How would that go?
Meeting her parents??? For one of them, it would be a first.
For another....well.... a different story.
We have actually discussed this...meeting the parents. Not in detail, but talked about it. She feels it would be best if a few years went by before I met her dad.
Not knowing what it is that they know or what she has told them....either way, it is obviously a good idea to wait if I am ever in the position to "meet" them.
I say it like that because I have met her Mom, a few times apparently. That will be the embarrassing part; I don't remember meeting her. I do remember the panic of an early return from a trip (we were literally in the middle of it) and talking to Delores' mom in the kitchen....I would never know who she was if she punched me in the face right now.
I have never met her Dad...strange... I took her to the prom. I have a vague recollection of seeing him.. but not actually meeting him. But I was a pretty fucked up kid at the time. I screwed a lot of things up; including myself, but I don't remember ever meeting him.
If they don't know my involvement right now, they'll end up figuring it out at some point. They're not stupid people. I hope they just give me a shot..... just to prove who I am, and not think of who I was. Delores has done that. I know she has. She has looked past a troubled kid and seen what he is capable of as a man.
If they do know my involvement..... I do sales, I sell myself everyday. And not as a cheesy, used carpet guy does; I sell myself on merit, reliability, responsibility, honesty....and over all.... if I say I'm gonna do it, I do it.
It will be a long, hard, uphill battle for me (if I get that far), but I didn't join the Marines to be a coward, and give up when the going got tough, either.
I would love to be given that opportunity, the chance, to meet her parents (again). I would really like the shot at proving that I'm not really such a bad guy.... and that I might actually be able to make her smile on a daily basis........
I wish I could be given that... that other "once in a lifetime" shot at a second chance.
The one where I prove my worthiness of a girl's affection... to her parents.
Not because they necessarily like me.....but because I make her happy......... and that should make them happy
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
And the songs keep coming
She walked in on Saturday. I had the music on and was getting dinner going after getting some stuff put away....she scared the shit outta me. I was in the kitchen and all I heard was a soft "Hi". I jumped out of my skin....she was standing there with her son and I laughed and told her about how stunned I was even though I was expecting her. I didn't hear a thing...not the door, not her on the stairs..not her on the hardwoods in the hall.
She was "just there" (i kinda liked the "magical appearance")
And "Bleeding Love" was on.
"Why is this song on?"
"Because that is what came on"
"Weird"
"I know"
Now I hear "Come on get Higher" everywhere I go......grocery store.....crappy local grocery store...beer store....Home Depot...Walmart....THE BAR....even at my office.....EVERYWHERE
She was "just there" (i kinda liked the "magical appearance")
And "Bleeding Love" was on.
"Why is this song on?"
"Because that is what came on"
"Weird"
"I know"
Now I hear "Come on get Higher" everywhere I go......grocery store.....crappy local grocery store...beer store....Home Depot...Walmart....THE BAR....even at my office.....EVERYWHERE
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Day 3
This is my third day of the serious quit smoking process. I have gotten myself so deep into it again that I need to dig out in stages.
stage 1: quit smoking in the car.
That's were I do it the most. I have been chowing on sunflower seeds as much as I can while driving and the impact has been pretty good. I'm down 30% and the night coughs have started..but my mouth is soo raw that it hurts to the touch
Stage 2: cut back and concentrate
Once I am not smoking in the car AT ALL for one week, I'll start working on the first and last one of the day....extending the time before the first and making sure that the last one is earlier and earlier in the day.
Stage 3: Time it right
My most successful quit was when I decided I wanted to see how long I could go without one. It was timed perfectly at the end of the night and someone bummed my last one. I decided NOT to stop and get another pack on the way home...in the morning, I decided to see how long I could go. I didn't say "quit", I said "how long can I go before I buy another".
I went nearly 3 years. with a few drunken "slips" in between.
stage 1: quit smoking in the car.
That's were I do it the most. I have been chowing on sunflower seeds as much as I can while driving and the impact has been pretty good. I'm down 30% and the night coughs have started..but my mouth is soo raw that it hurts to the touch
Stage 2: cut back and concentrate
Once I am not smoking in the car AT ALL for one week, I'll start working on the first and last one of the day....extending the time before the first and making sure that the last one is earlier and earlier in the day.
Stage 3: Time it right
My most successful quit was when I decided I wanted to see how long I could go without one. It was timed perfectly at the end of the night and someone bummed my last one. I decided NOT to stop and get another pack on the way home...in the morning, I decided to see how long I could go. I didn't say "quit", I said "how long can I go before I buy another".
I went nearly 3 years. with a few drunken "slips" in between.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Every little thing she does
Every little thing she does is magic.
The way she looks at me.
The way she smiles.
The way she makes me feel....even for days after.
I feel like I'm drifting slowly through a meadow with the sun shining down. Relaxed. On top of the world.
There are no cares other than seeing her again. I like that. Looking at her.....feeling her skin. Caressing her arm....looking in her eyes.
Running my fingers on her back
Touching her leg
Hearing her laugh
Stroking her hair
But seeing her look at me like that.................
The way she looks at me.
The way she smiles.
The way she makes me feel....even for days after.
I feel like I'm drifting slowly through a meadow with the sun shining down. Relaxed. On top of the world.
There are no cares other than seeing her again. I like that. Looking at her.....feeling her skin. Caressing her arm....looking in her eyes.
Running my fingers on her back
Touching her leg
Hearing her laugh
Stroking her hair
But seeing her look at me like that.................
Monday, May 25, 2009
One shot, One kill
A week or so ago, Delores and I were emailing, and DH had said something to her that finally pissed me off. I forget what it was, but I had had it to the point that I told her that I wish that he would try to physically confront me.
Of course, this was not something that she would want to happen. She mentioned that she felt that if that were to happen, that he may bring a weapon or two along; that he has some powerful firearms and is a pretty good shot.
I shut my mouth. I wanted to say a few things, but let it go instead.
On Saturday, she asked me several times what she doesn't know about me. I really couldn't come up with anything because I was just so excited to be looking at her and touching her.
Now....now I think I will kill the proverbial "Two birds with one stone"
Since the Marine Corps' inception on Nov 10, 1775, marksmanship has been the priority. We qualify with the M-16 at varying yardages and shooting positions:
At 500, it's 24 inches tall and 18 inches wide. Looks like the head and torso of a person.
We used only the factory "iron sights"...no scopes, no red dot lasers. Nothing but your wits and some quick math calculations based on conditions AT THE TIME OF THE SHOT.
The maximum effective range of the M-16 to a target: 550 yds
The wind and ground heat has some dramatic effects on the round as it travels those distances.
I shot expert every time...to the point that I didn't have to qualify my last year. I was asked to go to sniper school more than once. I kept turning it down because it didn't interest me. 80% of my hits were to the head...even at the 500 yd line.
I shot the "10" ring out of the the target on the pistol range. It's the size of a small coffee cup. I mean literally shot it out. There was just a hole the size of a child's fist in the center of the target.
This isn't done in a nice relaxed environment...some combat conditions are simulated.
I am well trained in CQB (close quarters battle) and unarmed combat vs. weapons (hand to hand)
I also have an uncanny ability to turn off my emotions. To separate my feelings from the situation...to feel nothing.
I am a killing machine of the first order. it's a side that I never wanted her to know about. I don't ever want her to see it. But if I am threatened, if those that I care about are threatened, I will defend myself and them. I will obey the rules of engagement that govern a "legal kill" (yes, there really are rules to combat), but I will NOT run and hide.
He pissed me off. Whether or not I have the right to be angry with him is not the point. But if he does want to come at me, I don't blame him...I really don't. But God help him if he threatens my life, because that's when bones are broken in pretty grotesque ways.
Delores, there's something I don't think you knew...and I kinda didn't want you to.
Of course, this was not something that she would want to happen. She mentioned that she felt that if that were to happen, that he may bring a weapon or two along; that he has some powerful firearms and is a pretty good shot.
I shut my mouth. I wanted to say a few things, but let it go instead.
On Saturday, she asked me several times what she doesn't know about me. I really couldn't come up with anything because I was just so excited to be looking at her and touching her.
Now....now I think I will kill the proverbial "Two birds with one stone"
Since the Marine Corps' inception on Nov 10, 1775, marksmanship has been the priority. We qualify with the M-16 at varying yardages and shooting positions:
- 200 yds; standing and sitting
- 300 yds; kneeling and sitting
- 500 yds; prone
At 500, it's 24 inches tall and 18 inches wide. Looks like the head and torso of a person.
We used only the factory "iron sights"...no scopes, no red dot lasers. Nothing but your wits and some quick math calculations based on conditions AT THE TIME OF THE SHOT.
The maximum effective range of the M-16 to a target: 550 yds
The wind and ground heat has some dramatic effects on the round as it travels those distances.
I shot expert every time...to the point that I didn't have to qualify my last year. I was asked to go to sniper school more than once. I kept turning it down because it didn't interest me. 80% of my hits were to the head...even at the 500 yd line.
I shot the "10" ring out of the the target on the pistol range. It's the size of a small coffee cup. I mean literally shot it out. There was just a hole the size of a child's fist in the center of the target.
This isn't done in a nice relaxed environment...some combat conditions are simulated.
I am well trained in CQB (close quarters battle) and unarmed combat vs. weapons (hand to hand)
I also have an uncanny ability to turn off my emotions. To separate my feelings from the situation...to feel nothing.
I am a killing machine of the first order. it's a side that I never wanted her to know about. I don't ever want her to see it. But if I am threatened, if those that I care about are threatened, I will defend myself and them. I will obey the rules of engagement that govern a "legal kill" (yes, there really are rules to combat), but I will NOT run and hide.
He pissed me off. Whether or not I have the right to be angry with him is not the point. But if he does want to come at me, I don't blame him...I really don't. But God help him if he threatens my life, because that's when bones are broken in pretty grotesque ways.
Delores, there's something I don't think you knew...and I kinda didn't want you to.
My Girl
She came over Saturday for a visit...man that was great. There was no real rush to anything. Her son was with her and he had just gotten up from a nap.
Delores had emailed that she was on the way, and since it was dinner time, I asked if she was hungry. I got to make her dinner again :) I like doing it. We had some wine and seared chicken and pasta with sun dried tomato pesto. It was pretty good. Sat on the couch chatting...staring, while her boy runs around.
His bedtime came...so the idea was to switch houses. She headed home...I took care of my dog and jumped in the car and headed to her......
Now the soreness is setting in and I LOVE IT. She once said to me that she liked getting banged up with me. I like it to/ It really does feel like I had played a football game.
I can't wait for things to be a little more "carefree"...like me sleeping on the couch and helping to nurse a horrendous headache
Delores had emailed that she was on the way, and since it was dinner time, I asked if she was hungry. I got to make her dinner again :) I like doing it. We had some wine and seared chicken and pasta with sun dried tomato pesto. It was pretty good. Sat on the couch chatting...staring, while her boy runs around.
His bedtime came...so the idea was to switch houses. She headed home...I took care of my dog and jumped in the car and headed to her......
Now the soreness is setting in and I LOVE IT. She once said to me that she liked getting banged up with me. I like it to/ It really does feel like I had played a football game.
I can't wait for things to be a little more "carefree"...like me sleeping on the couch and helping to nurse a horrendous headache
Saturday, May 23, 2009
year ago today
A year ago...exactly one year ago, I was told "I don't know".
Guess what....I don't care.
Even with all the shit I'm going through now...life is a hell of a lot better than it was 366 days ago
Guess what....I don't care.
Even with all the shit I'm going through now...life is a hell of a lot better than it was 366 days ago
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Saturday is coming
Saturday is coming...I wonder if I'll even think about it. I probably will because I'm thinking about it now. I wonder how I'll take it...I think it'll all be fine. Life is much different now than it was last year. In all actuality, life is much better in general
I really hope Delores is available this weekend
I really hope Delores is available this weekend
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Champagne and capers
I cleared out the rest of the perishables from the fridge at the house. The rest will be tossed on Monday for trash pick up. I left the apple for now. It's getting soft and I still don't have the heart to throw it away until it needs to be. It's six months old. It should have been toast LONG ago... but I have a funny feeling that it will go bad when the house is sold. Then it will be time for a new beginning. A new one in this new place. Hopefully a place I can begin with Delores and grow from here. A place that starts with "us", not an ex and some old and bad memories. A place that will have happy memories of happy visits.
It was mostly condiments and non critical items that I cleared out today from the fridge including 4 bottles of champagne. One was open and had a champagne stopper on it. There is also a large jar of capers that holds a little inside joke.
I had used them to make scallops for Delores one afternoon. She decided to work from home, and then work from my house. So I made some lunch, but she wasn't to hungry. That was the first thing I had ever cooked for her....ever. She had some of it, and I'm glad she liked it. It was seared scallops in a champagne caper sauce and I had only used a little of the champagne. So tonight, I used it to make some veggies to go with my steak dinner.
There are a lot of memories in that house; My old life, two lives reconnect, some heartbreak from both, some good from both. But here...here is a fresh start...kinda...she was here before I even lived here which is a nice feeling.
Now, now I have memories in the fridge at this new place. How weird is that?
I also have in that fridge a few other bottles of champagne...and a rack of lamb. I hope I get to make her a nice dinner before it gets freezer burned.
It was mostly condiments and non critical items that I cleared out today from the fridge including 4 bottles of champagne. One was open and had a champagne stopper on it. There is also a large jar of capers that holds a little inside joke.
I had used them to make scallops for Delores one afternoon. She decided to work from home, and then work from my house. So I made some lunch, but she wasn't to hungry. That was the first thing I had ever cooked for her....ever. She had some of it, and I'm glad she liked it. It was seared scallops in a champagne caper sauce and I had only used a little of the champagne. So tonight, I used it to make some veggies to go with my steak dinner.
There are a lot of memories in that house; My old life, two lives reconnect, some heartbreak from both, some good from both. But here...here is a fresh start...kinda...she was here before I even lived here which is a nice feeling.
Now, now I have memories in the fridge at this new place. How weird is that?
I also have in that fridge a few other bottles of champagne...and a rack of lamb. I hope I get to make her a nice dinner before it gets freezer burned.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Floatin
She called me this morning.
I couldn't take the call, but just the fact that she did..AND left a message....that made fore one of the best days I have had in a while.
One of the best
I couldn't take the call, but just the fact that she did..AND left a message....that made fore one of the best days I have had in a while.
One of the best
Monday, May 18, 2009
Existing
I miss her....tremendously. Almost to a distraction. It's not uncommon for me to just look at the computer and wait. I do pry myself away and get my stuff done, but I check as regularly as I can.
Work is a saving grace. I stay off my air card as much as possible because I ALWAYS check my email if I turn it on.
It's been two weeks since I've laid eyes on her (and got to sneak a quick kiss) and I can't help but think of the pain that she was in with the headaches. But she was jobless then, at least now she is employed. She has told me some things I already knew.
I bet she looks even more fantastic now, headache or not, because those kinds of things can weigh on your soul and your spirit.
I'm just existing and trudging through the work day. Thinking about Delores. Thinking of all the possible futures. For some reason, I drive past a lot of large ponds and lakes lately and I wonder if she would like that kind of place.
I think about what it would be like to call her when I felt like it.
To meet for lunch...I wanted so bad to blow off work today and go visit her, but I knew that DH had a good possibility of being in the area. I emailed and told her this today.....
I think about what it would be like to have her come over, or me go to her, and there be no worrying, or escape plan or quickly just walking in the door hoping no one saw.
I think about her laying next to me and not having to say "I need to go"...I think that's the one I think about the most
Work is a saving grace. I stay off my air card as much as possible because I ALWAYS check my email if I turn it on.
It's been two weeks since I've laid eyes on her (and got to sneak a quick kiss) and I can't help but think of the pain that she was in with the headaches. But she was jobless then, at least now she is employed. She has told me some things I already knew.
I bet she looks even more fantastic now, headache or not, because those kinds of things can weigh on your soul and your spirit.
I'm just existing and trudging through the work day. Thinking about Delores. Thinking of all the possible futures. For some reason, I drive past a lot of large ponds and lakes lately and I wonder if she would like that kind of place.
I think about what it would be like to call her when I felt like it.
To meet for lunch...I wanted so bad to blow off work today and go visit her, but I knew that DH had a good possibility of being in the area. I emailed and told her this today.....
I think about what it would be like to have her come over, or me go to her, and there be no worrying, or escape plan or quickly just walking in the door hoping no one saw.
I think about her laying next to me and not having to say "I need to go"...I think that's the one I think about the most
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Someday
I'll pick up the phone and hit Delores' name.
"Hey, what are you up to this weekend?"
"Don't know yet"
"Ex had a work thing come up, so I'm getting the kids again this weekend. What do you think about going to the big park down the street, packing a lunch and getting them outside all day? Then we could all go back to my place and I'll make dinner."
"Sounds like fun, sure"
"Pack a bag, just in case. We may want to turn it into a sleep over if the kids are worn out enough"
"we'll see **giggle**"
It could happen..............
"Hey, what are you up to this weekend?"
"Don't know yet"
"Ex had a work thing come up, so I'm getting the kids again this weekend. What do you think about going to the big park down the street, packing a lunch and getting them outside all day? Then we could all go back to my place and I'll make dinner."
"Sounds like fun, sure"
"Pack a bag, just in case. We may want to turn it into a sleep over if the kids are worn out enough"
"we'll see **giggle**"
It could happen..............
Fucking Gmail
Gmail has been down all day. Went down this morning, pretty much in the middle of an exchange I was having with Delores. I have no clue if she had more time to "talk", or if we had gotten interrupted, or what...but I do know that it stopped sending messages around 9:30 this morning.
How do I know? I was setting up the new email with my new ISP because my old one was turned off last night at midnight. None of my test messages from Gmail were sent.
This sucks.
How do I know? I was setting up the new email with my new ISP because my old one was turned off last night at midnight. None of my test messages from Gmail were sent.
This sucks.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
It still bothers me
I had a conversation with Delores the morning after she had stayed the night. It bothered me a lot that I heard what she said and I bit my tongue as best as I could.
She asked if she could go up stairs to get something for a few minutes. I looked at her kinda funny and said "or course, why are you asking?"
It was a big house and all our kids were running around, but I could tell by the look on her face that I wasn't going to like what I was about to hear.
"Because I'm just used to having to ask"
TO FUCKING GO UPSTAIRS FOR A FEW MINUTES?????
I didn't say that. I walked over and hugged her and told her to go upstairs, take your time, take a shower.
She looked around at the kids playing and running around; an under one, an under two, and an under 5. She looked me in the eyes and seriously asked if it was OK....
OF COURSE IT WAS OK. She was going to be ten feet above me, in the same house. If there was a drastic emergency with her son, I could have her attention in a few seconds. They're kids, they'll be fine. I'm a dad, I can handle kids.
Go. Go take a shower. Go take a nap. Go to the store if you need to. I got this.
She didn't take her time.
My daughter and her son were playing the piano having a good ol' time when she came back down.
That look on her face still bothers me
She asked if she could go up stairs to get something for a few minutes. I looked at her kinda funny and said "or course, why are you asking?"
It was a big house and all our kids were running around, but I could tell by the look on her face that I wasn't going to like what I was about to hear.
"Because I'm just used to having to ask"
TO FUCKING GO UPSTAIRS FOR A FEW MINUTES?????
I didn't say that. I walked over and hugged her and told her to go upstairs, take your time, take a shower.
She looked around at the kids playing and running around; an under one, an under two, and an under 5. She looked me in the eyes and seriously asked if it was OK....
OF COURSE IT WAS OK. She was going to be ten feet above me, in the same house. If there was a drastic emergency with her son, I could have her attention in a few seconds. They're kids, they'll be fine. I'm a dad, I can handle kids.
Go. Go take a shower. Go take a nap. Go to the store if you need to. I got this.
She didn't take her time.
My daughter and her son were playing the piano having a good ol' time when she came back down.
That look on her face still bothers me
Sunday, May 10, 2009
a 5 hour nap and I still hurt
I had hoped that a little extra rest would have helped alleviate all the stress from this week. I woke up 5 hours later...around 10:00 p.m. I have now just screwed up my entire sleep pattern, as if it wasn't already.
I hurt for some reason, my heart hurts. Similar to the "feeling" I would get when Delores would call things off...the feeling that I would have when we would try to cut off communication....similar to when she would tell me how much she wants to be with me, but can't....
I think it is just the missing. My feelings grow stronger everyday. Everyday I wish a little more, I hope a little more. But she hasn't decided. But I still hope.
I have had the privilege of having a pretty fucked up life where nothing really goes right. It looks like it might go right and I do something, or something happens to fuck it all up....35 years this has been going on. Then I keep plugging on. Why the fuck do I keep doing it?
I should have quite life years ago
I made a promise...more than just to wait. On Thanksgiving, I made a promise to her about our potential life...I intend to keep that one as well. One of the bad parts is that she is NOW right about something. It had come up in conversation one night that I was probably receiving a lot of female attention.
I wasn't. I didn't understand it at the time but now it makes sense.
I have started to get hit on a lot. It is MUCH, MUCH different than my younger life. I have had women approach me from 22 to 50. and all ages in between. I am much more surprised by the younger ones than I am by the ones around my age or older.....Seriously??? 22...24...WTF? where where you when I WAS 24? shit.. you were in elementary school.. Are they attractive? Most are. There is no hope there. I'm not stupid. So of course in the course of conversation.....I'm divorced, 2 kids...they go running. It's kinda fun. The Cougars... I just tell them I need to recover some still.
I really have no desire to find someone else. I know where she is. I know where my heart is. She has it and she always will. That will never change, no matter what. She has had it pretty much all of my adult life. Maybe that's why I feel so good when she is around.
But, all I know is that Delores is the one for me. That is who I will wait for. Until she tells me not to. And even then....my heart will stay with her, just like it always has. Because that is where it belongs
I hurt for some reason, my heart hurts. Similar to the "feeling" I would get when Delores would call things off...the feeling that I would have when we would try to cut off communication....similar to when she would tell me how much she wants to be with me, but can't....
I think it is just the missing. My feelings grow stronger everyday. Everyday I wish a little more, I hope a little more. But she hasn't decided. But I still hope.
I have had the privilege of having a pretty fucked up life where nothing really goes right. It looks like it might go right and I do something, or something happens to fuck it all up....35 years this has been going on. Then I keep plugging on. Why the fuck do I keep doing it?
I should have quite life years ago
I made a promise...more than just to wait. On Thanksgiving, I made a promise to her about our potential life...I intend to keep that one as well. One of the bad parts is that she is NOW right about something. It had come up in conversation one night that I was probably receiving a lot of female attention.
I wasn't. I didn't understand it at the time but now it makes sense.
I have started to get hit on a lot. It is MUCH, MUCH different than my younger life. I have had women approach me from 22 to 50. and all ages in between. I am much more surprised by the younger ones than I am by the ones around my age or older.....Seriously??? 22...24...WTF? where where you when I WAS 24? shit.. you were in elementary school.. Are they attractive? Most are. There is no hope there. I'm not stupid. So of course in the course of conversation.....I'm divorced, 2 kids...they go running. It's kinda fun. The Cougars... I just tell them I need to recover some still.
I really have no desire to find someone else. I know where she is. I know where my heart is. She has it and she always will. That will never change, no matter what. She has had it pretty much all of my adult life. Maybe that's why I feel so good when she is around.
But, all I know is that Delores is the one for me. That is who I will wait for. Until she tells me not to. And even then....my heart will stay with her, just like it always has. Because that is where it belongs
Saturday, May 9, 2009
My one and only constant
I think about her constantly. We had a long email exchange the other night. It was really in the early morning and she sent me a message when I needed to hear from her most. I had sat here for hours, just looking at the computer, waiting, hoping for a response. And I got one at 11:52 p.m. An enormous weight came off of me as soon as I saw that (1). I was scared that I wasn't going to hear from her again.
She kind of asked, in an indirect way, that I back off some. I didn't take it personal. She is going through hell right now with the job search, the headaches, the living situation, the economy, her own thoughts and confusion. So I will say this here instead.
She kind of asked, in an indirect way, that I back off some. I didn't take it personal. She is going through hell right now with the job search, the headaches, the living situation, the economy, her own thoughts and confusion. So I will say this here instead.
I love you more than I can ever express, more than I can show, or demonstrate. My thoughts turn constantly your way. I can feel when you hurt..it hurts me. It hurts to be away.
Whenever you are are present, life is good; it's fantastic. Problems go away. Just being close to you, and feeling you, pushes everything bad away. Just holding you in the kitchen almost two weeks ago made over a month of bad just go away. I cannot imagine life without you again.
I often wonder what it would be like to have a life with you. I like to lay in bed and imagine being able to call and ask what you want for dinner on friday night. Or hey..lets take the kids to such and such park this weekend, or, pack for a weekend away, i have a surprise.
I wonder if you would like that. I'm sure you would, but I don't always know.
I get so excited at the thought of seeing you; looking in your eyes; smelling your hair; feeling your skin; feeling your soul touch mine. I know you share these feelings and that makes it all the harder. To feel like this and be apart. I hurt so bad at the mere thought of losing you again.
I wish it could be easy, I really wish it could be easy. But you have known me long enough, that the only things that come easy to me are trouble and problems.
I love you more than I think you know. I can only try to make you feel it when I see you. I wonder sometimes if you can feel me sending it to you.
The Simple Life
I miss active duty more and more these days. It was so easy.
Wake up when you were told.
Put on camouflage clothes and black leather boots with black socks.
Haircut every Sunday
Get done what you were told
Don't get killed.
You knew you could trust the guy behind you. He wasn't going to let you die any more than you would allow him to. There was never a doubt.
You knew that shit would get done. You tell a subordinate to do something, it happened.
Bills were almost nonexistent unless you owned a car.
You knew exactly how much money you were going to get and had a pretty good idea what night you were going to drink it away. You were paid to work out and eat for free.
The sacrifice? Moving all over the world not making much money, and not sure where or if you were going to wake up.
I talked with my brother today about some of this. He suggested joining the Army. I have thought about it for quite a while now. I wouldn't have to go to boot camp, the signing bonuses are getting pretty big as well as the college funds. I could pick something logical to give me a boost in the civilian world, unlike when I was a kid and needed to just get my head screwed on straight.
But I would be away from the kids...and I would sit around and ponder about Delores....and all the coulda, woulda, shoulda's all over again. Only worse now. I would be away without a chance to get that off chance visit. I would wonder if she was wanting to email me, or text, or call, or stop by. That would kill me all over again. Back then, back in the old days, I thought that she hated me, so it was easy to just look at that black and white picture that she gave me. I could think about how fucking stupid I was to screw it all up. I could try be someone that she may be proud to have known should a heroic end happen.
Not anymore...that simple life is no longer simple. Delores would be there bigger than ever. And I would think about my kids, and Delores and if they were ok. I know they would worry.
Nope....no more simple life out there to run to.
Wake up when you were told.
Put on camouflage clothes and black leather boots with black socks.
Haircut every Sunday
Get done what you were told
Don't get killed.
You knew you could trust the guy behind you. He wasn't going to let you die any more than you would allow him to. There was never a doubt.
You knew that shit would get done. You tell a subordinate to do something, it happened.
Bills were almost nonexistent unless you owned a car.
You knew exactly how much money you were going to get and had a pretty good idea what night you were going to drink it away. You were paid to work out and eat for free.
The sacrifice? Moving all over the world not making much money, and not sure where or if you were going to wake up.
I talked with my brother today about some of this. He suggested joining the Army. I have thought about it for quite a while now. I wouldn't have to go to boot camp, the signing bonuses are getting pretty big as well as the college funds. I could pick something logical to give me a boost in the civilian world, unlike when I was a kid and needed to just get my head screwed on straight.
But I would be away from the kids...and I would sit around and ponder about Delores....and all the coulda, woulda, shoulda's all over again. Only worse now. I would be away without a chance to get that off chance visit. I would wonder if she was wanting to email me, or text, or call, or stop by. That would kill me all over again. Back then, back in the old days, I thought that she hated me, so it was easy to just look at that black and white picture that she gave me. I could think about how fucking stupid I was to screw it all up. I could try be someone that she may be proud to have known should a heroic end happen.
Not anymore...that simple life is no longer simple. Delores would be there bigger than ever. And I would think about my kids, and Delores and if they were ok. I know they would worry.
Nope....no more simple life out there to run to.
The week
I've had a pretty fucked up week.
I crushed my sales numbers on the first day and the boss gave me a bunch of shit. I had finally had it. I blew up on him, in an email and copied the VP. It was about how he never answers a fucking question and tells me to ask someone else or questions my intelligence, how he only schedules special "projects" on the weekends I have the kids, how he made us come in the office for absolutely no reason on the weekend I was moving, how he tells me constantly that I am not doing well enough even though I have more than doubled my annual numbers and I am usually at what he wants for the month in the first week.
He was smart and responded verbally; he doesn't like me.
Had a big thing with Delores that almost killed me.
And Friday, the wheel almost came off my truck. I was making a turn and heard a horrible sound like tearing metal. I drive to the shop and they take a look at it and write up the estimate; over a grand. I don't have it. The bank that Ex and I used to have joint accounts at cancelled my final two credit cards that day. Plus the car rental place wasn't open, it was 7 :00 on a Friday and if they even attempted to start the work, it was something that could not be put back together. The bearing was completely shot and was of such a design that they weren't sure they could put it on without a machine shop, which was closed until Monday.
I was 20 miles from home. I told them to put it back together and I would take it as is because that was my only choice. The manager came out and told me that he really did not feel comfortable letting me take it out, that the wheel was about to come off.
They made me sign a waiver that I fully understood the implications of not getting the repairs done before driving, but what choice did I have? 20 miles from home, no one around that would drive me around all weekend, rental place closed, no credit cards or way to pay for repairs.
I took it as is and called some friends for help in the a.m....today.
I get the truck dropped off and get to the rental place and luckily DID get the last available car.
Drove 55 miles to where the old bank is. My direct deposit had not been stopped completely and i found out that I had $1200 there....sweeeet, I can pay for the repairs....NOPE. They will not allow me to close the account or withdraw any funds until I make all the payments on some past do loans that really do ultimately belong to the Ex....I just got fucked again..
I had no choice but to swallow my pride and call my brother.
He bailed me out....again....and now I owe more money that I can't afford to repay.
Definitely a fucked up week
I crushed my sales numbers on the first day and the boss gave me a bunch of shit. I had finally had it. I blew up on him, in an email and copied the VP. It was about how he never answers a fucking question and tells me to ask someone else or questions my intelligence, how he only schedules special "projects" on the weekends I have the kids, how he made us come in the office for absolutely no reason on the weekend I was moving, how he tells me constantly that I am not doing well enough even though I have more than doubled my annual numbers and I am usually at what he wants for the month in the first week.
He was smart and responded verbally; he doesn't like me.
Had a big thing with Delores that almost killed me.
And Friday, the wheel almost came off my truck. I was making a turn and heard a horrible sound like tearing metal. I drive to the shop and they take a look at it and write up the estimate; over a grand. I don't have it. The bank that Ex and I used to have joint accounts at cancelled my final two credit cards that day. Plus the car rental place wasn't open, it was 7 :00 on a Friday and if they even attempted to start the work, it was something that could not be put back together. The bearing was completely shot and was of such a design that they weren't sure they could put it on without a machine shop, which was closed until Monday.
I was 20 miles from home. I told them to put it back together and I would take it as is because that was my only choice. The manager came out and told me that he really did not feel comfortable letting me take it out, that the wheel was about to come off.
They made me sign a waiver that I fully understood the implications of not getting the repairs done before driving, but what choice did I have? 20 miles from home, no one around that would drive me around all weekend, rental place closed, no credit cards or way to pay for repairs.
I took it as is and called some friends for help in the a.m....today.
I get the truck dropped off and get to the rental place and luckily DID get the last available car.
Drove 55 miles to where the old bank is. My direct deposit had not been stopped completely and i found out that I had $1200 there....sweeeet, I can pay for the repairs....NOPE. They will not allow me to close the account or withdraw any funds until I make all the payments on some past do loans that really do ultimately belong to the Ex....I just got fucked again..
I had no choice but to swallow my pride and call my brother.
He bailed me out....again....and now I owe more money that I can't afford to repay.
Definitely a fucked up week
Thursday, May 7, 2009
What I did and why I don't deserve her affection
Delores has every right to hate me. She has had that right for 17 years, and she has that right for the rest of her life. I was horrible to her when we dated. And I did probably the worst possible thing that someone could do.
This is nothing she doesn't know. I've confessed it all to her. She has said "forgive", but I don't fully believe that she does. I have never and will never ask for forgiveness because I don't believe I deserve it.
That first day, one of the first things I said was " I owe you an apology". I did.
I used to try to cheat on her regularly. I would make arrangements behind her back. Things always were interrupted in some form or fashion including an incident that She walked in on. I never cheated sexually because it just always got foiled, but I screwed around behind her back.
The worst one has haunted me to this day and caused a lot of issues. And there are two parts to it. The part I remember, and the part I didn't.
I screwed around with her BFF (the one that hates me so much) on her prom night while she was passed out. It was, in fact, with with her BFF and some other girl. In an alley. Her BFF's date caught us and said that he should punch me. I agreed. I deserved it
And he did. I stood there and took it. Broke the shit outa my nose. He literally moved it about an inch to the right side of my face. I was drunk as shit and it HURT. I had to set it and that's when the blood poured out all over the ground.
That is the part I remember.
What I didn't remember, I was told By Delores on Dec 27, 2008. She went out to eat with this same BFF. That's when she confessed to her the affair in full detail. Thats also when Delores was told what happened that prom night nearly 2 decades ago.
She then came over to my house and told me that the "incident" had come up. I asked if the stories matched what I had told her. She said "Kind of".
Apparently, her BFF and I resumed things, with another random girl....on the bed...next to Delores...while she was passed out. Again, there was no sex, but I have no recollection of this.
My heart dropped to hear that come out of her mouth, I wish I had known. I wish I could have been the one to tell her. To see the tears in her eyes, to know that long buried pain came back to her, to know that I had just broken her heart again; it broke mine.
She has every right to hate me. She has every right to play games with my heart and my head. I don't believe that she has, but now you can kind of understand my surprise that she would even be FB friends with me.
I have never, and probably will never forgive myself for being such a drunken heartless bastard. I spent years correcting those behaviors and those traits and have been successful at it. That night was one of the main driving forces that put me in the Marine Corps.
They beat some sense into me pretty well. Maybe someday, I can stop beating myself about something that I can no longer do anything about
But that doesn't mean that I deserve her affection, much less a passing thought in her head
This is nothing she doesn't know. I've confessed it all to her. She has said "forgive", but I don't fully believe that she does. I have never and will never ask for forgiveness because I don't believe I deserve it.
That first day, one of the first things I said was " I owe you an apology". I did.
I used to try to cheat on her regularly. I would make arrangements behind her back. Things always were interrupted in some form or fashion including an incident that She walked in on. I never cheated sexually because it just always got foiled, but I screwed around behind her back.
The worst one has haunted me to this day and caused a lot of issues. And there are two parts to it. The part I remember, and the part I didn't.
I screwed around with her BFF (the one that hates me so much) on her prom night while she was passed out. It was, in fact, with with her BFF and some other girl. In an alley. Her BFF's date caught us and said that he should punch me. I agreed. I deserved it
And he did. I stood there and took it. Broke the shit outa my nose. He literally moved it about an inch to the right side of my face. I was drunk as shit and it HURT. I had to set it and that's when the blood poured out all over the ground.
That is the part I remember.
What I didn't remember, I was told By Delores on Dec 27, 2008. She went out to eat with this same BFF. That's when she confessed to her the affair in full detail. Thats also when Delores was told what happened that prom night nearly 2 decades ago.
She then came over to my house and told me that the "incident" had come up. I asked if the stories matched what I had told her. She said "Kind of".
Apparently, her BFF and I resumed things, with another random girl....on the bed...next to Delores...while she was passed out. Again, there was no sex, but I have no recollection of this.
My heart dropped to hear that come out of her mouth, I wish I had known. I wish I could have been the one to tell her. To see the tears in her eyes, to know that long buried pain came back to her, to know that I had just broken her heart again; it broke mine.
She has every right to hate me. She has every right to play games with my heart and my head. I don't believe that she has, but now you can kind of understand my surprise that she would even be FB friends with me.
I have never, and probably will never forgive myself for being such a drunken heartless bastard. I spent years correcting those behaviors and those traits and have been successful at it. That night was one of the main driving forces that put me in the Marine Corps.
They beat some sense into me pretty well. Maybe someday, I can stop beating myself about something that I can no longer do anything about
But that doesn't mean that I deserve her affection, much less a passing thought in her head
Shattered
OAR says it best..
Something is happening. Something is going on. I can feel it. I haven't survived this long with it being wrong.
I tried to ask Delores if there was anything I should know. I chickened out and decided that I didn't.
I don't know if I am ready yet. Ready to hear that it really is over. If it is, i need to know. I've been begging for a sign, an obvious one; that tells me "yes" or "no". Stay or leave. I've got nothing. All the signs are gone now.
i just want her to tell me the truth. I understand her brain going back and forth. I really do.
But something else is going on..I can tell. I wish she would tell me if she has decided. If she realized that it wasn't love, but lust, or loneliness, that she had felt for me. That the thrill is gone now that DH knows.
That she really doesn't want to leave at all and just told me what I wanted to hear.
Just the truth, I've been straight with her.
It could be something else entirely that I'm feeling. I kind of hope it is. But something is going on, Something big. and the more that I think about it, the more that I think that I really just ended up fucking her life up so irreparably, that she will end up hating me. She had things going in a way that she was used to, and I stepped in and turned it all over.
I'm starting to not be able to sleep again. I'm starting to doubt myself.
I really think a lot about how much better off she would be if I had stayed gone and not disrupted her life. I keep thinking that she wants to repair things, but doesn't have the heart to tell me. I keep thinking that she does know what she wants.
And then I waver back the other way. If its just trying to sort the info, I understand that. If she has made a solid choice....I need to know. If not...I can hang....but I think I may need a vacation
How many times can I break till I shatter
Over the line can't define what I'm after....
I'll always turn the car around
Something is happening. Something is going on. I can feel it. I haven't survived this long with it being wrong.
I tried to ask Delores if there was anything I should know. I chickened out and decided that I didn't.
I don't know if I am ready yet. Ready to hear that it really is over. If it is, i need to know. I've been begging for a sign, an obvious one; that tells me "yes" or "no". Stay or leave. I've got nothing. All the signs are gone now.
i just want her to tell me the truth. I understand her brain going back and forth. I really do.
But something else is going on..I can tell. I wish she would tell me if she has decided. If she realized that it wasn't love, but lust, or loneliness, that she had felt for me. That the thrill is gone now that DH knows.
That she really doesn't want to leave at all and just told me what I wanted to hear.
Just the truth, I've been straight with her.
It could be something else entirely that I'm feeling. I kind of hope it is. But something is going on, Something big. and the more that I think about it, the more that I think that I really just ended up fucking her life up so irreparably, that she will end up hating me. She had things going in a way that she was used to, and I stepped in and turned it all over.
I'm starting to not be able to sleep again. I'm starting to doubt myself.
I really think a lot about how much better off she would be if I had stayed gone and not disrupted her life. I keep thinking that she wants to repair things, but doesn't have the heart to tell me. I keep thinking that she does know what she wants.
And then I waver back the other way. If its just trying to sort the info, I understand that. If she has made a solid choice....I need to know. If not...I can hang....but I think I may need a vacation
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I fucked up more than I thought
I'm starting to think that I really screwed up Delores. A whole lot more than I thought.
I just found out that her other, other guy was still around in some capacity when I came into the picture and that she abruptly cut things off with him. He is now deploying (even though he has a pretty safe job) and it stirred up something in Delores. I know this because she told me.
I really fucked her up and I didn't even know it.
I think she might be better off if I just go away, because she sure as hell would have been a lot better off if I had never resurfaced
I just found out that her other, other guy was still around in some capacity when I came into the picture and that she abruptly cut things off with him. He is now deploying (even though he has a pretty safe job) and it stirred up something in Delores. I know this because she told me.
I really fucked her up and I didn't even know it.
I think she might be better off if I just go away, because she sure as hell would have been a lot better off if I had never resurfaced
Monday, May 4, 2009
Is it just an apple?
I stopped by the house to grab some more stuff and disassemble a few more things; I've been doing that for weeks, getting some of the smaller shit out of the house. It was trash night in the old 'hood so I decided to toss everything from the fridge and freezer that I either didn't want, was old (considering I haven't lived there for six weeks, everything was that I didn't take already) or didn't care about. There are still a few things I need to grab, but need to use a cooler and ice packs. Thanks to work, I'm freezing some ice packs there now and have a cooler in the basement that I forgot about.
As I was tossing stuff in the trash, I came across an apple. It was on the top shelf. I looked at it. I remember putting it there. It's still good too. That's the weird part. I put it there Nov 9, 2008. It's an apple that Delores brought over that first day. The first day she came over. The first time I had seen her in a decade.
It's still in the fridge, I'm afraid to move it. It's still good, so I won't toss it, but I'm afraid to move it for some reason.
I know it's just an apple.....but it's not. It's a good apple...that has stayed good for 6 months. I work in food and have NEVER seen that. It's Delores' apple (really her son's) and I need to get it here somehow.
I wish this was some crazy made up metaphor, but it really is there and it really is hers, and it really is that old, and it really is still good.
Is it really just an apple?
As I was tossing stuff in the trash, I came across an apple. It was on the top shelf. I looked at it. I remember putting it there. It's still good too. That's the weird part. I put it there Nov 9, 2008. It's an apple that Delores brought over that first day. The first day she came over. The first time I had seen her in a decade.
It's still in the fridge, I'm afraid to move it. It's still good, so I won't toss it, but I'm afraid to move it for some reason.
I know it's just an apple.....but it's not. It's a good apple...that has stayed good for 6 months. I work in food and have NEVER seen that. It's Delores' apple (really her son's) and I need to get it here somehow.
I wish this was some crazy made up metaphor, but it really is there and it really is hers, and it really is that old, and it really is still good.
Is it really just an apple?
Sunday, May 3, 2009
I Just realized
It's been two months...Just about two months since the shit hit the fan. In fact, on Tuesday it WILL be two months...eight weeks. I hope that was the feeling. I really do.
But it's not. Delores and I have been through some whirlwind shit this past six months. It really is hard to describe. Even if you have been followingthis from the beginning, it can't be explained. Even the people in our lives that have known us these almost 20 years can't understand it. At times, I don't understand it. I'm sure she doesn't either at times.
I've been through some rough spots in my life. This is very easily in the top three. It can never take number one...but lets just say that a prolonged deployment in the mid east is number 5.
Number one will always be the doubt around my son....those three weeks. Nothing will ever compare to that kind of anguish...but this is getting close. No matter what...there is always a lingering doubt as to what will happen. That is, until it happens. I have my hopes. I know better than to let go of that and automaticaly lose.
But until she is with me, until there is no more "secret", until I can hold her hand in public, or meet her for lunch because we feel like it, or call her to ask a question...until then, there will always be some kind of doubt.
Especially since I always lose
But it's not. Delores and I have been through some whirlwind shit this past six months. It really is hard to describe. Even if you have been followingthis from the beginning, it can't be explained. Even the people in our lives that have known us these almost 20 years can't understand it. At times, I don't understand it. I'm sure she doesn't either at times.
I've been through some rough spots in my life. This is very easily in the top three. It can never take number one...but lets just say that a prolonged deployment in the mid east is number 5.
Number one will always be the doubt around my son....those three weeks. Nothing will ever compare to that kind of anguish...but this is getting close. No matter what...there is always a lingering doubt as to what will happen. That is, until it happens. I have my hopes. I know better than to let go of that and automaticaly lose.
But until she is with me, until there is no more "secret", until I can hold her hand in public, or meet her for lunch because we feel like it, or call her to ask a question...until then, there will always be some kind of doubt.
Especially since I always lose
Somethin's gonna happen
I don't know what, but something isn't sitting right. I can't put my finger on it.
Earlier this afternoon, my heart dropped into my gut. I don't know why.
Ex called shortly afterward saying that she was having trouble with my daughters bed....you see, I had noticed when I went over for the birthday last week, that it hadn't been reassembled correctly, not even close as a matter of fact. The bolts that support the rails, which support the mattress, which support the bodies on it, were not even present. The whole thing was held together with 8 VERY small screws.
I tried to talk her through it, but she wasn't understanding what I was saying, so I drove the kids to her house for drop off today and put the bed together.
So that isn't it.
Spiderman would say that "his Spidey sense is tingling".
I sure as shit want to know, so I guess I better put up my guard at every turn this week. Somethings going down and I have no clue what it could be, but I do know that this week will go much slower and be much, much more difficult than last week...just a feeling
Earlier this afternoon, my heart dropped into my gut. I don't know why.
Ex called shortly afterward saying that she was having trouble with my daughters bed....you see, I had noticed when I went over for the birthday last week, that it hadn't been reassembled correctly, not even close as a matter of fact. The bolts that support the rails, which support the mattress, which support the bodies on it, were not even present. The whole thing was held together with 8 VERY small screws.
I tried to talk her through it, but she wasn't understanding what I was saying, so I drove the kids to her house for drop off today and put the bed together.
So that isn't it.
Spiderman would say that "his Spidey sense is tingling".
I sure as shit want to know, so I guess I better put up my guard at every turn this week. Somethings going down and I have no clue what it could be, but I do know that this week will go much slower and be much, much more difficult than last week...just a feeling
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Video chat
I like it.
Delores and I had a video chat tonight. It was a first for me. She was also my first web cam chat, and IM, and a few other things. I think my list of firsts that I have shared with her may be surpassing her list of firsts with me. I haven't kept track, but I think it has.
They may not be as groundbreaking as hers were with me, but firsts none the less. There are two that could be called "groundbreaking"....one of them she knows about, because I told her...the other..well we share that one and I don't think she knows it, but it was on her list that she sent me what seems like forever ago. Right around the middle of the list, if memory serves right, with the note " (and last)"
There are a lot of firsts that we have handed each other...I would like to share some more....A First Guinness in Ireland...A first sushi in Tokyo.....A first Carnival in Rio...you get the picture.
I would like the next "Big" firsts to be both of ours...together
Delores and I had a video chat tonight. It was a first for me. She was also my first web cam chat, and IM, and a few other things. I think my list of firsts that I have shared with her may be surpassing her list of firsts with me. I haven't kept track, but I think it has.
They may not be as groundbreaking as hers were with me, but firsts none the less. There are two that could be called "groundbreaking"....one of them she knows about, because I told her...the other..well we share that one and I don't think she knows it, but it was on her list that she sent me what seems like forever ago. Right around the middle of the list, if memory serves right, with the note " (and last)"
There are a lot of firsts that we have handed each other...I would like to share some more....A First Guinness in Ireland...A first sushi in Tokyo.....A first Carnival in Rio...you get the picture.
I would like the next "Big" firsts to be both of ours...together
Friday, May 1, 2009
Man, I'm Tired
Tomorrow is Friday. This has been the fastest week ever. EVER. It had the absolute best start.
A visit. An unexpected visit too. I wish we could have had more time, gone to lunch, laid around a little. But it really made for one of the best and fastest weeks I've had in a while.
I have almost all the boxes gone. The ones I do have are "stored" away in closets. I cleaned as best I could with stuff still around. I need to get pictures on the walls. I need to sort through my office stuff and throw shit away. I need to do that with my closet. I know for a fact that I have stuff in there that I don't like or doesn't fit. I need to get that fucking fish tank over here. I need to get shelves hung up so I can get some of this shit up and off the floor.
I really need a visit from Delores again, but I am very thankful for what I have gotten.
I need to get some sleep. Boy started walking on his birthday. This weekend is going to be a handful.
A visit. An unexpected visit too. I wish we could have had more time, gone to lunch, laid around a little. But it really made for one of the best and fastest weeks I've had in a while.
I have almost all the boxes gone. The ones I do have are "stored" away in closets. I cleaned as best I could with stuff still around. I need to get pictures on the walls. I need to sort through my office stuff and throw shit away. I need to do that with my closet. I know for a fact that I have stuff in there that I don't like or doesn't fit. I need to get that fucking fish tank over here. I need to get shelves hung up so I can get some of this shit up and off the floor.
I really need a visit from Delores again, but I am very thankful for what I have gotten.
I need to get some sleep. Boy started walking on his birthday. This weekend is going to be a handful.
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