Did you feel that?

I said that...
That first day.
"Did you feel that"?

Referring to that wave of emotion that crashed over us, starting this whole thing.

We "felt" again tonight.. We felt that we had said or done something to upset the other. It's not that we did, but we felt the same thing at the same time.

We can feel each other as if we are looking at each other. We know when something is wrong, we know when something is right. We can feel each others heartbeats for miles

I could feel her last night... I really could.. I woke up with an urge to check my email, but I had left the phone in the kitchen... my body was sore and was worn out from a difficult day. I thought it as nonsense...I woke up and had messages from Delores right around that time.... I could feel her not being able to sleep, and I let her down.

We really don't have use for words.... maybe that's why we didn't talk about anything before... But we sure can start a conversation in some interesting predicaments.

I really want to see her as much as I can, But I don't like it when it hurts her to think about it.

I can feel that too... not always, but sometimes.

I wonder, how many times during our years apart, we were feeling something from the other. Not realizing it, but thinking it was just some strange feeling.... but in fact, it was at a time when one of us was hurt, or overjoyed........

That, I don't think we will ever be able to confirm, Delores and I have done a good job of clouding some of the past in our minds, but I believe, truly believe, that we have felt each other all our lives....

All of our lives

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!

That unexpected phone call.....
The phone rings and I get over to it...There's her picture on the caller ID.......

I got to talk to her for a few minutes.
I was about to get some work stuff going and there she was. I was going to post something but I cannot remember, for the life of me, what it was.

I will say that I was secretly hoping that she was going to say that she was coming over for a few hours... I would have forgone anything for that.

I do wish that she could share the night sky with me... maybe in due time... but she called... that made my night

The Greatest Monday EVER

I basically talked Delores into coming over.. She was tired from being up all night and I, of course, said she was welcome to sleep here if she wanted... I just wanted to see her

She came over... just me and her... for the first time here......

what we both thought would be an hour visit turned into...... hehe

The BEST MONDAY EVER.......

I'm still sticky with sweat; there was a little cheating with that, I can't really afford AC and the kids were here for three days this weekend and I kinda blew my electrical budget, so it was a little warm.

4 hours....not non-stop, but it was 4 hours of nakedness and cuddling and some hardcore "worthy of quality porn" type sex... a lot of that. I think we blew our own minds that we were capable of that.

Delores sent me an email that tallied the "damage", I'm still a little in awe of it... but I will toot my horn here and say that I DID GOOOOOD. I seriously did not know that many orgasms could happen in a DAY... much less 4 hours

Seriously, we were drunk afterwards. Stumbly, can't think straight... shit, I had trouble seeing straight. It only stopped because she insisted I go to work. I had trouble pushing the gas peddle down my legs were so weak... and I'm not exactly a frail person.

She smelled so good too, kinda tropical fruity... still can't place it. Kinda Pina Colada, but not quite.

So I walk in the door after working a little later than usual and look at the bed..... it's destroyed :)

The sheets and comforter are somewhere.... I know we soaked it in sweat, I laid in the world's biggest "wetspot" today. one of the pillows was so soaked that it changed color.


We were sticking together from the salt........

You'll be hard pressed to find a day that I would trade for today.

I hope we can start every week out like that........ and the best part... if she were here.... she would get at least one more

Fathers Day

The day doesn't mean as much to me as Mothers Day means to Mothers.
I guess because it's still relatively new for me and not a lot of good things have happened in the days surrounding.

It's just another Sunday to me.

Last year, I did get the results of the paternity test on the thursday leading up..... That was kind of difficult knowing that was coming for three weeks. Thursday, 10:30 pm.... 3 days before Fathers Day, I found out if I was going to be celebrating or if someone else got to have his first...

I think it took it's toll on me and I have to think about tit as just another day

122

that's the number of emails that Delores and I have exchanged in the past 24 hours...
one string is at 98. I was hoping for 100 tonight, but she wasn't feeling to good today, and even had to go to the hospital last night.....

I'll take 122 :)

Windfall

The boss called.
Someone is leaving our sales team and his customers are being divided up amongst the 3 that work in those areas.
I'm one of them. He was checking to see if my non-compete agreement was up with the previous company. It is

I will be taking on a load next week of existing customers, which is more difficult than building them from scratch. You need to get used to a whole different system and each customer has their own way of doing things....... so lets just add to the stress level some.... but the money is going to nice :) and I can drop some of the crappy ones I've been dealing with just to keep my numbers up. the ones that kinda make the small things into big things and can ruin your whole day.

This is going to be fun... especially the money part

Fuck her

Ex keeps calling to ask for more money..
The $2000 vet bill for her dog... not her responsibility because she moved
The HOA dues.... not her responsibility because she moved
The electric bill from the house to keep it maintained while it sold..not her responsibility because she moved

The time off work I took to clean and get the dog out for showings...not her responsibility because she moved

The kids furniture that she has that is on my credit card.....not her responsibility because we're divorced

The dog expenses......
Her car insurance for 6 months
The fucking entertainment center I got jammed with
My Sequoia that she traded in and kept all the money
My gas for nearly 200 miles to pick them up, plus time off work, because she leaves them at school and takes off for vacation.... twice a month.
the "babysitting" I take on so she doesn't have to pay a sitter... only costs me $30 in gas to and from her mom's.. it's nice to have the kids a little more, but her mom won't budge as long as it costs me
The fucked up holiday arrangements...... I get the kids when it's convenient for her family
The birthdays.... I'm not allowed

"I need more money".....

"I don't have it"

"You need to make more"...

Fuck her... I'm so sick of hearing it...........................

I needed that

Today was pretty bad.
One small thing after another.
Small things, but they kept piling up.

I had a few successes at work, solved a problem for one of my cohorts who is on vacation, but each success was met with a x2 setback.

All culminating with my car, I started hearing a ticking sound that I heard months ago that ended up being a $1000 repair that I had to borrow from my brother.

I went out and had to hunt for a repair manual. By the time I found it, it was to dark, and I decided to look up what I think is the problem...hehe

A complete tear down and rebuild book.... what I think is wrong with mine.. "take to a professional mechanic"...... figures. I can fix just about any mechanical and most electrical things... a professional is recommended for the bearings....
At least I can break it down and bring in the piece that needs repair, save ungodly amounts in labor......
But it figures, the one thing that is wrong, is so difficult, that it's not in the book. They tell you how to remove the major part to take in to the mechanic, but not how to do it.

I'm jacking it up in a few hours to find out.....

I got depressed, and more... and more. Spiraling into the "life sucks, I hate it" type of mode

But Delores emailed me right when I was heading to bed.

We sent about 40 email bursts... in a pretty short period of time. I really needed that. Just to hear from her. I feel so much better now. So much better

Work out: day 2, is in a few hours, followed by vehicle repair 301... then I get to go to work..... at least now, I can face it.
She does that to me.
Charges me up when I need it the most

205

I used to weigh 205 lbs. Back when I was on active duty.
I exceeded the height/weight limits set by the Marine Corps by almost 30 lbs... 178 for my height. I was put on a waiver because of my physical abilities....by the way, I was 23.

8% body fat
345 bench press
1000 lb leg press

32 in waist
48 in chest

10 mile uphill run and it felt good
26 mile walk with 80-100 lbs of shit on your back... in 8 hrs. I would at some point have to throw on someone else's pack and have a 2nd person holding on to mine to "drag" them up the hills.

I was in some pretty good shape back then...real good shape.
I want it back. And I am going to get it.

My gym is now easily accessible. I wanted to start tomorrow, but I am waiting for the battery to charge on my camera so I can send Delores the pics.... I also broke out the bike......

It's time to start training again..... for what, I don't know. But I know in a month, it will feel a lot better than it does now....

And I want Delores to see me like that. I think she would like it....

10:15 pm

Who is calling me at 10:00 at night????

I was experimenting with a recipe, and the phone is ringing......

IT"S DELORES!!!!!!!!!!

I was so happy to hear from her, but I also thought something may be wrong.. It was the first thing I said after "Hi".... is everything ok?

She just wanted to call, she was on her way home from a party.......

She has out of town guests also, so we haven't been emailing much, but I am getting this place cleaned up and organized...finally.

we didn't get to talk long, but it was so nice just to hear her voice

I think I may go out tonight for a little to celebrate the new, partial cleanliness

Of Mice And Men

George did it..... I don't know how he summoned the courage for it

It was because ( I think Curley) couldn't. Couldn't put down his old suffering dog even though it was the right thing to do.

George put down Lennie when the lynch mob came for him. Because the one that loved him should have done it.

My dog... my last faithful friend, who has been by my side through some of the worst events in my life, is deteriorating. She needs to go to the vet... bad.

The last dog this happened to... who belonged to Ex, cost over $2000 just to diagnose. I no longer have a credit card.. and all I can afford is to buy food for her and my kids.

I have my Dad's shotgun.... if I want it. It's at my brothers house.................

I can't do it, not without a Dr's opinion....... I can't even afford to put her down if it was necessary.
I don't think I could even do it myself.... I'm not that strong

I wish

I wish I could fall asleep and end the night, like we talked about.
I wish I could wake up and begin the day, like we talked about.

Just like we were; you half laying on me, slightly propped up. Looking down on me.

I want so bad to see that every day.

I wish I could watch you sleep. I've never seen you sleep peacefully. I know it would be angelic; I had a taste of it in the hotel when we went away. But that wasn't real sleep.

I wish we didn't have to hide

I wish we didn't have to not call

I wish I could tell my friends

I wish I could tell the world

I wish this was easy

I wish that it didn't hurt you

I wish that every day could be better than the last

I wish I could share those days with you

already

I miss you

2 more down

The house is sold. Settled
Closed.

It's gone finally.

I won't lie and say that I'm not a little down about it. I had a lot of aspirations when I bought it. I put a lot of time, and effort, and a shit ton of money into it. I only lost about $180,000 in equity not including the extra improvements I made.

I saw Delores for the first time in forever at that house.

But it's gone. It needed to be. It was a problem from the beginning.

I also got a call from the attorney for my fathers estate yesterday on the way to settlement.
The car is mine.
My stepmother was fighting and fighting the estate distributions, and has been for 2 1/2 years. There really is no money left. She kept fighting for this car that I wanted to buy from the estate once it was all settled. She finally caved yesterday, I guess when she finally understood that it was not as valuable as she thought, and the amount of money I have put into it for repairs exceeded that value.

I asked the estate to reimburse me, receipts in hand.

I own it now, free and clear.
A rare BMW 5 series...only 500 were made. Someone should have done better research and checked what a collector would have paid for it
hehehehehehehehe

It is going to look so good with Delores in that passenger seat :)

Hand of Fate??????

I was checking my email on the phone while waiting for the light to change and Delores had responded to a something I had said about my (fathers estate) car.

The vehicle in front of me had not only her rare school sticker on it, but also had the sport that person was involved with. One that Delores played when she went to that school.....a very, VERY rare and obscure sport (at least amongst us commoners :))

I told her about it.
She replied that there were probably 20 people in the world that would have that sticker.

There are about 6 billion people on the planet.
For statistical purposes, lets say that there are 1000 of those stickers out there.
Given the shear size of the planet....fuck that...just the United States (continental), and the places people relocate to after high school, not to mention that I was in my, now, old town again. and to be looking at this in front of me......

The odds of seeing that sticker...incalculable..... seeing it again? yeah right.....
I did something that had better odds
I bought a lottery ticket.....