Wedding Bells

They're a ringing.....

Sorry that its been so long, but not a lot of anything has occurred until the past 2 weeks and I've been kinda processing it all..

NO.. not my wedding bells.. Ex is getting married.
Yup, she is taking the plunge again.

For those that know the back story, you are probably thinking that I would blow up, or that she is nuts, or have a shitload of opinions...

Guess how I reacted?????

I said "Congratulations" .... and even more... I meant it.

I really am happy for her... oh, yes, its the same guy that she left me for.. but I really am. She found a guy that she likes enough to commit to like that again.. he's good with my kids (they love him to death) and he's a nice guy.

Yeah, seriously.. he's a nice guy. I met him last week. I like him.
I would love to hang out with him. If things were different, I'd give him a shot at being a friend of mine. But unfortunately, he's not really up for that.
I met him on a freakishly hot day when I dropped the kids back with her and there were some large items that needed to be moved from her old place. I had the ability to take them to her moms which is on my way home, so I did. And he helped me load it all up.

It was a little funny to me because when its hot like that, I take off my shirt.. Now I'm not a bodybuilder by any means, but for a 36 yr old man who hasn't exercised regularly in YEARS, I've kept it pretty well... I was throwing things around that he had trouble just handling. We got along.. he and I talked for about an hour and half in the process of getting this crap loaded up and secured. He really is a cool guy..not very strong, but a good guy non the less.

I know it sounds superficial and that i was trying to intimidate, but it really wasn't like that at all. he was scared but he was the one that approached me (remember, I was dropping off the kids and gathering all their shit and letting Ex know what was where, etc).. We shook hands and I said "glad to meet you".. he said the same thing, but included "finally".... I let it go... I'm the one who had been asking for a year.

We did it, and got it all loaded into my truck and trailer just as the drops of a storm started to fall. Ex and the kids were in their car and I had volunteered to take it to he mom's house.. I mean, shit... its the least I could do.. so I guess you could call that their wedding gift (I'm still broke as fuck but it saved them a few hundred bucks)..

So the kids and Ex are in the car and its just me and him as we walk towards it so I can give the hugs and kisses to the kids.... While still a good distance away, I said "Hey!!" and tapped him on the arm. As he turned, I stuck out my hand and said "hey dude, congratulations..seriously"

He said "thanks.. it really was good to meet you finally" and I agreed..

A couple more steps happened and then I did it... I grabbed his right shoulder with my left hand (because he was in front of me and a bit to my left) and turned him around.. looked him square in the eye..." Dude... I don't give a shit anymore...really... I don't" as I shook his hand again..

We left it at that. I said goodbye to the kids.

In hindsight I should have worded that differently, but I think he got the point... the point that I really am past it all. I even told Ex in a text after they pulled away that I really liked the guy.. I do. I even feel bad for him because I know what he is getting into...
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention.. they're planning on having kids.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dropping like flies

sooooo...
Now I am starting to experience another extreme of sorts...
I've just lost about half of my ass....
the ass I was getting at least.. one has a boyfriend... one got arrested (she was supposed to be here this past weekend), one said that she doesn't "share well".. and one, just a few hours ago, "broke up" with me... she wants kids in the future... and a marriage... I had said a few weeks ago that I was not interested in either..... because I have two of the former and have had one of the latter

she didnt like that. The marriage thing wasn't nearly as important as the kid thing was... but its not exactly like I've had the best record when it has come to my last two (I'm including the miscarriage in this calculation)

I have nothing against kids... not at all. I've even thought about what it would be like to have a 3rd with someone..... and then I remember all the shit from the first two that I have and how much I miss them....and then I would miss out on even more....

so no....no more kids. I want to focus on the two that I have when the rare chance that I get them happens

and... I'm still working on Linda... I don't contact her, but she gets in touch with me periodically... and then I try to keep the conversation going.... but just like with Delores, it will just end... end with no response....
I'll get all this shit figured out one day.. I know I will

2:37

BINGO BINGO BINGO!!!!!!

"Bingo" used to be the call sign for an interception back in the old days when I played football.. It told the defense to basically switch from attacking to blocking in order to get the absolute best field position or even get it to the end zone....

The chick I was concerned about.. the one who kept talking about our "compatibility"... has started dating..

YES!!!!!!!

She just told me. I could tell that she had some concerns about how I was gonna take it... That's funny considering that we had talked about her dating just about 2 months ago. She brought it up about how I would feel if she did. I told her that we had agreed that we would make a horrible couple, that we were both just kind of filling a void... that I would be happy for her.
We've been friends for over 25 yrs. We've helped each other through some rough times...

She also said that she's "dating"... and doesn't have a boyfriend yet...and wanted to make sure that I was still available to fulfill some of those "adult needs"... (she gets off on giving blow jobs and has told me that I have been her absolute favorite all around; size, taste, recovery and large amount of load... and quite frankly.. she's the BEST I have ever had [no offense to anyone].. the first one, I was standing up and she dropped me to my knees in 45 seconds. I still grin thinking about that night)

Man.. life is good.. I still didnt tell her about the chicks I nailed in her bed... I was tempted to, but I'm not that stupid....

I'm curious when this life will blow up in my face.. right now, I don't care cuz all my married friends HATE ME... and hate hearing my stories. Not because they don't like me, but because they are stuck watching me live every man's fantasy...

I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!!

Overscheduled and wearing down

Stamina... I'm kind of well known for it. In several ways; physically and mentally.

But every man has a point that he just needs a fucking break and I think I have hit that point...
The big difference between the break I need now and the break I needed before is that I have done it to myself....and I'm not complaining about it at all.

My business is taking off very well and I'm loving it.. but the work is labor intensive and then I have administrative duties when I get home.. and I am squeezing that in between the woman juggling....

Yup, I'm at it again and better than ever. I actually have a rotation that I use. I hooked up with 2 chicks while living in the city; one I'm still seeing and the other, I think has decided not to get together again. I don't really care because she was WAAAYYY younger that me.. oh well.
The one I'm still seeing is very capable of keeping up with me...very capable. And that is pretty much the only thing that we have in common; the ability to fuck each other silly.

I have "arrangements" with 2 friends who are in between relationships and ask me to help satisfy "adult needs"..seriously, that's all I am and I really like that set up. There kinda is a third in that arena and that is starting to scare me some because she keeps hinting at our compatibility even though we discussed months ago what a disaster we would be as a romantic couple. I know it is coming from the way I make her eyes roll back and she definitely doesn't have the ability to keep up with me, so i may have to end that one. Especially if she found out what the hell I did on her bed for 3 weeks

Have another flying in.. just to literally sample the goods. That one I can't wait for...gonna be 3 days of insane nakedness... Why? because she has always wanted to know since hearing what I did to a few of her friends.

All this, plus another 2 that have me on a booty call hot line... they get a few drinks, get antsy in the pantsy and my phone is ringing at odd hours... sometimes I go and sometimes not. Kinda depends on what I had done that day.. but i have achieved one of the more "manly" things in life... 2 in a day.. but at least I showered in between.

Add all this to my working out and the manual labor that I do daily and I am wearing down fast. I have 3 more big jobs to schedule in and am looking for an investor and a few people to bring in part time.

I have decided to take a day off today and get some stuff done around here. rest up my abs and chest and shoulders (they have been getting a hell of a workout the past few weeks)... I really have to recover because tomorrow is going to be another rough and wild day.. my "match" is coming over for the first time.. And there is only one other person that has ever even come close to keeping up...Strangely.. there are a LOT of similarities between the two... way to many.. kinda weird to be honest.

So ladies.. be wary.. OG is out there and on the hunt. And if you get your chance, you may just be able to figure out who I am while you lay there quivering in exhaustion trying to get your eyes to focus again...

I think I may bring in Tucker Max as a wing man.. I could teach him a few things

It just keeps getting easier

I didn't even realize it until I saw the date today..
I actually had to think about it, but I knew there was some significance to today. Something just kept "ringing a bell" in my head...

Two years ago I was delivered the hardest kick in the nuts that I have ever received... two years ago at 5:15 pm... I almost forgot it. I bet next year, if I don't pay attention to the date, I wont even notice it...

Summer in the city

I have moved to the city for the next few weeks.. pet sitting.

I've been here before and done all this before, but that was when I had absolutely nothing else to do other than sit around and wallow in self pity. In fact, the last time was when Linda popped back up.
Now.. I'm fucking tired as all hell. I have to get up early and get the critters walked and fed, then get myself walked and fed, hop in the truck and take an unfamiliar commute.

Add to that, I started on a second "quick" job today... pulling down a bathroom ceiling and replacing it. I thought it would have taken just a few hours.. that was until the mold started coming down too.. then I had to work slow.. really slow. I didn't have the proper gear for this and I couldn't leave them without a functional bathroom..(it's the only one) So I took it on the rest of the day. Had to replace the framing structure, redo my entire plan of how to replace this ceiling.

Something kept telling me to be outta there by 5:30.. no matter what. so I pushed it and picked up the pace. I was sweating like a pig all day. I had to have stunk. No way to tell the time other than to stop and get my phone from the tool box... The next series of cuts I had to do, I checked.. 5:33... I started at an even more furious pace and then I heard it... I heard it happen out in the living room

"Hi Linda, did you come to see the mess?"

Yes.. I was working on her Mom's place.. and yes... I had hoped to see her...
But I knew I had to get the hell out because I knew the next thing I was going to hear from the living room was... "This is Jay...."

But wait... it gets better.. They poke their heads around the corner (which is just across from Linda's room) to see whats going on and I had to do the obligatory stop in mid work and say "Whats up Jay.. been a long time.. what have you been up to?"

Yup.. I know him. Known him a long time. What kinda makes it really weird.. is that he doesn't know about me. Linda told me that was who she was seeing.. she had mentioned my name to him and he said he knew me... a few days later, he asked what our relationship had been. She told me this.. that she had said we were just friends.. I added in for her to say that we had worked together, I had helped her move and that I was going to be working on her moms bathroom...

The guy doesn't know... and he probably doesn't know about the 2 dozen texts we exchanged after that while they were at dinner.. it started with me saying that I wasn't ready for that just yet, but thought I handled it pretty well... her response was that she felt bad and thought I would have been gone by that time, but she does miss me.
There were a bunch more that I'm not gonna go into because it doesn't matter... It doesn't anymore.. I hesitated and lost.. and I'm not going to get into another "fight"

He makes her happy and treats her well, I have no reason to impose on that..
Told Linda that too.

But I do miss her

But its probably for the best, I mean... I need to start thinning out the herd so to speak.... I've got way to much going on with to many people plus getting a business off the ground.. I think I'll start trimming when I get home.. I'll be 3 weeks in the city with plenty of time to think... and decide if I'm going to take a few trips or not...

Oh, I forgot to mention.. I have a bunch of out of town offers... offers to be flown in just to "hang out" for a few days... I'm not stupid, I know what the offer is, I'm just deciding if I want to go that route again (only one is single..). And then there are the others.... I'm still debating if I want to put those adventures down or not... there's been quite a few the past month..

And one REALLY interesting "battle" at a bar a few days ago.. newly divorced chick sitting between me and this other guy going through one.. obviously, our attentions turned to her and it was the BEST game of cat and mouse that you could have witnesses. I knew I lost when he went and got a room at the luxury hotel that the bar was in.. I knew he had it at that point.. but he and I exchanged information and I invited him out to be my wingman any day, because he does have some skills, formidable ones..Haven't heard back yet, but its only been a couple days and he is probably still recovering because I bet she showed him what the world was like.. you could tell she was an animal... you could just tell...

DAMN.. I wish I had more time to party and less time to work while I'm here....
Oh well, I could always say yes to a plane ticket

Another one bites the dust

Soooo
Linda's gone for good.
She and I had discussed having dinner this weekend or next week when she got back from a vacation. I had planned to ask her what she would expect from me if we started seeing each other again.. I was ready to talk about what it was that I did that she didn't like, and what it was that she did that made me uncomfortable..

Doesn't matter now. She told me yesterday that she had something to tell me that would probably make me sad... I asked what it was. She said she would tell me at dinner when we went out. I asked her to just tell me after spitting out all kinds of off the wall guesses... I'm glad she did tell me
She met someone and he makes her happy
I called off dinner because there was no point.

Now mind you, we are still friends and we do plan on hanging out, but right now it still stings a little to do that.

That's what I get for hesitating... missing an opportunity. we'll never know now... oh well, nothing I can do about it without making empty promises and that is something I wont do.
And i am getting a little "over scheduled" now.. My business is getting better, I may have some assistance coming along to help get it further off the ground.. and they are still coming out of the woodwork... I need to start prioritizing.. and I mean where I go first....

two years ago....almost

I was delivered some of the worst possible news any man could ever have to hear almost two years ago... next month it will be two years.

I thought I was going to die when I heard those words..... "I don't know if you're his father".... my boy was a month old... to the day... and she chose our anniversary to tell me...

"I don't know..."

Not a "I fucked around when we were trying for a second child and I'm sorry, but he is yours"

Not a "I fucked around on you, he's not yours...I'm sorry)

(this is all nutshell conversation shit.. I really don't like reliving it again, thankyouverymuch)

I don't know.... and then the worst three weeks of my life started... worse than any car accidents, any bloodshed, any firefights... any of it..... the worst three weeks I have ever experienced to date.

I had to wait out a paternity test.... the results came back the Thursday before Father's day... he was mine. And it was delivered in such a cold manner that I know that is where a lot of my resentment for Ex comes from... from the "he's yours" and then going back to watching tv.. because her life didn't change regardless... but mine could have..... drastically.

We lived under the same roof for months, trying to salvage what we could as far as equity in the collapsing house market... we sold it and ended up loosing $300,000... not chump change by any means.. I took the brunt of that loss..

There's a lot of fighting and money taking and moving and all kinds of other shit that happened.... and then... then I got my own place.. my OWN place.... I got it last year.

I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!!!! it's mine. I do what I want, I come and go as I please. If I leave a bottle cap on the counter the world does not implode.. nor does it if my socks are on the floor.
IF the tv is turned on... it's what I feel like watching and the volume doesn't have to shake the windows... I can read a book in bed.. as late as want to and not be restricted to a time limit, and if I fall asleep while reading said book... wow...I'm not an irresponsible idiot. I can cook what ever I want as many times in a row that I want to have it.
I know how much money I have in my account and it doesn't decrease by leaps and bounds as purses and shoes miraculously appear.

Yeah.. it was a tough road. And yeah, I'm still unemployed.. But I started a business of my own as a solution.. and no one has told me that I can't do this line of work because the title isn't "impressive" enough or because the immediate 6 figure income didn't materialize.

It was tough and I'm broke, but not only am I happier than I have ever been, I'm motivated and I enjoy waking up in the morning because I look forward to another rough day of dirt and dust and grime....and when I walk in the door... no one says "when is dinner going to be ready".. followed by "why did you make that, I don't want that"..

HEHEHEHE.. why the fuck was I so scared almost two years ago?????

I know what its like

I'm not sure what I want to say.. it's almost like I'm saying someone else's news..

I got an email this morning in response to a lengthy one that I sent last night...

Delores and DH have decided to get divorced....

My heart sank. Because I know what it's like, and it's going to be a pretty similar situation to what I went through...

Some people would think that I should be excited, but I'm not... I want her to be happy, and I know that this is the only way, but I wish I could take on what is coming so that she didn't have to. It's not pleasant by any means, especially having to live under the same roof for some time.

I hope Danielle is right about her utilizing my tenacity (im still not sure what she meant by that).. but I hope that she can use it; use it to hold on.. hold on to the other side of what seems the impossible climb. Because when you get there, the view is breathtaking

Just a quick one

I'm fucking exhausted right now.. so I'm gonna be quick.

I said one a week.. and I'm trying to stick to that and I will have more later. There has been a few things that I need to get out here.. but sandman is calling.

Here is the overview

I got my kids this weekend :)

Strange coincidences surrounding D have started again

I cant tell if Linda is making a move back, or if she is trying to be friends like we were before

I'm worried about D ... not a feeling, but some things that she has said to me... several things

Yes, I am

I am one of those people you need to slam in the head with a frying pan.
I'm bull headed and will stick to my guns if the only other option is death... because then at least, I will go down fighting.

Battles are won and lost everyday; some are gargantuan such as actual combat, or a fight against cancer..... some are small.. such as the "please boss, can I go home early"..

Everyday battles are fought. Husband vs. Wife, Child vs. Parent, Man vs. Machine... in my case, Man vs. Life..

The difference between the victor and the vanquished is often a very thin line... some depends on a little luck, a little more skill, a little more training... and sometimes its who can stand the longest.

I did my best, I stuck to my guns.. I have no regrets. I did what I said I was going to do.. and little do you all know, I still am.

" for as long as you will have me"

I said those words a year and a half ago. I meant them. The romance is gone.. I know that better than any of you.. in fact, I have probably known it LONGER than any of you. None of you have ever seen our interactions... in between these posts, we have conversations. None of you can feel the intuition that I have, nor have seen the look on her face when she couldn't tell me last year that it was done... but I knew, because I could see it. I could feel it as well.

I just needed her to tell me. She did that last week.

She has not dismissed me.. not said "I never want to see you again".. not said to go away... she's tried to push some.. hinting at things that she knows I don't want to hear. Testing my resolve a little I guess.. maybe some self protection on her part. But there is something else.... we have been friends from the beginning in this. Regardless of what the initial intentions were of that first visit... I knew what was going on. Some of the first advice I had ever given to her in my life was that first day.
It was in the hallway of my house, they had been there for just a few minutes. In the couple emails we had exchanged the few days leading up to this, I had gotten the information I needed...

"Please, get yourself sorted out and get yourself happy, before you do to someone what happened to me"

That's what I said... that's what I said to her. Before the apology, before that admission that I had thought of her all this time, before the confessions, before the kiss..

I was her friend first. And I still am
And I always will be.
And I shit you not.. the girl needs a friend right now that will tell it straight. whether she listens or not is a different story. All I can do is call it like I see it.

I may have "lost" the battle for her heart. I can live with that because I fought the good fight and fought it to the end.. to the decision.

But I will not stand idly by and watch the only woman that I have ever truly loved destroy herself without sound advice.. objective advice.. based on facts. I can do that, and I have... what you all don't know is that I have done that all this time.

The battle for her heart may have ended, but I will make DAMN sure she does not lose her soul. I am standing my post at her side until I am dismissed.

Because I said I would

and just to give you some insight to WHY I was willing to fight to the end... outside of feelings and looks and all that other crap... because at heart, I am a warrior... its what I do.

I read this at my fathers funeral over 3 years ago.. when he lost his fight... I was 33

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

In yo face mutha' fucka'

Do you read your horoscope?.. I do sometimes, just to see if it happens or not. I had a discussion with D a few weeks ago about them when one of mine was pretty much spot on about big changes if I was willing to travel and use my unique insight... networking could help launch an idea into success....and such and such. That was the day I got my first "big" job in my new handyman venture... Like I said, spot on, but that could have been interpreted in several ways.

Now almost all reasonable people know that they are written in such a vague way that you generally have to read deep into it and you can find a way to apply what is said to your current life.

Well, I read mine again today and the subtlety was very hard to pick out.. I read into it and think I've figured it out...maybe. Like I said, they are written in a way to apply to just about anyone.

Take a look at it. read carefully between the lines. see if you can figure it out some and give me your opinion on what you think it's trying to tell me. It may be a little tough and, even aggravating trying to see how this could possibly apply to me.

here it is:

LIBRA: Today is a 3 Star day
You can eliminate your stress if you are willing to put an end to a fight that is a losing battle. Finalize a settlement or agree to a contract before someone revokes what`s already on the table. Cut your losses and get on with your life.

Could you find it? Did you pick it out?.. I'm still not sure if I get it or not......

I sent it to D.... all she could say was "Wow"

Step 4: Wallpaper

My desktop wallpaper image is now a steak dinner..

Since I have owned this computer, it was a picture of Delores and me that was taken by my then 4 yr old daughter ... a few days before Christmas.. the day they met.

Why a steak dinner? because I really want one right now... that would be so fucking good.. in fact, I'm getting paid tomorrow, so I think I will go out and buy a few and fire up the grill.

Here is a small sample of what it used to look like.. Delores on the left.. me on the right. How it turned out this way, I will never know.. I'm only about an inch taller than her




So... it's done.. the wallpaper to me was always the "thing".. so its done and over now and life can move on

Penance for the sins

I know Delores pretty well... I know she has written something about my confession to her. She has to have.. it's who she is

It took me about 5 hours to write down.. I had to do it. It wasn't really all that much other that I had started to see someone. I had already gotten the impression that it was all over; she was avoiding me and the few times I did get to converse with her it was mundane "weather" talk.. or about OOG... Yes, I did (and still do) talk to her about him

But it doesn't matter about that... I had lied to her...again. But this time, I wasn't going to wait a decade and a half to admit it.. I'm pretty sure she suspected anyway.. it's not like she doesn't know the signs from me or anything, but in all fairness who would blame me?.. I had permission.. I'm not attached.... she did ask that she not be the last to know if I started seeing someone. So what did I do? I didn't tell anyone.. seriously.. My neighbors knew... the girls mom knew. (i was told about that disappointment there.. she liked me) and who ever she told knew.... Oh.. "the girl" is the one I called Linda.
All that shit about Linda is true..... except one part... we were seeing each other when I helped her move.

It sucks to say all this, but I have to because Delores told me today that she is now in my shoes... that she knows what it was like to be me; holding on to someone that you know most likely won't come around to you.

What I didn't say, was that I know what it's like to be in her shoes... having feelings for two people at the same time and being torn between them..
Now, I wasn't in love with Linda.. but the potential was there. I saw it right away.. and I hesitated. I let her pass by me. Linda called it off quick..
Delores even suggested I try to get her back... and I did. Linda said I had more healing to do first; that my need for alone time was not conducive to her clinginess (Linda is a self admitted "have to be around all the time next to you" type of person... I couldn't deal with that right now.. It sucks because I genuinely liked her.. and I liked her being here...just not ALL the time. we had fun cooking and shoveling and chasing chickens (long story but my neighbors have chickens that run around) and couch lounging, etc.....

I lost her because I couldn't give her what she needed.. and I'm starting to think that I intentionally fucked it up holding out for Delores

Delores gave me up for something unseen

I lost Linda to the unseen....

Who is wearing who's shoes now?

Back to the point..... I asked Delores what, if anything, she said about my confession


FUCK!!!! its way to late to email Linda.. I need to be up in a couple hours... Shit!!!
It doesn't matter anyway..... she thinks I need more time regardless....
Life sucks... being a grown up sucks even more

Confessions of The Other Guy

In a nutshell, because I was up typing for 5 hours last night to Delores.. and we've been saying a lot to each other today

I confessed that i wasn't entirely "faithful".. and it was only very recently. But I was involved with someone for a few weeks.. she broke it off with me last week because of my inability to commit to her.. she was right about it, she didn't want to wait around and hope and then end up hurt (smart girl, huh?).

She knew all about Delores.. and I mean ALL the gory details.. I was straight up with her from the beginning including making it clear that i wasn't looking for a serious relationship right now.

But she was right.. I know I'm not ready yet, but I do miss her, we had a lot in common and got along great.. but I'm just not ready for it yet...

But I did come out of the gate pretty well this weekend.. that I can say :)

Here's how it went down

She sends me this email... I highlighted the key phrase, she didn't.. so don't think she was being all nasty like that

i'm not gonna be mad. you know, if you go see other people. i actually a) want you to be happy and b) want you to get laid!

i'm not thinking that you are my backup plan. if you think i'm just not aware of my own plans, maybe you are right. what i do know is that i'll have trouble being faithful for the rest of my life. also, i think i have decided that even if OOG and i don't work out, i won't come running back to you. even if i do, that's so far down the road that i can't even picture when that would be. therefore, i think we should both accept that it's going to be a long time before i ever change my mind, if i ever change my mind.

you're my friend first. i love you. but something about the way you love me scares the hell outta me and i don't know why. i can be friends first. or i can have a complicated relationship with you, whatever.

just make sure whoever she is, she's good-looking, smart, not an alcoholic, and appreciates you. i hope she is good enough in bed to meet you up at your level, so she can fully enjoy all you have to offer, and can please you just the same. :) and i hope she's not too demanding, and not irresponsible with money.

We have had several exchanges all day.. and strangely, I'm relieved. It's over. A decision has been reached.. I'm not sitting here all down and crying. I feel free for the first time in my life.
They always say that your first relationship after a divorce never works out. I struggled with that all this time, afraid of those words, but I guess that information is correct..

She actually encouraged me to go out and conquer when I explained how much "interest" there was in OG...and you know what?? I told her that I plan to..

We didn't shut off communication (that I know of at least).. and oddly enough, right when she sent this one to me, I received a reply to an email I sent to an old friend of mine who is a published author; I had asked if she would be willing to help out Delores with some advice.. So I hope she tells me how that goes.... who knows, next year, you may be buying a book authored by the one and only Delores... and within the next few months a few of you lucky ladies might get bedded by the notorious OG.. who knows.

Life After Heaven has officially started. I'm sorry the love story didn't pan out the way some of us hoped but lets see if another one does start sometime, WAY FAR down the road. I have a bunch of conquests to make so we will see how well I can document that.. feelings were easy to put down because that came from the heart and that can pour out pretty easily.. this will be different.. Still need a job, still want to see my kids, still have to survive... so let see.

And you never know.. it could come full circle. I still believe in Fate. I don't think that she and I will lose touch again anytime soon, but I don't know how this "friend" thing will work out. That is completely unexplored territory when it comes to us.

So lets see what Fate has in store next.

Finale.. not so grand

She said it finally.

She told me....finally.

Its done, and there's really no chance.

More later, I need to clear my head

To Feast or Fast

That is the question

I don't know what the fuck has happened this week, but women have come out of nowhere in hot pursuit. It kind of sucks. I know it sounds weird and I can't think of many guys in the world that wouldn't want this problem.. but it is a problem.

Shit, I'm a single, unattached, relatively young man. How the hell can this be a problem?? Delores told me to go ahead and see other people... she pretty much told me that her feelings for me were gone.. not completely, but it's kind of the impression that I have gotten.

Then today, I read this as a status from one of my friends

"Make no one a priority who only makes you an option."

Is that what I am??? an option?? Second or third.. or fourth best? I'm starting to feel that way... that I'm being strung along.. not being toyed with but kind of like I've been shelved as a "back-up".. I'm not so sure I believe that, but the thought is crossing my mind at times. It's a little demoralizing.

I do seriously and truly believe that we were meant for each other and that is the source for my strength at times. She once believed that too, but if she has decided that she wants to see how this "other" thing goes first.. its not really all that fair to me.. I like to think that it's really more of one of those things that she just needs to sort out

I need to fucking think this through.. this is a tough one.

Now most of you probably are saying "just go for it, she's fucked with your head long enough".. or "you have permission, so do it".. but it's not that simple. It really isn't. I said I would wait and I have... but I didn't think that A) a year and a half would go by and then B) sorry.. I really actually have feelings for someone else even though I told you I didn't.

This fucking sucks.. I know.. ABSOLUTELY KNOW for a fact... she couldn't handle it if I moved on, even temporarily. I know because she blew up on me. Just a scant few minutes after I posted ( this one last year), i got a text.. "you're right, if you move on, it's over". it was kind of ugly, but it made me know that she still had hurt feelings.

This absolutely fucking sucks... I'm not giving up yet; I will at some point because it just has to end some time. I mean seriously, I'm not even sure if I'm even an option in her mind, but I could be.. Or I could be THE choice.. I don't fucking know anymore.

Dammit.. I have had problems that would kill most men and now I have problems most men would kill for....

SHHIIIIIIT!!!!!!!! I need to think....

I'm going to go change my fucking oil......

and the sun isn't even down yet

Its amazing what an attitude adjustment can do to a day.... lets see:

I just landed a multi-week gig for my new business venture.

I then drove off with a gas pump nozzle still in my car....but laughed at it.. I have seen it done before and I am now "one of them"

I then bumped into my ex mother in law at a Lowes... why the fuck was she there??? oh well...nothing dramatic happened, but it was just the fact that it happened

Then I got a call for an interview for a job I applied to 5 MONTHS AGO... but I have an interview.

and now tonight, I am hanging out with some old friends.. some I haven't seen in a few months.. some I haven't seen in years. But the old crew is getting together tonight.

So I am at 3 good to 2 not so good.. and the not so good isn't even that big of a deal....

Shit is turning around... not because it just is (well, there is a bit of luck involved) but because I am making it turn around

+5- 4 is still the right direction

Ever run uphill in sand? and I mean a good, long, steep hill.

I have. It's very akin to a treadmill or running up the down escalator. Its an enormous amount of effort just to get ahead.

The hill I used to run was about 1/4 of a mile.. about 400 yards and it took about 45 minutes. You couldn't ease up the pace at all. as soon as you did, you started sliding backwards. you had to keep the legs going at least 3/4 of a maximum sprint just to make progress... keep the legs moving... keep them going and you would make it to the top.... slow down even a little and you would never make it.

I've been on that hill for just about 2 years now... I've kept easing up to rest for some fucked up reason.

I know how to do this. I've done it before. I know damn well if I slow down, I'll never get there. I've picked up that pace this past week. I want the top of this hill. If anything, so that I can move on to tackle the next one.

I know that I've let myself go stagnant for to long...at least I'm not at the bottom, but I'm nowhere near the top yet. I started the legs cranking....

I talked to Ex about filing a creditor claim against my bankruptcy. I legitimately owe her some money and there is an inheritance coming that I can't touch.... so I convinced her to fill out the giant claim package and get as much as she legally can... Might as well, it's money that will never touch my hands.
While she is not exactly my favorite person, getting pissy with her has accomplished nothing other than get me aggravated. She is the way she is, and I know that. So I am just going to only look at the positive things I can do instead of dwelling on the negative shit that happens (I'll still bitch about it here.. but that's what this is for hehe)

That was step 1

I've accepted that life will do what it can to push me down; it always has. Life does not fight fair.. not at all. My only defense is to fight back, and fight back harder. I've done that before too, so I know I can do it. We had a saying in football; When two guys are heading towards each other for the collision, the one going hardest will win.

that was step 2

I got off my ass and did something about it. I have the legs going again and started up this fucking hill again.. I applied to the VA for job training assistance and I also applied for energy assistance with the local human services dept (welfare) just to get the boost up and over my massive electric bill (it's quite humbling, but I NEED the help or I'll never got over that hill)

And.....I have my first request for a quote for a renovation job... and I got that because of my efforts, not from sitting here waiting for it to drop in my lap. I am going to make this new fledgling business not only fly, but I am going to make it soar... I just need to kick it out of the nest because it is ready.

I have a good friend that has been kicking me in the ass for the past 6 months to do SOMETHING..... and I have. The way that I put it was that I let myself get pushed face down into the mud and just laid there and get used as a bridge for everyone else. I'm finally standing up. I'm still in the mud... and its a little tough to see very far because I'm still getting the mud out of my eyes.. but I'm up and moving.

There will be a lot of shit flying onto here. it does make me feel better and yes, there will be shit about the Delores saga and how I feel at that moment.... But I believe in Fate and Fate has her reasons for doing what she does in order to get me to the top of the hill... and the next one

A Brokenhearted Man?

I'm obsessed with this group and their whole album. If you haven't checked out The Script, you should.

Meanwhile, I heard this song and thought of OG. I realized anyone watching his story unfold you must be pulling for him, like I am pulling for the guy who wrote this song.

So... where is she? A B C or D

And where am I?

I guess that is the real question; Where am I?.. I've been all of these places... But I know where I am.
And that's the part that sucks. Because you would think that I would have some control over my own self; by beliefs... as Danielle put it "My Rationalization"... but a soul knows what it knows

The sad part.... for over a year I have tried to find a kind of music I like. I've tried.
It all has memories for some fucked up reason.... maybe I'm just nuts and that is the real answer...or just fucking stupid

I have a feeling that the last two are the true answer..... it's not like I have the best track record or anything

A)




B)



C)



D)

Rejected

I filed my taxes yesterday.... Today I got the "Your Return Has been Rejected" email..

Fucking figures... The same SSN cannot be claimed as a deduction on two different returns regardless of what it's for... Upon further investigation, what that email should have said was:

Mr. OG,
Your tax returns have been rejected because you cannot win. You have filed a return with a legitimate and legal deduction for Day Care expenses that you have paid. What you seem to not understand, is that our archaic laws are designed to make sure that you pay DEARLY for marrying the wrong person.

We fully understand that you have paid over $12, 000 towards your children and that you still have to pay taxes on that and that your Ex does not have to pay taxes on it even though she will spend it as she pleases... Child support is not considered income on her end regardless of it's use. She does however, get to use any and all expenses regarding your children as deductions on her taxes indifferent to how much you have financed.

We also failed to mention that she gets to write off property taxes and mortgage interest paid even though she not only abandoned the property in the PREVIOUS tax year, she also did not contribute a single dime towards any of the loans that she took out. We also made sure that we taxed you on your bank accounts that were locked because of her non payment, and on behalf of the lender, we thank you for paying those loans.. but no, you can't deduct shit... It's what you get for getting married. So HAHAHAHAHA

Spring has Sprung

So Spring has finally snuck itself in. The weather is getting warmer, jackets aren't required anymore, grass is greening, leaves are growing....critters are out running around.

Everything is starting again fresh in the world... I kinda am too.

While I am STILL fucking unemployed, I have a bankruptcy process started. It'll all get wiped out, all the crushing debt... I'll get a fresh start.

I was pet sitting last week and a friend asked me to help get a house ready to go on the market as she didn't have any of the tools or experience fixing house stuff. Contractors and such were asking way to much for what amounted to a few hours of work. Not only did I get paid for it, the realtor happen to show up and liked what I had done.."impressive" was the word used. She asked for my info because she has a bunch of houses coming on that need a lot of work, and I had done better than anyone else they have used before...

So I got an idea......

If I can't find a company to hire me, I'll just start my own and say "FUCK YOU" to all of them.. It's a gamble of course, and I'll have to put in a lot of time and energy, but I have some references now... and a few friends in real estate... I know my abilities and I KNOW I can make it work, I just need a few others to give me a shot to prove it. It'll be slow going at first I'm sure... but I'm going to do it. I also don't really have a choice at this point.

I'm going to work for myself, I am going to build a successful company. I am going to do it from the ground up and I am going to do it on my own (with a little help, of course), but I am GOING TO FUCKING DO IT!!!

I'm going to build my own fresh start... and the really, really nice thing... I actually enjoy doing it.

what the hell????

That fucking Matt Nathansen song is fucking everywhere again..

Seriously...twice in the same god damn store

I hope it's quick

So...... she's on vacation... Plane should land in an hour or two.... same place as last April shortly after everything went down. With just a few differences this time around:

I'm moved in this time and not unpacking
I don't have the kids anymore
I don't have a job to occupy my days

She said I wouldn't hear from her this week... and I believe it too... so much shit has changed. Last time I did get something about once a day. I think I will probably hear something mid week and I'll bet it will be like that last vacation update; I've picked up on that pattern already so it is kind of difficult to say I want her vacation to go slowly... but I do... as far as relaxing vacations go. But I have a feeling it will be anything but.

I hope it goes by fast for me. Shit, I hope a lot of things go by fast for me... and others I want to go slow, but I don't think that is a real option. You can't have both in that situation.

Just another waiting game I need to play.

Who knows, I may have a warehouse job by the end of next week. I had an impromptu interview yesterday that was scheduled on the way to my initial bankruptcy hearing.. He wants to conduct a background check first, which won't be an issue on my end. The money might be. It's an hour drive one way and when he brought up compensation, the number I threw out was about half of what I was making, but enough to cover my bills and fuel expenses... and I got that "are you kidding me" look.. If I get the offer and get low balled... as long as it pays more than I get now, I might just take it and try to trim out even more expenses. At least it's warming up and I don't have to run the heat anymore.... A/C I can live without.

Just like everything else in the world.. time will tell..... who knows.. maybe things are starting to turn around

So I am an enigma

Well, my gut feelings were confirmed on Monday... I wish that was something I could turn off, but it's just one more thing that I'll have to learn to live with I guess... and yes.. each feeling had to do with Delores..

Well one of my friends posted a hilarious status regarding her son and the yard and both of them freaking out crying because of a spider... yes... a spider. What makes it so funny is that after a few minutes, she realized it was a plastic Halloween decoration..... hehe
So me being somewhat of a prankster started a "spider of the day" campaign and I post random spider pictures on her wall. So she called out for anyone who knew my weakness and as soon as I saw that, I knew exactly who was going to come forward and what he would say.... the best part is that he was wrong. My best friend came forward with something that I'm not terrified of, but I just don't like.

So their mission failed.. It was funny seeing all the weird pics that kept popping up on my wall.. They couldn't find it. I don't have any phobia's, there isn't really anything that paralyzes me with fear.. Nothing that I can think of. I can't even recall I time that I have been frozen.
So I get a text asking me what the hell is my weakness.. I said something like " good beer and fine women"....but I did honestly reply with "nothing"..
The response I got was "you are an enigma".. I can't be figured out...
It kept being pushed.. and the exact words were "Everyone has a Kryptonite and we will find it"

No they won't. In order to figure it out, you would need to know how I think, how I behave, what I would do in a given situation and how I would do it.

No... no paralyzing phobias. Yes, I am hard to "get", to figure out.
Yes, I have a weakness, a Kryptonite.. but that is mine, only for me to know

But I guess that is part of what makes me.. well.. me

We will call her Linda

Linda used to be a good friend of mine.. and Ex's... and quite a few other people. We all worked together in a restaurant/bar for crap money when we were in our 20's. That is pretty much when the true life paths are chosen... at that age... that kind of environment can test your decision making ability as well..............

[insertion of quick reflection] Ex and I worked here as a couple already, left when we got "regular" jobs, got married, invited some of these co workers to it, bought our first house and celebrated at this bar, and some of them helped us move.... and countless other stories of the couples and hookups and breakups and failed marriages

Linda got back with her old boyfriend while we all worked there.. she had taken a few cracks at the manager and one of the waiters,,,, and funny enough.. my brother (I will ALWAYS find that amusing... mostly because she has always said he refused to have sex with her...which would be odd.... and I'm sure Delores has some stories about his choices and places... ). But this was the man that she loved......

I would ask her directly how she got the bruises on her arms..."I ran into the wall the other night".... I would ask why her wrist didn't work very well (we worked in a free-pour bar and it was obvious)..." I tripped last night and hurt it"... I pointed it out to EVERYONE that we were friends with.. My direct questioning/hinting wasn't working. And they stepped in as good friends do..... and asked about everything we could see. Remember, this was a friend who wasn't this accident prone before.

one day, I had to ask her "Linda... who punched you in the face and gave you that eye and lip?"
"Oh.. no one. I fell"

"You know.. I'm going to kick the shit out of him. You need to seriously drop him NOW. This shit ain't right...." ...and so on and so on and so on......

Everyone else stepped up to. There was no beating around the bush, we directly confronted her. We knew he was hitting her and said it to her face. She had dozens of offers of places to stay indefinitely.

She quit the next day...because he told her to.....married him a few weeks later.
None of us went to the wedding even though we were invited. She was going to do this, and we wouldn't watch it happen.

Linda popped up on FB a few weeks ago. I send all the recommendations out to the old crew... and we were happy to have her back.. I even told her straight up, in the first conversation, We knew he was hitting you, WTF??....

she said to me "I should have listened and I didn't then, but I need a favor"

4 of us moved her out this weekend to her mom's apartment. She left a lot behind including a stepdaughter that has been like her own for 10 yrs.... 10 yrs she put up with it. What boggles my mind even more is when I asked her what took so long... She told me "I was done 4 yrs ago and it took me this long to do it"....

I can understand some things... I took a lot of verbal crap from a trophy wife because, plain and simply, that's what she was; high maintenance through and through. ridiculously attractive, but had to have her way. I'm out now and all the happier for it..... Delores takes it (these are my thoughts) for the "safety"... no confrontations, not having to explain to anyone why.... not having to go through with it.....hurting someone... She has her reasons. One thing I do know, according to her, there is no physical danger... But she and I did have an interesting discussion about DH and what he has been up to the past few months and the behaviors are strangely similar to those of the "unfaithful"... trust me, I know. I've seen it it from many angles.
But Linda had nothing.. she lived in her in-laws basement... her husband, not exactly a model.. in fact... Jack Black would be a good description of him and she was not permitted computer use without him knowing all passwords and usernames... seriously.. I cant even comprehend that.

Linda got beat up for 10 yrs.. her friends begged her to drop him and even didn't attend the wedding. She married him and continued to get beat up even though her husbands ex wife tried to tell her to go (why can't some just listen to anothers mistakes and not repeat them?) Her In-laws told her to leave him because he was a POS (piece of shit).. That would be his own parents. And it took her 10 years....

Linda now lives in a room smaller than a jail cell with everything that was important to her... but now, she is able to go out, and have a cell phone, and see her friends... She wasted 10 yrs of her life and even more realistically, 4 yrs... because that was when she was done. 4 yrs waiting on "the right time". The right time came when she got fed up on waiting on him hand and foot despite the back and leg injuries that have crippled her. She turned 36 last week and is permanently disabled (not wheelchair bound or anything, but very difficult to employ).

That fucker is so lucky that his parents told him to stay away... because I would have shown him what it's like to have someone stronger throw you around.. I may have even fucked him after beating him to shit, just to prove a point ...

But that would have made me no better than him

Beware the Ides of March

holy shit......

I hope its the time change

I've had this fucked up feeling the past ...well technically, few days now. Its a sinking in your gut. You know, the feeling from a roller coaster drop or when you drive over a hill to fast. It's not constant... but close. and it hits me in waves.
Sat night I got it around 9:00.... I had it again late sun morning and another wave at around 4:45 Sun afternoon. Its the same feeling I get when something big happens to someone close to me.

I emailed Delores to see if she was alright.... I haven't heard a thing... not all weekend... I hope to GOD it's not my kids, but I would have gotten a call about that (I like to think). Ex isn't exactly communicative now that she has moved in with her boyfriend. That is one of the reasons I've decided to grab hold of some bootstraps.

I've let my place go some over the winter months... It's been tough; its cold in here, the power is questionable (only because I need to pay them and keep fending it off), hot water is lacking (and I can't really complain because I owe back rent), I dug some old memories out of boxes which are now strewn all over the kids' room, I've done some repairs and have a couple tools laying around..... So I need to baby proof again.

I've been working on it this weekend...cleaning this place up. Especially after the move I helped with (that one, I will cover in a different post...its a FUCKED up one).
I want to see my kids, I want them to stay over here and spend time with me. I want my son to grow up knowing ME as his dad... his genetic dad...the one that made him and loved him and carried him when he was sick. Not the guy that stepped in (literally) on my boy. Not the guy that got to hold him and bounce him on his knee and look at Ex and say "Well, he was almost mine"....
My little girl loves him to death. I'm sure he's a nice guy and all, but my kids..MY KIDS moved in with him. He has no choice now but to meet me. And he will do that when I pick them up at HIS FUCKING HOUSE AFTER AN UMPTHSFR HOUR DRIVE.... just to turn around to bring them here, and reverse process 24-48 hrs later. I really cant afford the several tanks of gas for this, but I am going to do it. Because I need it. I need to see them and have them here. I need to watch them sleep, and see the things they do. To watch my girl and help her arrange her toys....to see my boy before he is 2 and only thinks of this other man as his his dad. And help him find bugs and sticks and dirt and worms... that is so much fun and I miss them, I miss them so much

I'm also going to have to explain why the dog isn't here anymore. They don't know yet. My girl will probably take it hardest. She has grown up with dogs, and I have always been the one tasked with being the bad guy and having to explain it on the brief visits I get....just shit I need to do I guess... I guess its "the price I have to pay" for marrying the wrong woman.

I am going to try to get my kids this weekend... and because of the timing, I'm going to try to get them this week...and I mean during the week....but I have a feeling that there will be an issue with "the family". but I am still going to try.

I really need to see my babies

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE

check the link to Delores' blog? I clicked it last week and had to force it... someone just check it and tell me if it works or not

back up

my blog is back up by popular request

breakingdelores.blogspot.com

Memory Lane

I took a trip down that road today.. I went back and looked over the stuff I have put up over the past year... Fixed some of the broken links to things. I didnt do any editing or anything like that, but I hadn't looked back on those things for quite some time and there were a whole lot of memories... some good, some not so good.

Some that I had forgotten about, and some that I'm not so sure that I want to remember. But they are there.

I've decided that I am going to keep this up regularly.. At least something once a week ....if not more. It is pretty therapeutic banishing some of the stresses of life out here to cyberspace and dumping them onto others and letting it become their problems....

And God knows that there is just more shit in the pipeline waiting to come flying down on me

the email link works now...... thank you Delores

OK.......

the email link is not working... I will deal with that shit tomorrow

But it is the actual address if you care to test it out

Say it!!!!

All comments are welcome.. I may not like them but believe you me... I have heard a ton of shit in my life that I would have preferred not to hear. I have comments open and unedited for a reason. They are not subject to approval by me.. so just say it.. and this is at the person who wanted to.... twice.

I'm going to set up an email for this. that way, if there is some sort of non public communication that you would like to do, it can happen.

How's about them biscuits?

And yes

She did help me with my resume

FINALLY!!!! Someone with some cojones

This is pretty much directed at Danielle and anyone else who shares those thoughts but was afraid to speak up for some reason. I offer some explanations:

She has occupied my thoughts for nearly 2 decades.....half of my life.. That has never stopped and I have come to the conclusion that it never will. It is just part of my daily existence; just like my knees cracking and popping every morning and giving out occasionally. Just like my shoulder not working like it used to because of the dislocations, like my sinus issues from the countless broken noses and the nightmares that still haunt me from time to time. Those are part of me, just like she is. It all has to be lived with.

My ability to rationalize:... You would have been right about that last year. A lot has changed since then. There was, back then, the euphoria of the reconnection and it could really be better described as obsession. And that obsession was in both directions from both sources. Trust me, we have calmed down quite a bit since then. There used to be hundreds.. HUNDREDS..of emails, texts, IM chats, and FB comments every day. Now, its just a few emails and some days there are none. Trust me, I can rationalize just fine now. The feelings, however, cannot be just turned off.

She has taken over my blog:
NOPE... couldn't be more wrong there. She deleted hers. I was disappointed when she told me because there is now a lot of background information that is lost to any newcomers. She is part of this story and always will be, because she is the reason that this was started. I made her a co author by my own choice... trust me, she was not exactly keen on the idea

OOPS.. READ THIS FIRST

Mar 7 (3 days ago)

OG
to Delores


I just sent you an invitation that I didnt mean to send without checking how it worked first...

I made you an author on mine if you are interested and then realized that I have no clue how you have your profile for blogging set up....
If you are interested, but have a different Gmail that you used for that, I will need that one instead


OG
I don't know why.. but for some reason, it seems like a good idea right now


Mar 8 (3 days ago)
Delores
to OG


OK i'll take a look



Delores
to OG

Mar 8 (3 days ago)

but why do you want me to be a co-author? it totally changes the meaning and purpose of your blog. i would rather be a spectator.


OG
to Delores
I don't know why.. It just seems like not such a bad idea for you to have the option.. It still feels ok,,

Hey, you accepted it :) I can remove you if you would prefer. But NO ADMIN privileges... thats mine. hehehehe



Delores
i posted. i feel like shit, but it was honest.





OG
to Delores


I'll look in a bit. I'm sure that its nothing that I don't already
know or can't handle.

I'm still not sure why I thought it a good idea for you to have that
option, but you obviously don't think it to bad an idea either.

I will only ask the obvious....don't hit me with any crushing blows there.

I will take you off if you ever get uncomfortable with that power, you
just have to ask. And will tell you if I need to do it for my own
reasons

Delores
to OG


Even when being delicate, there's a fine line when dealing with emotions. And in the end, I think I'll be the one who receives the crushing blow, not you.


OG
to Delores


That is a very real possibility.
And it may even come from me; time will tell

I don't know if its an irony or not, but you and I now have one more
thing in common in this fucked up triangle...which is probably more of
a hexagon..I would need to sit down and ponder it if I really cared
about the geometric shape

Delores
to OG


you could always go after his wife? you may even know her, she went to [rival high school]. [her name].

OG
to Delores


She worked at [place I used to work long ago] and drove a white Mustang...... and it's worse than that.. she was [name on list] back then. (if it's the one that I know). Blond.... not very bright?

I'm filling the gap in my resume. would you be willing to give it a once over?


OG
to Delores

I cant believe that we actually just said that to each other.. that was weird


Delores
to OG


I will take a look. not sure about the mustang or the blond hair, but she is very smart. she's an attorney with a JD from [prestigious law school].


OG
to Delores

phew... not her. the one I know is dumber than a post

We actually had that conversation two days ago.
As far as the physical appearance of my blog... that is my doing and it is a work in progress. It was kind of boring so I decided to add some color, and I am still working on some graphics as well.

Life After Heaven and Breaking Delores

There are some explanations to these chosen url's that you all may not know about.

I can easily explain mine, Life After Heaven...... Breaking Delores however, requires some insight into a lovely young woman.

I have never asked her about this and I wont. She has the full capability now of not only commenting to this, but also posting her own rebuttal, or even asking me to remove it completely (which I would if she asked)

It's easier to start with the beginning.
January of 2009, Delores started a blog url'd "The Road to Divorce".... The big D word.
And she lit that thing up with posts. there were some that I liked reading over and over again; it was nice (not always) seeing what she thought of me in print. I saved a lot of them and still have them to this day. But one day.. it was gone. Almost immediately after I looked, I got an email from her saying that I was reading it to much. That was why she changed it.. I still remember where I was when I read that. I let it go for a few days and then admitted to her that all that it was, was that I had favorite parts that I liked to look at... She understood that and sent me the new one...Breaking Delores...the Big D word and 62 days of Heaven.

Now I know that those of you that have seen it are saying "no... it's 73 days of heaven". You are correct.. except that it was changed... 62 days was when she started the original blog.. we took a "break" and thought it was over... then another at 73 days... "The Bust" happened at 120. Believe me... heaven does not describe it.. and oddly enough, the saga continues... approx 490 days later (plus or minus a day or two, I didn't actually count this time)

I actually think that was a more appropriate one... Breaking Delores. Because that was truly what it was about, her breaking..... Breaking down, breaking away from DH, breaking away from me, breaking down to her core and coming to the realization of what she wants her life to be. Breaking out of the shell she has always lived in, breaking her out. I stopped reading it shortly after because the whole purpose was to help her sort her own shit out; me included. I always knew that eventually there would be things I didn't want to know about there. She even warned me that there might be; we had gone through a few "lets not communicate" periods during this time.. they didn't last long, it was way to hard... still is. But that was how Breaking Delores was born...

On March 4, all hell broke loose. a question was asked, a confession was made, I received a phone call from an appropriately pissed off husband... I was scared shitless for her. I went days not hearing from her and I was terrified. her FB went away (we were friends up until then) and I was blind. I freaked out because all I wanted to know was that she was OK. But I did hear from her after a day or two.. all this shit went down while I was in the process of moving.

Then.... then I got an email that simply said "I wish I had a blog to read over and over again" OG's Story was birthed right there.

I set it up (mind you, I'm not a writer by any means and have never done this before) and had to select a unique url for it.. and I racked my brain for an appropriate one.. lifeafterheaven was available (not anymore). I thought it was.. life after the heaven I had known. This was to be my story, and it still is. It still really is Life After Heaven... that heaven being Delores. She is still around and she is still an integral part of me and there is still a lot that can happen in that arena, but this will always be life after heaven.
Because heaven ended the day I got that phone call

I need to get Skype

No.. I don't have it, yet.

I saw Delores tonight.. Not in person (but almost), but I saw her.
We video chatted on GChat, which sucked ass and kept locking up but I have only done a vid chat 3 times... with one person. Once with Yahoo at my old house and no audio, and twice here using Google.

I hadn't seen her since august of last year and she looked GOOD.. DAMN GOOD :)

The rest of the story is mine... mine to keep in a nice little memory box all to my self

one more thing (from delores)

i don't believe it's possible for a man to be in love, deeply truly in love, forever. only in the movies and, in fact, only in one particular movie - the English Patient

i feel like i just evaporated into thin air

Heart

so... OG gave me (Delores) access to write on his blog. I'm not sure i should ever write here. the reason i deleted my blog the other day is because it's public. nothing i wrote on that blog was anything i couldn't tell to OG's face. but now i have some things that are going on in my head about the other other guy, the one currently deployed, that might hurt OG's feelings. simply writing that much is difficult, knowing that even this post may hurt him. i don't want to do that. i exchanged raw emotional honesty with OG. i accepted his love and, for a while, i returned it. i also, lest we forget, accepted an important apology for some stuff that caused me deep long-lasting pain. and i forgave him.

but my heart is mostly somewhere else. there is still an element of "what if" in me with regards to OG, i admit that. but i've taken my heart that i wrapped up neatly in a gift box, and handed it over to someone else. someone who (we'll see) might not feel its weight. i am not asking anyone to watch me get run over by a train. i'm just asking that those who care about me, including OG, respect my decision to follow my heart's desire. and when i'm face down in the mud, just give me some time before you say, "i told you so."

don't forget that my heart has a hole in it. atrial septal defect that can allow a clot to bypass my lungs and go straight to my brain at any moment. i found out today that i am not a candidate for surgery to fix it.

There is nothing wrong with OG or the way that he loves me. he is so many wonderful things. i am just drawn more now to someone who shares a very specific - life changing - experience with me.

in the end, i only really have my son anyway. my son behind one chamber door, and my vibrators behind another.

Yup.....

her blog is gone. I just checked it
I'm going to keep the link up for a little bit... as a tribute to all those things gone that now only live in her mind.

She said there was nothing there that she wouldn't tell me, but that's the problem..there was over a years worth there and she writes a hell of a lot better than I do...

I'm not going to ask, because I really don't want to know... At least I can still ask her if I need to.......
And that means more to me than I think anyone will ever know because at this time last year, I thought she was gone for ever

WTF PEOPLE????????

2 ??? .... Friggin 2 opinions???
90 + visitors this weekend from all over the world and only 2 of you had anything to say about this.
You guys suck.

Doesn't matter so much anymore. It's become a one sided story. Delores told me that she took her blog down. At some point, I need to check the link before I remove it, but I've become so conditioned to not look, that it might be a little difficult to look. Even if it's there or not.

How do I know how many people have looked? I have a tracker embedded. Really for curiosity reasons. Now... it doesnt pinpoint anything. It just gives you a number of hits and a general location like a major city or internet node of where the hits come from.

I was going to post a "secret", but I told her already today when she said that hers was deleted, so I will just segue into this here....
I don't know when, if, or how many times Delores reads this. Sure, the information is there, but I have had readers from her area for quite some time now and all it takes is for your ISP to change nodes for a few days and things get reset. I do know she has read it recently because she asked me about my list of conquests.

No, I am not proud of it, but I am a king among meatheaded womanizers because I can recall that many names off the top of my head... They've even bought me drinks for it. And its that exact thing that got me here, in this situation...

Back to the issue at hand: WTF??? 2 damn opinions from all this:

Poll closes at midnight St Patricks Day
The anniversary of my discharge from the United States Marine Corps

popular opinion

well...
Danielle says to fold

Any one else have any thoughts?

I think I'm going to put up a poll. Now that doesn't mean that I'm going to have any decisions made for me, but I am curious what all of you think about this mess.

I will tell you one thing that I WON'T do. I won't just walk away... I've searched my soul and have come to the conclusion that I want her in my life in some kind of capacity. Believe me, I've had a long time to think about that one.
It may seem masochistic, and it probably is in some ways..... and I may seem like an idiot to some of you but I am perfectly aware of the risk/reward involved.

I will have her rip my heart to shreds, stomp on me, spit in my face and walk away before I lose my soul again to "what if".... a shattered heart will heal. a lifetime of regret will not

Poker simulates life

I play a lot of poker on Facebook.. Zynga... Texas Hold 'em... If you've never done it, you should try.

I play quite a bit and I'm pretty damn good at it. If you play, and participate in the shootout tournaments, chances are that you have squared off against me and didn't even know that you were in a chat convo with me...hahaha

But back to the point.... there are times when its down to just two of us and it's pretty even... my opponent goes all in and on the table is 10 J Q all spades. I'm holding 9 spade and K heart..

I have the K straight. The turn and the river are still to come. I still have a good chance of pulling off the flush...unless he is holding the A of spades and even worse, the A K of spades... that is instant death. He could also just have 2 pair or even trips...possibly the same straight that I have.. he's been betting heavy on 2 pair all game.

Do I call and end the game one way or the other.... or fold it. My chances are pretty good, but they could also be pretty bad depending on what the other guy is holding....

Call or fold.......call or fold

and yes, this is a screwed up metaphor for my situation

Maybe not

Maybe it's not Checkmate

I'm going to stare at this board a while and make sure

He's gone

Didn't find him... I think he's gone for good.

I'm kinda glad I didn't because in all honesty, I didn't like him and neither did anyone else.

I guess I need to go on being me. I'm not such a bad guy and people like me the way I am....

Life goes on

Checkmate

Endgame
It's over

I waited until this time and this moment (even though it really is at around noon) to post this. I stayed up just for this.

She made her choice and it wasn't me. Nothing I can do about it.

Welcome to 1 year ago today that I was called by DH and told to be patient.... little did either of us know that her heart actually lay somewhere else and we were just pawns in a game. I got played.....very well to. I deserved it....reciprocity is a bitch sometimes, but she got me back... and got me back well. Plotted the stayover, and the clandestine meetings, winning my kids over with a simple smile and making them ask about her. It's not going to be pleasant delivering that news to my little girl...but at least I prepped her the past year with "we never know..." I'll make it an official " No, we won't" if I get to see them and it comes up

She fed me lines about dreaming, and fantasizing, and wanting and hoping.... and making me believe that all this time it was about me when it wasn't.
Over a year she strung me along in her game and dealt the final blow..." hahahaha FUCK YOU.... YOU HEAR ME?.?.?.? FUCK YOU, YOU PATSY!!!!!!! Now I can be with the one I want because all the paranoid attention is focused on you... how does it feel dumbass?? You REALLY believed I gave a shit about you?? How stupid are you? You fell for it and now I can pretty much do what I want as long as it doesnt have your name attached....stupid, jobless shithead that thought I cared about feelings....."

I wish I could believe all that... that would make it easier. But plain and simply, she doesnt want me because I am who I am, even though she lied to my face about loving me all this time.... now, now I'm just "confused"... her words....and I am confused.

I do know one thing...... I will start living now... and living the way a single and recently unattached man should

I have a year of living to make up for...... come on dude, where are you???? Not in this one... maybe the next one

I put it here instead of emailing it



Familiar words......

Now I get to just watch and then pick up the pieces AGAIN and then set you on your way so you can show up in 15 yrs and do it all over again
and again
and again
and again

you got me.... you got your payback..... isn't that enough?

You are such an asshole

I used to hear that a lot.
In high school, when I was on active duty, as a bartender early on....
I was and I deserved to be called much worse. And there is only one thing I can say to:
( in no particular order)

Alicia, Amber, Allison, Amy, Sylvia, Jess, Stephanie, Heather, Elizabeth, Chrissy, Alesha, Korinne, Alexa, Chay, Renee, Becky, Leslie, Renee (yes 2), Jeanine, Rachael, Sarah, Lauren, Tiffany, Erin, Kate, Leeanne, Dor, Ruth, Christine, Jen, Jessica, Jen, Brenda, Katie, Brenda (yup), Brandi, Irena, Kat, Kathy, Jen, Andrea, Susan, Shay, Kelly, Kerry, Jen (holy shit.. lotsa Jens) Heather, Robin, Michelle, Jackie, Therese, Cheryl, Liz, Kathy and her friend, my friend's mom (yes, i actually did do that),the Israeli chick (that was AWESOME), the stripper in Alabama and the 2 Army chicks on that base, whatsurname in Temecula and you from the bar in Oceanside, the one from Coyotes in Carlsbad and all the ones from the basement bar I used to work at and pretty much the entire female population of Riverside, CA.... If I sat here and thought about it, I would come up with the rest, but you all know who you are.....
I'm sorry for being an asshole. I realize now how many bridges I have burned because I really liked some of you but I also know that the time has passed and I can only savor the fond memories of the ghosts of the past. It's time to move forward with what I have learned.

What have I learned??? I was much better off as an asshole.
Think about it... have you ever met a successful person that wasn't? I haven't.
I killed that guy long ago and now I regret it something fierce. Maybe he's not dead, maybe he's just sitting there in hibernation waiting to come out. I hope so because I need him now, and I think I know where he is..........
He's somewhere in this case of beer and I'm gonna find him. When I do, I will make sure that he knows how much he meant to me back then, how much I miss him, and what a great team we made before and will make moving on...

I can't wait to wake up with him and shave his face

a year in the making

Yup... just a year. A year to the day

Tomorrow is the anniversary of "The Bust"... today its been 365 days.

Kinda fitting, don't you think?

A lot of shit to update

It's been so long that I had to go back and read what I had last put up.. Holy Fuck!!!! its been a long time and I wish that I had a better story to put down.

It looks like my last post was the very beginning of Dec. Almost 2 full months. Shit has really turned on me; I really do hope that it's the test of my fortitude because this is really starting to suck big time.

I still don't have a job.

Shortly before Christmas, I had to put my dog down. Her health was failing and I knew it was just a matter of time, but it was an emergency decision that did it. I woke up one morning and her entire face was swollen up...and I mean BAD. She looked like Rocky after his first fight with Apollo Creed. Eyes were completely closed, blood was everywhere coming from her nose, and this putrid smell of death was everywhere. I've smelled it before and that is how I knew what I had to do. She was still very conscious but scared...not panicky, but scared. Shit, she couldn't see. So I had to carry her down the stairs so she could go out and luckily it was a nice, bright sunny morning. I set her down in the sun so she could have the light and the heat and basically be outside one last time... all while I made the calls to find the emergency vet that was open on a weekend.
She was 110 lbs when I picked her up from the vet in 2001 the day she got fixed. She was 55 lbs on this last vet visit in Dec. The doc told me I made the right decision. I gave away her leash later on that month when I was house sitting. It took me a month to pick up and put away the food and water bowls.
Her collar is still in my truck

I got a chance to earn a few bucks house sitting for 4 days. That turned into 10 because of flight delays. So I did make more and got to use free utilities and had hot water (long story), but the time pushed into the holidays and Ex wasn't returning any calls about when I would get to see the kids.
I guess a hot shower was nice.
[my hot water heater only "warms" the water in the winter time. I've mentioned it to the landlord, but I cant complain too much because I am behind with him, but he really is cool about it. and by warm, I mean that its not freezing]

I got to see my kids in January to give them their Christmas presents; I hadn't seen them since October. That 1 1/2 hour visit was spent at a local mall near Ex's place because "YOU HAD BETTER HAVE THEM BACK HERE BY 1:00"... cant do much with a 2 hr drive like that but we walked around and went to the Disney store. They have gotten so big. One funny thing that my little girl asked me was if we were going to the place with the playground....she always asks me that. I had to tell her that we couldn't this day, but next time they stayed over we would. She asked me to invite P.... Delores' boy. I had to tell her that we probably wouldn't see him for a long, long, time. That is when my 5 yr old dropped this bomb on me.." That's ok.. we're moving far anyway. We are going to move in with....[I need to give him a name... can't come up with one right now] Ex's boyfriend"..
WHAT THE FUCK???????


Ex moved out of the state at the beginning this month. She tried to offer a reason why when I dropped the kids off. I didn't care about "WHY"; in fact, I thought he was moving into her place several months ago... I even suggested it when she said she couldn't afford her rent. She thought I was upset about a "why".. I was upset because she was now taking my kids an additional 3 hrs away and didn't even tell me. I don't give a shit WHY.... I know why... but, like everything else that was wrong with us, my feelings don't matter. She wants her money..... that I know.

I have one last grasp at a job before I have to resort to the inevitable "work at the job mom hooked you up with and drive 50 miles one way for minimum wage and be right were you are now but at least be employed and have to listen to her bug the living shit outta you even more that moving into her 5x7 spare room is way better than your own place or even a cardboard box"
I will eat a gun before I move in with my mother..
And I might even join the Army (ohgoddidijustsaythat) I got a personal email from a prior service recruiter that needs my skill set....still mulling that one over. It was a decently lucrative offer.

I have not laid eyes on Delores since August... and that last visit... was not exactly the ideal. Something was wrong, and it's been covered...but I still haven't seen her. We still email daily with maybe one or two 24 hr periods that had a gap. And I really haven't heard much from her since Dec/Jan but I think I know why. Outside of normal obligations, her first OG deployed to a war zone and I know that is doing a number on her.
I'm not saying that I have been tossed aside, but when he left, I stopped hearing from her the way she used to... the tone, the wording, the signatures.......the feelings I get from her......all that changed.
I know there is nothing I can do and there really isn't; I tried for decades to shake her. she wont ever go away and I think I can live with that for some reason; just a missing piece of the soul....

If any of you follow her blog, pass on a message for me that I cant seem to be able to tell her myself (possibly from the extended unemployment and disgustingly humbling things that I have had to do and sell in order to keep going)

I miss you tremendously. Not many minutes go by that a thought of you permeates me. I can still feel you when you think about me and I can feel it when you shut it off. I still dream sometimes of that small, simple house on the lake, and cant help but think of that possibility whenever I pass one.. and I pass one almost daily. You really are a piece of me; that is something that cannot change. I wish that I was in a better position to be like I was, and by that I mean not where I am now. I think that I know what you want and I even promised it to you on a Thanksgiving day.. 2 yrs ago. That is still all that I can promise.......but I don't think that you want it from me anymore