 2 and only thinks of this other man as his his dad. And help him find bugs and sticks and dirt and worms... that is so much fun and I miss them, I miss them so much

I'm also going to have to explain why the dog isn't here anymore. They don't know yet. My girl will probably take it hardest. She has grown up with dogs, and I have always been the one tasked with being the bad guy and having to explain it on the brief visits I get....just shit I need to do I guess... I guess its "the price I have to pay" for marrying the wrong woman.

I am going to try to get my kids this weekend... and because of the timing, I'm going to try to get them this week...and I mean during the week....but I have a feeling that there will be an issue with "the family". but I am still going to try.

I really need to see my babies

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE

check the link to Delores' blog? I clicked it last week and had to force it... someone just check it and tell me if it works or not

back up

my blog is back up by popular request

breakingdelores.blogspot.com

Memory Lane

I took a trip down that road today.. I went back and looked over the stuff I have put up over the past year... Fixed some of the broken links to things. I didnt do any editing or anything like that, but I hadn't looked back on those things for quite some time and there were a whole lot of memories... some good, some not so good.

Some that I had forgotten about, and some that I'm not so sure that I want to remember. But they are there.

I've decided that I am going to keep this up regularly.. At least something once a week ....if not more. It is pretty therapeutic banishing some of the stresses of life out here to cyberspace and dumping them onto others and letting it become their problems....

And God knows that there is just more shit in the pipeline waiting to come flying down on me

the email link works now...... thank you Delores

OK.......

the email link is not working... I will deal with that shit tomorrow

But it is the actual address if you care to test it out

Say it!!!!

All comments are welcome.. I may not like them but believe you me... I have heard a ton of shit in my life that I would have preferred not to hear. I have comments open and unedited for a reason. They are not subject to approval by me.. so just say it.. and this is at the person who wanted to.... twice.

I'm going to set up an email for this. that way, if there is some sort of non public communication that you would like to do, it can happen.

How's about them biscuits?

And yes

She did help me with my resume

FINALLY!!!! Someone with some cojones

This is pretty much directed at Danielle and anyone else who shares those thoughts but was afraid to speak up for some reason. I offer some explanations:

She has occupied my thoughts for nearly 2 decades.....half of my life.. That has never stopped and I have come to the conclusion that it never will. It is just part of my daily existence; just like my knees cracking and popping every morning and giving out occasionally. Just like my shoulder not working like it used to because of the dislocations, like my sinus issues from the countless broken noses and the nightmares that still haunt me from time to time. Those are part of me, just like she is. It all has to be lived with.

My ability to rationalize:... You would have been right about that last year. A lot has changed since then. There was, back then, the euphoria of the reconnection and it could really be better described as obsession. And that obsession was in both directions from both sources. Trust me, we have calmed down quite a bit since then. There used to be hundreds.. HUNDREDS..of emails, texts, IM chats, and FB comments every day. Now, its just a few emails and some days there are none. Trust me, I can rationalize just fine now. The feelings, however, cannot be just turned off.

She has taken over my blog:
NOPE... couldn't be more wrong there. She deleted hers. I was disappointed when she told me because there is now a lot of background information that is lost to any newcomers. She is part of this story and always will be, because she is the reason that this was started. I made her a co author by my own choice... trust me, she was not exactly keen on the idea

OOPS.. READ THIS FIRST

Mar 7 (3 days ago)

OG
to Delores


I just sent you an invitation that I didnt mean to send without checking how it worked first...

I made you an author on mine if you are interested and then realized that I have no clue how you have your profile for blogging set up....
If you are interested, but have a different Gmail that you used for that, I will need that one instead


OG
I don't know why.. but for some reason, it seems like a good idea right now


Mar 8 (3 days ago)
Delores
to OG


OK i'll take a look



Delores
to OG

Mar 8 (3 days ago)

but why do you want me to be a co-author? it totally changes the meaning and purpose of your blog. i would rather be a spectator.


OG
to Delores
I don't know why.. It just seems like not such a bad idea for you to have the option.. It still feels ok,,

Hey, you accepted it :) I can remove you if you would prefer. But NO ADMIN privileges... thats mine. hehehehe



Delores
i posted. i feel like shit, but it was honest.





OG
to Delores


I'll look in a bit. I'm sure that its nothing that I don't already
know or can't handle.

I'm still not sure why I thought it a good idea for you to have that
option, but you obviously don't think it to bad an idea either.

I will only ask the obvious....don't hit me with any crushing blows there.

I will take you off if you ever get uncomfortable with that power, you
just have to ask. And will tell you if I need to do it for my own
reasons

Delores
to OG


Even when being delicate, there's a fine line when dealing with emotions. And in the end, I think I'll be the one who receives the crushing blow, not you.


OG
to Delores


That is a very real possibility.
And it may even come from me; time will tell

I don't know if its an irony or not, but you and I now have one more
thing in common in this fucked up triangle...which is probably more of
a hexagon..I would need to sit down and ponder it if I really cared
about the geometric shape

Delores
to OG


you could always go after his wife? you may even know her, she went to [rival high school]. [her name].

OG
to Delores


She worked at [place I used to work long ago] and drove a white Mustang...... and it's worse than that.. she was [name on list] back then. (if it's the one that I know). Blond.... not very bright?

I'm filling the gap in my resume. would you be willing to give it a once over?


OG
to Delores

I cant believe that we actually just said that to each other.. that was weird


Delores
to OG


I will take a look. not sure about the mustang or the blond hair, but she is very smart. she's an attorney with a JD from [prestigious law school].


OG
to Delores

phew... not her. the one I know is dumber than a post

We actually had that conversation two days ago.
As far as the physical appearance of my blog... that is my doing and it is a work in progress. It was kind of boring so I decided to add some color, and I am still working on some graphics as well.

Life After Heaven and Breaking Delores

There are some explanations to these chosen url's that you all may not know about.

I can easily explain mine, Life After Heaven...... Breaking Delores however, requires some insight into a lovely young woman.

I have never asked her about this and I wont. She has the full capability now of not only commenting to this, but also posting her own rebuttal, or even asking me to remove it completely (which I would if she asked)

It's easier to start with the beginning.
January of 2009, Delores started a blog url'd "The Road to Divorce".... The big D word.
And she lit that thing up with posts. there were some that I liked reading over and over again; it was nice (not always) seeing what she thought of me in print. I saved a lot of them and still have them to this day. But one day.. it was gone. Almost immediately after I looked, I got an email from her saying that I was reading it to much. That was why she changed it.. I still remember where I was when I read that. I let it go for a few days and then admitted to her that all that it was, was that I had favorite parts that I liked to look at... She understood that and sent me the new one...Breaking Delores...the Big D word and 62 days of Heaven.

Now I know that those of you that have seen it are saying "no... it's 73 days of heaven". You are correct.. except that it was changed... 62 days was when she started the original blog.. we took a "break" and thought it was over... then another at 73 days... "The Bust" happened at 120. Believe me... heaven does not describe it.. and oddly enough, the saga continues... approx 490 days later (plus or minus a day or two, I didn't actually count this time)

I actually think that was a more appropriate one... Breaking Delores. Because that was truly what it was about, her breaking..... Breaking down, breaking away from DH, breaking away from me, breaking down to her core and coming to the realization of what she wants her life to be. Breaking out of the shell she has always lived in, breaking her out. I stopped reading it shortly after because the whole purpose was to help her sort her own shit out; me included. I always knew that eventually there would be things I didn't want to know about there. She even warned me that there might be; we had gone through a few "lets not communicate" periods during this time.. they didn't last long, it was way to hard... still is. But that was how Breaking Delores was born...

On March 4, all hell broke loose. a question was asked, a confession was made, I received a phone call from an appropriately pissed off husband... I was scared shitless for her. I went days not hearing from her and I was terrified. her FB went away (we were friends up until then) and I was blind. I freaked out because all I wanted to know was that she was OK. But I did hear from her after a day or two.. all this shit went down while I was in the process of moving.

Then.... then I got an email that simply said "I wish I had a blog to read over and over again" OG's Story was birthed right there.

I set it up (mind you, I'm not a writer by any means and have never done this before) and had to select a unique url for it.. and I racked my brain for an appropriate one.. lifeafterheaven was available (not anymore). I thought it was.. life after the heaven I had known. This was to be my story, and it still is. It still really is Life After Heaven... that heaven being Delores. She is still around and she is still an integral part of me and there is still a lot that can happen in that arena, but this will always be life after heaven.
Because heaven ended the day I got that phone call

I need to get Skype

No.. I don't have it, yet.

I saw Delores tonight.. Not in person (but almost), but I saw her.
We video chatted on GChat, which sucked ass and kept locking up but I have only done a vid chat 3 times... with one person. Once with Yahoo at my old house and no audio, and twice here using Google.

I hadn't seen her since august of last year and she looked GOOD.. DAMN GOOD :)

The rest of the story is mine... mine to keep in a nice little memory box all to my self

one more thing (from delores)

i don't believe it's possible for a man to be in love, deeply truly in love, forever. only in the movies and, in fact, only in one particular movie - the English Patient

i feel like i just evaporated into thin air

Heart

so... OG gave me (Delores) access to write on his blog. I'm not sure i should ever write here. the reason i deleted my blog the other day is because it's public. nothing i wrote on that blog was anything i couldn't tell to OG's face. but now i have some things that are going on in my head about the other other guy, the one currently deployed, that might hurt OG's feelings. simply writing that much is difficult, knowing that even this post may hurt him. i don't want to do that. i exchanged raw emotional honesty with OG. i accepted his love and, for a while, i returned it. i also, lest we forget, accepted an important apology for some stuff that caused me deep long-lasting pain. and i forgave him.

but my heart is mostly somewhere else. there is still an element of "what if" in me with regards to OG, i admit that. but i've taken my heart that i wrapped up neatly in a gift box, and handed it over to someone else. someone who (we'll see) might not feel its weight. i am not asking anyone to watch me get run over by a train. i'm just asking that those who care about me, including OG, respect my decision to follow my heart's desire. and when i'm face down in the mud, just give me some time before you say, "i told you so."

don't forget that my heart has a hole in it. atrial septal defect that can allow a clot to bypass my lungs and go straight to my brain at any moment. i found out today that i am not a candidate for surgery to fix it.

There is nothing wrong with OG or the way that he loves me. he is so many wonderful things. i am just drawn more now to someone who shares a very specific - life changing - experience with me.

in the end, i only really have my son anyway. my son behind one chamber door, and my vibrators behind another.

Yup.....

her blog is gone. I just checked it
I'm going to keep the link up for a little bit... as a tribute to all those things gone that now only live in her mind.

She said there was nothing there that she wouldn't tell me, but that's the problem..there was over a years worth there and she writes a hell of a lot better than I do...

I'm not going to ask, because I really don't want to know... At least I can still ask her if I need to.......
And that means more to me than I think anyone will ever know because at this time last year, I thought she was gone for ever

WTF PEOPLE????????

2 ??? .... Friggin 2 opinions???
90 + visitors this weekend from all over the world and only 2 of you had anything to say about this.
You guys suck.

Doesn't matter so much anymore. It's become a one sided story. Delores told me that she took her blog down. At some point, I need to check the link before I remove it, but I've become so conditioned to not look, that it might be a little difficult to look. Even if it's there or not.

How do I know how many people have looked? I have a tracker embedded. Really for curiosity reasons. Now... it doesnt pinpoint anything. It just gives you a number of hits and a general location like a major city or internet node of where the hits come from.

I was going to post a "secret", but I told her already today when she said that hers was deleted, so I will just segue into this here....
I don't know when, if, or how many times Delores reads this. Sure, the information is there, but I have had readers from her area for quite some time now and all it takes is for your ISP to change nodes for a few days and things get reset. I do know she has read it recently because she asked me about my list of conquests.

No, I am not proud of it, but I am a king among meatheaded womanizers because I can recall that many names off the top of my head... They've even bought me drinks for it. And its that exact thing that got me here, in this situation...

Back to the issue at hand: WTF??? 2 damn opinions from all this:

Poll closes at midnight St Patricks Day
The anniversary of my discharge from the United States Marine Corps

popular opinion

well...
Danielle says to fold

Any one else have any thoughts?

I think I'm going to put up a poll. Now that doesn't mean that I'm going to have any decisions made for me, but I am curious what all of you think about this mess.

I will tell you one thing that I WON'T do. I won't just walk away... I've searched my soul and have come to the conclusion that I want her in my life in some kind of capacity. Believe me, I've had a long time to think about that one.
It may seem masochistic, and it probably is in some ways..... and I may seem like an idiot to some of you but I am perfectly aware of the risk/reward involved.

I will have her rip my heart to shreds, stomp on me, spit in my face and walk away before I lose my soul again to "what if".... a shattered heart will heal. a lifetime of regret will not

Poker simulates life

I play a lot of poker on Facebook.. Zynga... Texas Hold 'em... If you've never done it, you should try.

I play quite a bit and I'm pretty damn good at it. If you play, and participate in the shootout tournaments, chances are that you have squared off against me and didn't even know that you were in a chat convo with me...hahaha

But back to the point.... there are times when its down to just two of us and it's pretty even... my opponent goes all in and on the table is 10 J Q all spades. I'm holding 9 spade and K heart..

I have the K straight. The turn and the river are still to come. I still have a good chance of pulling off the flush...unless he is holding the A of spades and even worse, the A K of spades... that is instant death. He could also just have 2 pair or even trips...possibly the same straight that I have.. he's been betting heavy on 2 pair all game.

Do I call and end the game one way or the other.... or fold it. My chances are pretty good, but they could also be pretty bad depending on what the other guy is holding....

Call or fold.......call or fold

and yes, this is a screwed up metaphor for my situation

Maybe not

Maybe it's not Checkmate

I'm going to stare at this board a while and make sure

He's gone

Didn't find him... I think he's gone for good.

I'm kinda glad I didn't because in all honesty, I didn't like him and neither did anyone else.

I guess I need to go on being me. I'm not such a bad guy and people like me the way I am....

Life goes on

Checkmate

Endgame
It's over

I waited until this time and this moment (even though it really is at around noon) to post this. I stayed up just for this.

She made her choice and it wasn't me. Nothing I can do about it.

Welcome to 1 year ago today that I was called by DH and told to be patient.... little did either of us know that her heart actually lay somewhere else and we were just pawns in a game. I got played.....very well to. I deserved it....reciprocity is a bitch sometimes, but she got me back... and got me back well. Plotted the stayover, and the clandestine meetings, winning my kids over with a simple smile and making them ask about her. It's not going to be pleasant delivering that news to my little girl...but at least I prepped her the past year with "we never know..." I'll make it an official " No, we won't" if I get to see them and it comes up

She fed me lines about dreaming, and fantasizing, and wanting and hoping.... and making me believe that all this time it was about me when it wasn't.
Over a year she strung me along in her game and dealt the final blow..." hahahaha FUCK YOU.... YOU HEAR ME?.?.?.? FUCK YOU, YOU PATSY!!!!!!! Now I can be with the one I want because all the paranoid attention is focused on you... how does it feel dumbass?? You REALLY believed I gave a shit about you?? How stupid are you? You fell for it and now I can pretty much do what I want as long as it doesnt have your name attached....stupid, jobless shithead that thought I cared about feelings....."

I wish I could believe all that... that would make it easier. But plain and simply, she doesnt want me because I am who I am, even though she lied to my face about loving me all this time.... now, now I'm just "confused"... her words....and I am confused.

I do know one thing...... I will start living now... and living the way a single and recently unattached man should

I have a year of living to make up for...... come on dude, where are you???? Not in this one... maybe the next one

I put it here instead of emailing it



Familiar words......

Now I get to just watch and then pick up the pieces AGAIN and then set you on your way so you can show up in 15 yrs and do it all over again
and again
and again
and again

you got me.... you got your payback..... isn't that enough?

You are such an asshole

I used to hear that a lot.
In high school, when I was on active duty, as a bartender early on....
I was and I deserved to be called much worse. And there is only one thing I can say to:
( in no particular order)

Alicia, Amber, Allison, Amy, Sylvia, Jess, Stephanie, Heather, Elizabeth, Chrissy, Alesha, Korinne, Alexa, Chay, Renee, Becky, Leslie, Renee (yes 2), Jeanine, Rachael, Sarah, Lauren, Tiffany, Erin, Kate, Leeanne, Dor, Ruth, Christine, Jen, Jessica, Jen, Brenda, Katie, Brenda (yup), Brandi, Irena, Kat, Kathy, Jen, Andrea, Susan, Shay, Kelly, Kerry, Jen (holy shit.. lotsa Jens) Heather, Robin, Michelle, Jackie, Therese, Cheryl, Liz, Kathy and her friend, my friend's mom (yes, i actually did do that),the Israeli chick (that was AWESOME), the stripper in Alabama and the 2 Army chicks on that base, whatsurname in Temecula and you from the bar in Oceanside, the one from Coyotes in Carlsbad and all the ones from the basement bar I used to work at and pretty much the entire female population of Riverside, CA.... If I sat here and thought about it, I would come up with the rest, but you all know who you are.....
I'm sorry for being an asshole. I realize now how many bridges I have burned because I really liked some of you but I also know that the time has passed and I can only savor the fond memories of the ghosts of the past. It's time to move forward with what I have learned.

What have I learned??? I was much better off as an asshole.
Think about it... have you ever met a successful person that wasn't? I haven't.
I killed that guy long ago and now I regret it something fierce. Maybe he's not dead, maybe he's just sitting there in hibernation waiting to come out. I hope so because I need him now, and I think I know where he is..........
He's somewhere in this case of beer and I'm gonna find him. When I do, I will make sure that he knows how much he meant to me back then, how much I miss him, and what a great team we made before and will make moving on...

I can't wait to wake up with him and shave his face

a year in the making

Yup... just a year. A year to the day

Tomorrow is the anniversary of "The Bust"... today its been 365 days.

Kinda fitting, don't you think?