two years ago....almost

I was delivered some of the worst possible news any man could ever have to hear almost two years ago... next month it will be two years.

I thought I was going to die when I heard those words..... "I don't know if you're his father".... my boy was a month old... to the day... and she chose our anniversary to tell me...

"I don't know..."

Not a "I fucked around when we were trying for a second child and I'm sorry, but he is yours"

Not a "I fucked around on you, he's not yours...I'm sorry)

(this is all nutshell conversation shit.. I really don't like reliving it again, thankyouverymuch)

I don't know.... and then the worst three weeks of my life started... worse than any car accidents, any bloodshed, any firefights... any of it..... the worst three weeks I have ever experienced to date.

I had to wait out a paternity test.... the results came back the Thursday before Father's day... he was mine. And it was delivered in such a cold manner that I know that is where a lot of my resentment for Ex comes from... from the "he's yours" and then going back to watching tv.. because her life didn't change regardless... but mine could have..... drastically.

We lived under the same roof for months, trying to salvage what we could as far as equity in the collapsing house market... we sold it and ended up loosing $300,000... not chump change by any means.. I took the brunt of that loss..

There's a lot of fighting and money taking and moving and all kinds of other shit that happened.... and then... then I got my own place.. my OWN place.... I got it last year.

I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!!!! it's mine. I do what I want, I come and go as I please. If I leave a bottle cap on the counter the world does not implode.. nor does it if my socks are on the floor.
IF the tv is turned on... it's what I feel like watching and the volume doesn't have to shake the windows... I can read a book in bed.. as late as want to and not be restricted to a time limit, and if I fall asleep while reading said book... wow...I'm not an irresponsible idiot. I can cook what ever I want as many times in a row that I want to have it.
I know how much money I have in my account and it doesn't decrease by leaps and bounds as purses and shoes miraculously appear.

Yeah.. it was a tough road. And yeah, I'm still unemployed.. But I started a business of my own as a solution.. and no one has told me that I can't do this line of work because the title isn't "impressive" enough or because the immediate 6 figure income didn't materialize.

It was tough and I'm broke, but not only am I happier than I have ever been, I'm motivated and I enjoy waking up in the morning because I look forward to another rough day of dirt and dust and grime....and when I walk in the door... no one says "when is dinner going to be ready".. followed by "why did you make that, I don't want that"..

HEHEHEHE.. why the fuck was I so scared almost two years ago?????

I know what its like

I'm not sure what I want to say.. it's almost like I'm saying someone else's news..

I got an email this morning in response to a lengthy one that I sent last night...

Delores and DH have decided to get divorced....

My heart sank. Because I know what it's like, and it's going to be a pretty similar situation to what I went through...

Some people would think that I should be excited, but I'm not... I want her to be happy, and I know that this is the only way, but I wish I could take on what is coming so that she didn't have to. It's not pleasant by any means, especially having to live under the same roof for some time.

I hope Danielle is right about her utilizing my tenacity (im still not sure what she meant by that).. but I hope that she can use it; use it to hold on.. hold on to the other side of what seems the impossible climb. Because when you get there, the view is breathtaking

Just a quick one

I'm fucking exhausted right now.. so I'm gonna be quick.

I said one a week.. and I'm trying to stick to that and I will have more later. There has been a few things that I need to get out here.. but sandman is calling.

Here is the overview

I got my kids this weekend :)

Strange coincidences surrounding D have started again

I cant tell if Linda is making a move back, or if she is trying to be friends like we were before

I'm worried about D ... not a feeling, but some things that she has said to me... several things

Yes, I am

I am one of those people you need to slam in the head with a frying pan.
I'm bull headed and will stick to my guns if the only other option is death... because then at least, I will go down fighting.

Battles are won and lost everyday; some are gargantuan such as actual combat, or a fight against cancer..... some are small.. such as the "please boss, can I go home early"..

Everyday battles are fought. Husband vs. Wife, Child vs. Parent, Man vs. Machine... in my case, Man vs. Life..

The difference between the victor and the vanquished is often a very thin line... some depends on a little luck, a little more skill, a little more training... and sometimes its who can stand the longest.

I did my best, I stuck to my guns.. I have no regrets. I did what I said I was going to do.. and little do you all know, I still am.

" for as long as you will have me"

I said those words a year and a half ago. I meant them. The romance is gone.. I know that better than any of you.. in fact, I have probably known it LONGER than any of you. None of you have ever seen our interactions... in between these posts, we have conversations. None of you can feel the intuition that I have, nor have seen the look on her face when she couldn't tell me last year that it was done... but I knew, because I could see it. I could feel it as well.

I just needed her to tell me. She did that last week.

She has not dismissed me.. not said "I never want to see you again".. not said to go away... she's tried to push some.. hinting at things that she knows I don't want to hear. Testing my resolve a little I guess.. maybe some self protection on her part. But there is something else.... we have been friends from the beginning in this. Regardless of what the initial intentions were of that first visit... I knew what was going on. Some of the first advice I had ever given to her in my life was that first day.
It was in the hallway of my house, they had been there for just a few minutes. In the couple emails we had exchanged the few days leading up to this, I had gotten the information I needed...

"Please, get yourself sorted out and get yourself happy, before you do to someone what happened to me"

That's what I said... that's what I said to her. Before the apology, before that admission that I had thought of her all this time, before the confessions, before the kiss..

I was her friend first. And I still am
And I always will be.
And I shit you not.. the girl needs a friend right now that will tell it straight. whether she listens or not is a different story. All I can do is call it like I see it.

I may have "lost" the battle for her heart. I can live with that because I fought the good fight and fought it to the end.. to the decision.

But I will not stand idly by and watch the only woman that I have ever truly loved destroy herself without sound advice.. objective advice.. based on facts. I can do that, and I have... what you all don't know is that I have done that all this time.

The battle for her heart may have ended, but I will make DAMN sure she does not lose her soul. I am standing my post at her side until I am dismissed.

Because I said I would

and just to give you some insight to WHY I was willing to fight to the end... outside of feelings and looks and all that other crap... because at heart, I am a warrior... its what I do.

I read this at my fathers funeral over 3 years ago.. when he lost his fight... I was 33

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

In yo face mutha' fucka'

Do you read your horoscope?.. I do sometimes, just to see if it happens or not. I had a discussion with D a few weeks ago about them when one of mine was pretty much spot on about big changes if I was willing to travel and use my unique insight... networking could help launch an idea into success....and such and such. That was the day I got my first "big" job in my new handyman venture... Like I said, spot on, but that could have been interpreted in several ways.

Now almost all reasonable people know that they are written in such a vague way that you generally have to read deep into it and you can find a way to apply what is said to your current life.

Well, I read mine again today and the subtlety was very hard to pick out.. I read into it and think I've figured it out...maybe. Like I said, they are written in a way to apply to just about anyone.

Take a look at it. read carefully between the lines. see if you can figure it out some and give me your opinion on what you think it's trying to tell me. It may be a little tough and, even aggravating trying to see how this could possibly apply to me.

here it is:

LIBRA: Today is a 3 Star day
You can eliminate your stress if you are willing to put an end to a fight that is a losing battle. Finalize a settlement or agree to a contract before someone revokes what`s already on the table. Cut your losses and get on with your life.

Could you find it? Did you pick it out?.. I'm still not sure if I get it or not......

I sent it to D.... all she could say was "Wow"

Step 4: Wallpaper

My desktop wallpaper image is now a steak dinner..

Since I have owned this computer, it was a picture of Delores and me that was taken by my then 4 yr old daughter ... a few days before Christmas.. the day they met.

Why a steak dinner? because I really want one right now... that would be so fucking good.. in fact, I'm getting paid tomorrow, so I think I will go out and buy a few and fire up the grill.

Here is a small sample of what it used to look like.. Delores on the left.. me on the right. How it turned out this way, I will never know.. I'm only about an inch taller than her




So... it's done.. the wallpaper to me was always the "thing".. so its done and over now and life can move on

Penance for the sins

I know Delores pretty well... I know she has written something about my confession to her. She has to have.. it's who she is

It took me about 5 hours to write down.. I had to do it. It wasn't really all that much other that I had started to see someone. I had already gotten the impression that it was all over; she was avoiding me and the few times I did get to converse with her it was mundane "weather" talk.. or about OOG... Yes, I did (and still do) talk to her about him

But it doesn't matter about that... I had lied to her...again. But this time, I wasn't going to wait a decade and a half to admit it.. I'm pretty sure she suspected anyway.. it's not like she doesn't know the signs from me or anything, but in all fairness who would blame me?.. I had permission.. I'm not attached.... she did ask that she not be the last to know if I started seeing someone. So what did I do? I didn't tell anyone.. seriously.. My neighbors knew... the girls mom knew. (i was told about that disappointment there.. she liked me) and who ever she told knew.... Oh.. "the girl" is the one I called Linda.
All that shit about Linda is true..... except one part... we were seeing each other when I helped her move.

It sucks to say all this, but I have to because Delores told me today that she is now in my shoes... that she knows what it was like to be me; holding on to someone that you know most likely won't come around to you.

What I didn't say, was that I know what it's like to be in her shoes... having feelings for two people at the same time and being torn between them..
Now, I wasn't in love with Linda.. but the potential was there. I saw it right away.. and I hesitated. I let her pass by me. Linda called it off quick..
Delores even suggested I try to get her back... and I did. Linda said I had more healing to do first; that my need for alone time was not conducive to her clinginess (Linda is a self admitted "have to be around all the time next to you" type of person... I couldn't deal with that right now.. It sucks because I genuinely liked her.. and I liked her being here...just not ALL the time. we had fun cooking and shoveling and chasing chickens (long story but my neighbors have chickens that run around) and couch lounging, etc.....

I lost her because I couldn't give her what she needed.. and I'm starting to think that I intentionally fucked it up holding out for Delores

Delores gave me up for something unseen

I lost Linda to the unseen....

Who is wearing who's shoes now?

Back to the point..... I asked Delores what, if anything, she said about my confession


FUCK!!!! its way to late to email Linda.. I need to be up in a couple hours... Shit!!!
It doesn't matter anyway..... she thinks I need more time regardless....
Life sucks... being a grown up sucks even more

Confessions of The Other Guy

In a nutshell, because I was up typing for 5 hours last night to Delores.. and we've been saying a lot to each other today

I confessed that i wasn't entirely "faithful".. and it was only very recently. But I was involved with someone for a few weeks.. she broke it off with me last week because of my inability to commit to her.. she was right about it, she didn't want to wait around and hope and then end up hurt (smart girl, huh?).

She knew all about Delores.. and I mean ALL the gory details.. I was straight up with her from the beginning including making it clear that i wasn't looking for a serious relationship right now.

But she was right.. I know I'm not ready yet, but I do miss her, we had a lot in common and got along great.. but I'm just not ready for it yet...

But I did come out of the gate pretty well this weekend.. that I can say :)

Here's how it went down

She sends me this email... I highlighted the key phrase, she didn't.. so don't think she was being all nasty like that

i'm not gonna be mad. you know, if you go see other people. i actually a) want you to be happy and b) want you to get laid!

i'm not thinking that you are my backup plan. if you think i'm just not aware of my own plans, maybe you are right. what i do know is that i'll have trouble being faithful for the rest of my life. also, i think i have decided that even if OOG and i don't work out, i won't come running back to you. even if i do, that's so far down the road that i can't even picture when that would be. therefore, i think we should both accept that it's going to be a long time before i ever change my mind, if i ever change my mind.

you're my friend first. i love you. but something about the way you love me scares the hell outta me and i don't know why. i can be friends first. or i can have a complicated relationship with you, whatever.

just make sure whoever she is, she's good-looking, smart, not an alcoholic, and appreciates you. i hope she is good enough in bed to meet you up at your level, so she can fully enjoy all you have to offer, and can please you just the same. :) and i hope she's not too demanding, and not irresponsible with money.

We have had several exchanges all day.. and strangely, I'm relieved. It's over. A decision has been reached.. I'm not sitting here all down and crying. I feel free for the first time in my life.
They always say that your first relationship after a divorce never works out. I struggled with that all this time, afraid of those words, but I guess that information is correct..

She actually encouraged me to go out and conquer when I explained how much "interest" there was in OG...and you know what?? I told her that I plan to..

We didn't shut off communication (that I know of at least).. and oddly enough, right when she sent this one to me, I received a reply to an email I sent to an old friend of mine who is a published author; I had asked if she would be willing to help out Delores with some advice.. So I hope she tells me how that goes.... who knows, next year, you may be buying a book authored by the one and only Delores... and within the next few months a few of you lucky ladies might get bedded by the notorious OG.. who knows.

Life After Heaven has officially started. I'm sorry the love story didn't pan out the way some of us hoped but lets see if another one does start sometime, WAY FAR down the road. I have a bunch of conquests to make so we will see how well I can document that.. feelings were easy to put down because that came from the heart and that can pour out pretty easily.. this will be different.. Still need a job, still want to see my kids, still have to survive... so let see.

And you never know.. it could come full circle. I still believe in Fate. I don't think that she and I will lose touch again anytime soon, but I don't know how this "friend" thing will work out. That is completely unexplored territory when it comes to us.

So lets see what Fate has in store next.

Finale.. not so grand

She said it finally.

She told me....finally.

Its done, and there's really no chance.

More later, I need to clear my head

To Feast or Fast

That is the question

I don't know what the fuck has happened this week, but women have come out of nowhere in hot pursuit. It kind of sucks. I know it sounds weird and I can't think of many guys in the world that wouldn't want this problem.. but it is a problem.

Shit, I'm a single, unattached, relatively young man. How the hell can this be a problem?? Delores told me to go ahead and see other people... she pretty much told me that her feelings for me were gone.. not completely, but it's kind of the impression that I have gotten.

Then today, I read this as a status from one of my friends

"Make no one a priority who only makes you an option."

Is that what I am??? an option?? Second or third.. or fourth best? I'm starting to feel that way... that I'm being strung along.. not being toyed with but kind of like I've been shelved as a "back-up".. I'm not so sure I believe that, but the thought is crossing my mind at times. It's a little demoralizing.

I do seriously and truly believe that we were meant for each other and that is the source for my strength at times. She once believed that too, but if she has decided that she wants to see how this "other" thing goes first.. its not really all that fair to me.. I like to think that it's really more of one of those things that she just needs to sort out

I need to fucking think this through.. this is a tough one.

Now most of you probably are saying "just go for it, she's fucked with your head long enough".. or "you have permission, so do it".. but it's not that simple. It really isn't. I said I would wait and I have... but I didn't think that A) a year and a half would go by and then B) sorry.. I really actually have feelings for someone else even though I told you I didn't.

This fucking sucks.. I know.. ABSOLUTELY KNOW for a fact... she couldn't handle it if I moved on, even temporarily. I know because she blew up on me. Just a scant few minutes after I posted ( this one last year), i got a text.. "you're right, if you move on, it's over". it was kind of ugly, but it made me know that she still had hurt feelings.

This absolutely fucking sucks... I'm not giving up yet; I will at some point because it just has to end some time. I mean seriously, I'm not even sure if I'm even an option in her mind, but I could be.. Or I could be THE choice.. I don't fucking know anymore.

Dammit.. I have had problems that would kill most men and now I have problems most men would kill for....

SHHIIIIIIT!!!!!!!! I need to think....

I'm going to go change my fucking oil......

and the sun isn't even down yet

Its amazing what an attitude adjustment can do to a day.... lets see:

I just landed a multi-week gig for my new business venture.

I then drove off with a gas pump nozzle still in my car....but laughed at it.. I have seen it done before and I am now "one of them"

I then bumped into my ex mother in law at a Lowes... why the fuck was she there??? oh well...nothing dramatic happened, but it was just the fact that it happened

Then I got a call for an interview for a job I applied to 5 MONTHS AGO... but I have an interview.

and now tonight, I am hanging out with some old friends.. some I haven't seen in a few months.. some I haven't seen in years. But the old crew is getting together tonight.

So I am at 3 good to 2 not so good.. and the not so good isn't even that big of a deal....

Shit is turning around... not because it just is (well, there is a bit of luck involved) but because I am making it turn around

+5- 4 is still the right direction

Ever run uphill in sand? and I mean a good, long, steep hill.

I have. It's very akin to a treadmill or running up the down escalator. Its an enormous amount of effort just to get ahead.

The hill I used to run was about 1/4 of a mile.. about 400 yards and it took about 45 minutes. You couldn't ease up the pace at all. as soon as you did, you started sliding backwards. you had to keep the legs going at least 3/4 of a maximum sprint just to make progress... keep the legs moving... keep them going and you would make it to the top.... slow down even a little and you would never make it.

I've been on that hill for just about 2 years now... I've kept easing up to rest for some fucked up reason.

I know how to do this. I've done it before. I know damn well if I slow down, I'll never get there. I've picked up that pace this past week. I want the top of this hill. If anything, so that I can move on to tackle the next one.

I know that I've let myself go stagnant for to long...at least I'm not at the bottom, but I'm nowhere near the top yet. I started the legs cranking....

I talked to Ex about filing a creditor claim against my bankruptcy. I legitimately owe her some money and there is an inheritance coming that I can't touch.... so I convinced her to fill out the giant claim package and get as much as she legally can... Might as well, it's money that will never touch my hands.
While she is not exactly my favorite person, getting pissy with her has accomplished nothing other than get me aggravated. She is the way she is, and I know that. So I am just going to only look at the positive things I can do instead of dwelling on the negative shit that happens (I'll still bitch about it here.. but that's what this is for hehe)

That was step 1

I've accepted that life will do what it can to push me down; it always has. Life does not fight fair.. not at all. My only defense is to fight back, and fight back harder. I've done that before too, so I know I can do it. We had a saying in football; When two guys are heading towards each other for the collision, the one going hardest will win.

that was step 2

I got off my ass and did something about it. I have the legs going again and started up this fucking hill again.. I applied to the VA for job training assistance and I also applied for energy assistance with the local human services dept (welfare) just to get the boost up and over my massive electric bill (it's quite humbling, but I NEED the help or I'll never got over that hill)

And.....I have my first request for a quote for a renovation job... and I got that because of my efforts, not from sitting here waiting for it to drop in my lap. I am going to make this new fledgling business not only fly, but I am going to make it soar... I just need to kick it out of the nest because it is ready.

I have a good friend that has been kicking me in the ass for the past 6 months to do SOMETHING..... and I have. The way that I put it was that I let myself get pushed face down into the mud and just laid there and get used as a bridge for everyone else. I'm finally standing up. I'm still in the mud... and its a little tough to see very far because I'm still getting the mud out of my eyes.. but I'm up and moving.

There will be a lot of shit flying onto here. it does make me feel better and yes, there will be shit about the Delores saga and how I feel at that moment.... But I believe in Fate and Fate has her reasons for doing what she does in order to get me to the top of the hill... and the next one

A Brokenhearted Man?

I'm obsessed with this group and their whole album. If you haven't checked out The Script, you should.

Meanwhile, I heard this song and thought of OG. I realized anyone watching his story unfold you must be pulling for him, like I am pulling for the guy who wrote this song.

So... where is she? A B C or D

And where am I?

I guess that is the real question; Where am I?.. I've been all of these places... But I know where I am.
And that's the part that sucks. Because you would think that I would have some control over my own self; by beliefs... as Danielle put it "My Rationalization"... but a soul knows what it knows

The sad part.... for over a year I have tried to find a kind of music I like. I've tried.
It all has memories for some fucked up reason.... maybe I'm just nuts and that is the real answer...or just fucking stupid

I have a feeling that the last two are the true answer..... it's not like I have the best track record or anything

A)




B)



C)



D)