I forgot something that is near and dear to my heart... Well, I didn't forget... I just forgot to post it here.
Happy Birthday USMC (Nov 10)
Thank You, all... and a "you're welcome" to those that said it to me (Veterans day, Nov 11)
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
How Bad Do I want It?
That has a double meaning to it... if you take in the Delores factor and all....
I just started the steps to become a Cop. I have a test for another department this weekend.
I want the one I just came from based soley on the basis of training and benefits. I have a very small chance of being selected out of the thousands that I am up against. The Marine Corps is all that i have to sway it in my favor as far as selection. I will ace the physical, I will ace the written... If I get put through to poly, I will ace that because I was honest tonight... honesty could be my downfall.
I've always wanted to do this, but was told "no, its to dangerous".. she has no say anymore. I want to do this
They came out just like I expected, screaming and hollering and spitting as they talked.... just like the first day at bootcamp.... but they layed off after the presentation started.
It was a pre application orientation that was mandatory.. Two left
It amazed me that so many people could not follow simple instructions on what to bring or how to dress. It turned out that I was not only 1 of 7 military, I was 1 of 3 Marines..... there were 40 people.... I had a brief conversation with one person who was about to walk out because they said "if the academy is 6 months of worse than that... goodbye"...
I tried to explain that it was a bunch of people doing their job and weeding out the ones that couldn't handle the stress, but then realized... if they couldnt handle the intro, they would never survive the training...much less the job.
I want it. I want it bad. I need to beat odds like I've never beaten before. I've beaten similar, and I need to write similar reports and explanations... but you have to want this to get it....
But no communications are allowed mon-fri....only Sat and Sun when you are home.
I wouldnt have a home, I would have to get rid of everything including this place because why pay a half year rent on a place you don't live in.... Oh well.
I wonder if I would loose Delores in the 6 months I was gone
Now how bad do I want it?
I just started the steps to become a Cop. I have a test for another department this weekend.
I want the one I just came from based soley on the basis of training and benefits. I have a very small chance of being selected out of the thousands that I am up against. The Marine Corps is all that i have to sway it in my favor as far as selection. I will ace the physical, I will ace the written... If I get put through to poly, I will ace that because I was honest tonight... honesty could be my downfall.
I've always wanted to do this, but was told "no, its to dangerous".. she has no say anymore. I want to do this
They came out just like I expected, screaming and hollering and spitting as they talked.... just like the first day at bootcamp.... but they layed off after the presentation started.
It was a pre application orientation that was mandatory.. Two left
It amazed me that so many people could not follow simple instructions on what to bring or how to dress. It turned out that I was not only 1 of 7 military, I was 1 of 3 Marines..... there were 40 people.... I had a brief conversation with one person who was about to walk out because they said "if the academy is 6 months of worse than that... goodbye"...
I tried to explain that it was a bunch of people doing their job and weeding out the ones that couldn't handle the stress, but then realized... if they couldnt handle the intro, they would never survive the training...much less the job.
I want it. I want it bad. I need to beat odds like I've never beaten before. I've beaten similar, and I need to write similar reports and explanations... but you have to want this to get it....
But no communications are allowed mon-fri....only Sat and Sun when you are home.
I wouldnt have a home, I would have to get rid of everything including this place because why pay a half year rent on a place you don't live in.... Oh well.
I wonder if I would loose Delores in the 6 months I was gone
Now how bad do I want it?
Saturday, November 21, 2009
My Dad
My father died unexpectedly nearly 3 years ago.
He lived in a two bedroom apartment with his old, sick black dog.
He moved there after losing his house and shortly after moving, he lost his job.
He drove a BMW and a Ford truck.
He had kids that he didn't see very much.
He had to declare bankruptcy and lost a lot of things he valued.
His ex wife was a vindictive cunt.
He sequestered himself and started to lose social skills.
There are way to many parallels.
In fact, I have THE car and a truck that is almost the same color. Old, sick black dog, the apartment, the job, the bankruptcy, the ex, the kids. We look almost like twins. The list is endless as far as similarities go.
I've been getting more and more self destructive the past few months. I guess I have been subconsciously trying to make this happen to me as well.
The only real differences between he and I are our ages and that I am the only Marine in the entire family. I am breaking out of this today.
I am calling on those skills and embarking on a complete career change. I need to get in much better shape to take the tests which start in a few weeks. Getting myself set up today, and I start my own personal bootcamp tomorrow.
I'm applying to the police department
He lived in a two bedroom apartment with his old, sick black dog.
He moved there after losing his house and shortly after moving, he lost his job.
He drove a BMW and a Ford truck.
He had kids that he didn't see very much.
He had to declare bankruptcy and lost a lot of things he valued.
His ex wife was a vindictive cunt.
He sequestered himself and started to lose social skills.
There are way to many parallels.
In fact, I have THE car and a truck that is almost the same color. Old, sick black dog, the apartment, the job, the bankruptcy, the ex, the kids. We look almost like twins. The list is endless as far as similarities go.
I've been getting more and more self destructive the past few months. I guess I have been subconsciously trying to make this happen to me as well.
The only real differences between he and I are our ages and that I am the only Marine in the entire family. I am breaking out of this today.
I am calling on those skills and embarking on a complete career change. I need to get in much better shape to take the tests which start in a few weeks. Getting myself set up today, and I start my own personal bootcamp tomorrow.
I'm applying to the police department
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Desperation
I found a temporary solution.
I'm going to sell off my stocks and cash in my 401k and IRA... that'll give me enough cash to fend off the creditors and keep a roof over my head for a few months.
Then, I'll have to work two or three jobs to get it recharged back to where I was, but it sure as hell beats the street in the winter and giving up the dog to a certain death at the pound.
Ex will take most of it to fund her traveling and hobbies, but at least I'll have a little more time if some of these people will just listen to the desperate situation. Its amazing how many people really only care about money in the short term instead of working with someone for the long term.
At least I don't have to prostitute myself, which I almost ended up doing last week.
And I think its time Delores and I have a serious talk... I think that she left me some time ago, in her heart. It is kind of obvious. I've just recently been able to see it all in the big picture. Not that she doesn't care, but I think any future interest is gone... Its a natural reaction. I cant provide therefore I am not a suitable mate.
I just wish it could have lasted the entire year; 365 days, but she left a few months ago.
I'm going to sell off my stocks and cash in my 401k and IRA... that'll give me enough cash to fend off the creditors and keep a roof over my head for a few months.
Then, I'll have to work two or three jobs to get it recharged back to where I was, but it sure as hell beats the street in the winter and giving up the dog to a certain death at the pound.
Ex will take most of it to fund her traveling and hobbies, but at least I'll have a little more time if some of these people will just listen to the desperate situation. Its amazing how many people really only care about money in the short term instead of working with someone for the long term.
At least I don't have to prostitute myself, which I almost ended up doing last week.
And I think its time Delores and I have a serious talk... I think that she left me some time ago, in her heart. It is kind of obvious. I've just recently been able to see it all in the big picture. Not that she doesn't care, but I think any future interest is gone... Its a natural reaction. I cant provide therefore I am not a suitable mate.
I just wish it could have lasted the entire year; 365 days, but she left a few months ago.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A Girlfriend For Daddy
I have been divorced for almost a year... Ex moved out a year ago somewhere around today.
I've been on my own for a year.
I had the kids this weekend and I asked my oldest (who is almost 5) if it was ok if I got a girlfriend.
Just wanted to see how she would handle the subject because I expected some resistance... she still asks for me and mommy to live together again sometimes. I keep explaining that mommy and daddy don't get along and cant speak nice to each other, that's why we can't live together.
I did not expect "you have a girlfriend"
"No B (this is what I will call her), I don't"
"Yes you do, Delores is your girlfriend"
Delores and I were very, VERY careful when we interacted with the kids, that they saw us as nothing more than just friends. No touching inappropriately, no kissing, nothing to let them believe that this was anything more than a playdate.... and most times, that's what it really was. And B has not seen Delores in months
"B, Delores is my friend and you know that, just like Unkie M and Unkie P and Aunt A and Aunt M"
"No, Delores is your girlfriend, I like her."
"Well if I got a girlfriend, would you like her?"
"no, I like delores. She's nice. I like playing with P too (her son)"
Seriously.... I wish I could make this up. I can convince this child what she likes to do for fun. She WOULD NOT BEND on this. Delores was my girlfriend. So I tried the ol' "yes she is a girl, and she is my friend"
Nope...." Ms. J is your friend and she's a girl. Delores is your girlfriend"
Delores is my girlfriend.... Delores even said so on many occasions
I like that thought, but where did a not quite 5 yr old get this from?
I think back to the first time they ever met. Last Dec. My girl grabbed her hand and dragged her in the door begging for a story (this is an entire story in itself)..
My shy little girl grabbed her and talked NONSTOP
The young and innocent know.. they just know somehow
B still will barely speak to her hero, a person that owns a restaurant down the street and she has known him her entire life...You'll be lucky to get three words from her.
Delores won her over with a simple smile and a "Hi"
just one of the umpteen bajillion signs that come at me.
"No, delores is your girlfriend"
I've been on my own for a year.
I had the kids this weekend and I asked my oldest (who is almost 5) if it was ok if I got a girlfriend.
Just wanted to see how she would handle the subject because I expected some resistance... she still asks for me and mommy to live together again sometimes. I keep explaining that mommy and daddy don't get along and cant speak nice to each other, that's why we can't live together.
I did not expect "you have a girlfriend"
"No B (this is what I will call her), I don't"
"Yes you do, Delores is your girlfriend"
Delores and I were very, VERY careful when we interacted with the kids, that they saw us as nothing more than just friends. No touching inappropriately, no kissing, nothing to let them believe that this was anything more than a playdate.... and most times, that's what it really was. And B has not seen Delores in months
"B, Delores is my friend and you know that, just like Unkie M and Unkie P and Aunt A and Aunt M"
"No, Delores is your girlfriend, I like her."
"Well if I got a girlfriend, would you like her?"
"no, I like delores. She's nice. I like playing with P too (her son)"
Seriously.... I wish I could make this up. I can convince this child what she likes to do for fun. She WOULD NOT BEND on this. Delores was my girlfriend. So I tried the ol' "yes she is a girl, and she is my friend"
Nope...." Ms. J is your friend and she's a girl. Delores is your girlfriend"
Delores is my girlfriend.... Delores even said so on many occasions
I like that thought, but where did a not quite 5 yr old get this from?
I think back to the first time they ever met. Last Dec. My girl grabbed her hand and dragged her in the door begging for a story (this is an entire story in itself)..
My shy little girl grabbed her and talked NONSTOP
The young and innocent know.. they just know somehow
B still will barely speak to her hero, a person that owns a restaurant down the street and she has known him her entire life...You'll be lucky to get three words from her.
Delores won her over with a simple smile and a "Hi"
just one of the umpteen bajillion signs that come at me.
"No, delores is your girlfriend"
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Full Moon
Its a full moon again... figures..
But she is going to be ok. Delores is going to be ok.... and that is what I cared about the most.
Funny how priorities change when the stakes are in front of you. You figure out what it is that is most important.
I know that feeling all to well.
It doesnt make me want her any less, but it was more important to me for her to be healthy and have the true, happy life that I want for her.
I'm a little curious how and where hers changed, but I have a feeling that I already know..
Lets get these guys ready for bed so I can have a few minutes to decompress, its been an extra long day
But she is going to be ok. Delores is going to be ok.... and that is what I cared about the most.
Funny how priorities change when the stakes are in front of you. You figure out what it is that is most important.
I know that feeling all to well.
It doesnt make me want her any less, but it was more important to me for her to be healthy and have the true, happy life that I want for her.
I'm a little curious how and where hers changed, but I have a feeling that I already know..
Lets get these guys ready for bed so I can have a few minutes to decompress, its been an extra long day
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
God, Country, Corps
I have no idea how to leave someone who needs help.
I don't understand running from danger, I've always ran to it.
I don't comprehend picking on the weak and defenseless.... I fought for them
And I don't know how to quit. Even when I want to, when I'm at my darkest, some glimmer of hope shines in and completely renews my strength. And it always comes from the least likely place. And sometimes, it comes from me.
I don't understand running from danger, I've always ran to it.
I don't comprehend picking on the weak and defenseless.... I fought for them
And I don't know how to quit. Even when I want to, when I'm at my darkest, some glimmer of hope shines in and completely renews my strength. And it always comes from the least likely place. And sometimes, it comes from me.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Yesterday, today, and tomorrow
I really had thought yesterday was going to be celebrated much differently. Much differently. Especially months and months ago.
Today, something kinda good happened but that needs to wait till tomorrow to see.
And tomorrow, I am terrified. Completely terrified. Something is wrong with Delores and I am scared about what it is.
I want to help and I have, but I want to be the one to always help and that, that still has a wait involved.
Today, something kinda good happened but that needs to wait till tomorrow to see.
And tomorrow, I am terrified. Completely terrified. Something is wrong with Delores and I am scared about what it is.
I want to help and I have, but I want to be the one to always help and that, that still has a wait involved.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I dont know
I really don't know what i would do if it is over.
I don't like the thought of her not in my life again. She was gone for so long and I couldn't forget then, I know for a fact that I can't ever forget now.
And the memories are all around me so even that attempt would be futile.
I don't think it is over, at least I hope. I keep hearing my friend's voice in my head over and over again. What he said to me when this first started
"Be patient.... stay calm and be patient"
Maybe it is some space she needs to sort it out still. We talked about it several times before. Distancing some. I was prepared to step back if she did move out, to let her experience the world as a single woman because it is pretty much necessary if there was going to be any hope for a future together.
I don't know where I stand for the first time in all this. I keep waffling back and forth about asking, and then I realize I don't want to know. If there were no feelings anymore, I'm sure she would tell me, so I don't think that's it. I don't know if I'm going to make it through this mess I'm in and I wonder sometimes if that could be it; that I'm not the great catch that I was before because I have been getting down and negative recently, when I was positive person even through some rough times.
I just don't know any more.
I do know that I think about her a lot and still hope
I know that she still thinks about me.
I know that we have been through a lot of shit the past several months
I know that I want her to be happy.
I know that the signs keep coming for me to hold out hope
I know that I am scared shitless at the thought of losing her again
I don't like the thought of her not in my life again. She was gone for so long and I couldn't forget then, I know for a fact that I can't ever forget now.
And the memories are all around me so even that attempt would be futile.
I don't think it is over, at least I hope. I keep hearing my friend's voice in my head over and over again. What he said to me when this first started
"Be patient.... stay calm and be patient"
Maybe it is some space she needs to sort it out still. We talked about it several times before. Distancing some. I was prepared to step back if she did move out, to let her experience the world as a single woman because it is pretty much necessary if there was going to be any hope for a future together.
I don't know where I stand for the first time in all this. I keep waffling back and forth about asking, and then I realize I don't want to know. If there were no feelings anymore, I'm sure she would tell me, so I don't think that's it. I don't know if I'm going to make it through this mess I'm in and I wonder sometimes if that could be it; that I'm not the great catch that I was before because I have been getting down and negative recently, when I was positive person even through some rough times.
I just don't know any more.
I do know that I think about her a lot and still hope
I know that she still thinks about me.
I know that we have been through a lot of shit the past several months
I know that I want her to be happy.
I know that the signs keep coming for me to hold out hope
I know that I am scared shitless at the thought of losing her again
The thought that hurts the most
I have several ideas about what is going on. Several..
They all keep coming to me at different times and each is supported with plenty of evidence and quite a bit of intuition.
There is one that frightens me the most, and I have asked this directly before.
But I need to try and banish it now so here it is:
The thrill is over for her. We got busted back in March. Not long after, is when things started to change.
I did, I asked if that was the reason. That the thrill of running around was over because it was out in the open.
It was no longer exciting to be with me because there was not as much "Danger" in getting caught.
It scares the shit out of me because that would mean I was flat out lied to and have been lied to this entire time, and that all these feelings that I thought were there actually weren't.
that is the one that scares me.
There are several more ideas and theories about why she is treating me the way she is and I hope that it is one of these others. I really, really hope that is the case, and that I haven't been clinging to a lie for nearly a year.
A couple weeks ago, she asked me not to say goodbye, so I don't think that there is a complete loss of feelings and that there is still the same small hope that has been there.
If this one is the case, that there really are no feelings at all, that all I was was a thrill ride, she needs to tell me that it is over. That there is no hope whatsoever.
If she is testing her true feelings for me, needing space to still sort things out, getting adjusted to working again, and a few other thoughts.... that I can live with. That I can do
There is one thing that I am kind of sure of but not ready to know yet; she has another someone on the side
They all keep coming to me at different times and each is supported with plenty of evidence and quite a bit of intuition.
There is one that frightens me the most, and I have asked this directly before.
But I need to try and banish it now so here it is:
The thrill is over for her. We got busted back in March. Not long after, is when things started to change.
I did, I asked if that was the reason. That the thrill of running around was over because it was out in the open.
It was no longer exciting to be with me because there was not as much "Danger" in getting caught.
It scares the shit out of me because that would mean I was flat out lied to and have been lied to this entire time, and that all these feelings that I thought were there actually weren't.
that is the one that scares me.
There are several more ideas and theories about why she is treating me the way she is and I hope that it is one of these others. I really, really hope that is the case, and that I haven't been clinging to a lie for nearly a year.
A couple weeks ago, she asked me not to say goodbye, so I don't think that there is a complete loss of feelings and that there is still the same small hope that has been there.
If this one is the case, that there really are no feelings at all, that all I was was a thrill ride, she needs to tell me that it is over. That there is no hope whatsoever.
If she is testing her true feelings for me, needing space to still sort things out, getting adjusted to working again, and a few other thoughts.... that I can live with. That I can do
There is one thing that I am kind of sure of but not ready to know yet; she has another someone on the side
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Lottery
Has anyone ever asked you what you would do if you won the Lottery? Of course someone has, or you have thought about it.
My answer, out loud and to myself has always been "I don't know"
I really didn't know until a few minutes ago.
If I won the lottery and didn't have to worry about money anymore, I would go to school.
Thats been the biggest hindrance in my life; no degree. No one cares about the 8 years of service to the nation
My answer, out loud and to myself has always been "I don't know"
I really didn't know until a few minutes ago.
If I won the lottery and didn't have to worry about money anymore, I would go to school.
Thats been the biggest hindrance in my life; no degree. No one cares about the 8 years of service to the nation
Friday, September 11, 2009
And so it begins
My little girl has her first organized sporting event tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m.
Soccer.
I knew that the time was a possibility and the only drawback is that I need to leave at 7:00 for the 2 hr drive to go watch it and my weekends will be cut short by a day for the next few months.
Ex and I discussed it when she expressed an interest, so the rule is that she needs to finish the season if she doesnt like it. Thats all. Don't have to play next year, just finish out the 6 weekends.
It just makes more sense that I miss a day on 3 visits because of that drive. The kids will come back with me on my saturdays, but i'm not going to tell her "No, that's daddy's day". I miss a few overnights, if she likes it, we will encourage more athletics that she may be interested in. (she gets those genes from me, hehehe). And I will be at every one of them.
I also get to meet the boyfriend tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. If anything, to get it that much more behind me. I've been told he is nervous. Theres no reason for it. He made the move that he knew would require me meeting him; he's moving in with Ex and my kids, and I think its next weekend while I have them.
Delores, if you are reading this, congratulations, again. I am VERY happy for you :)
I won't steal your thunder
Soccer.
I knew that the time was a possibility and the only drawback is that I need to leave at 7:00 for the 2 hr drive to go watch it and my weekends will be cut short by a day for the next few months.
Ex and I discussed it when she expressed an interest, so the rule is that she needs to finish the season if she doesnt like it. Thats all. Don't have to play next year, just finish out the 6 weekends.
It just makes more sense that I miss a day on 3 visits because of that drive. The kids will come back with me on my saturdays, but i'm not going to tell her "No, that's daddy's day". I miss a few overnights, if she likes it, we will encourage more athletics that she may be interested in. (she gets those genes from me, hehehe). And I will be at every one of them.
I also get to meet the boyfriend tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. If anything, to get it that much more behind me. I've been told he is nervous. Theres no reason for it. He made the move that he knew would require me meeting him; he's moving in with Ex and my kids, and I think its next weekend while I have them.
Delores, if you are reading this, congratulations, again. I am VERY happy for you :)
I won't steal your thunder
Damn....8 years already
8 years ago, in about 2 hours, I was sitting with a customer, regional manager in tow, when the first plane hit the towers. We ended the meeting and watched the news. I got to watch the second plane impact in real time.
We ended the day then and there and I took manger back to his hotel after offering up my house for him to stay in because no one knew what the overall affect was going to be.
I walked in the door... shit, I only had one foot in and Ex (we weren't even married at the time) was glued to the couch watching all the news reports.
First words to me, one foot in the door were "You are going NOWHERE!!!"
I had already formulated a plan to get back to active duty; I was in the reserves at the time. So that idea was squashed.
When the phone lines were turned back on, I made a call that not a lot of people got to make. I called my old Master Sgt.
"Hows it going Top?"
"How the fuck do you think it's going?"
"What's our response?"
" you know I can't tell you that, especially over an unsecured line"
" is it hot on the tarmac?"
" hehehehe, yes it is"
I missed it. A LOT. I knew who was going, where they were staged, who was already wheels up, and who was getting ready to load. It was my old unit. THE 911 force of the United States.
My mom's friend said it best when she was in a conversation with them about how I was handling it.
"He's probably foaming at the mouth"
Yup, pretty much
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Appointment set
I set an appointment with a bankruptcy attorney just now.......
the Monday before my birthday.
I'm curious what other crushing blows are going to fall on me that weekend.
the Monday before my birthday.
I'm curious what other crushing blows are going to fall on me that weekend.
$17,500
I just applied for a $17,500 loan and I have no income. For the employer section, I put in "unemployed".
If I didn't fill it out, the bank was going to sue me for $130,000 and evict the people that bought my house, who in turn, would hit me for almost half a million......
Something has got to give... something.
ANYTHING!!!!
If I didn't fill it out, the bank was going to sue me for $130,000 and evict the people that bought my house, who in turn, would hit me for almost half a million......
Something has got to give... something.
ANYTHING!!!!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Stolen status
I stole a status from FB and put it here. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
It was.
I took it off. I don't know if it's perfect anymore. It might be, it might not.
I don't know. I just don't know anymore
We haven't been talking much. She's been busy at work and I wanted to give her some space for a multitude of reasons:
She needs to concentrate on work
I need to concentrate on getting my fucked up situation straightened out... which is not looking good on all fronts.
Mostly, there has been a change over the past few months; a change in the way she talks to me, acts towards me. I asked what was going on and she told me her reasons why and it makes sense, but there is something else missing from the equation; it's not adding up.
There is a question that has been burning in me the past few weeks
I need to ask.......I need to ask...... I just can't yet.
Its not a choice, but it is something I would like to know
So Delores, if you are reading this, don't ask me what it is because I can't ask just yet. I know you will tell me if I ask and I'm afraid of the answer and I'm not ready to hear it yet but it is important in the OG/Delores saga.
What makes it worse, a friend turned me on to this demotivational poster website... they were funny as hell..... until I got to this one
It was.
I took it off. I don't know if it's perfect anymore. It might be, it might not.
I don't know. I just don't know anymore
We haven't been talking much. She's been busy at work and I wanted to give her some space for a multitude of reasons:
She needs to concentrate on work
I need to concentrate on getting my fucked up situation straightened out... which is not looking good on all fronts.
Mostly, there has been a change over the past few months; a change in the way she talks to me, acts towards me. I asked what was going on and she told me her reasons why and it makes sense, but there is something else missing from the equation; it's not adding up.
There is a question that has been burning in me the past few weeks
I need to ask.......I need to ask...... I just can't yet.
Its not a choice, but it is something I would like to know
So Delores, if you are reading this, don't ask me what it is because I can't ask just yet. I know you will tell me if I ask and I'm afraid of the answer and I'm not ready to hear it yet but it is important in the OG/Delores saga.
What makes it worse, a friend turned me on to this demotivational poster website... they were funny as hell..... until I got to this one
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The interview that never happened
I wish it had. It would have been fun. I have had these questions for a pretty long time now and I said I would answer them. About a week ago, it started to bug me that I hadn't done it yet. I have no idea why, but I kept getting this irresistible urge to do it..... so here it is
Why are you sitting with me today?
I’m not and wish I was.
Explain the kind of role you are looking for
I’m looking for something that involves companionship, teamwork. Not necessarily at all times, but the kind of role that requires people to work together to achieve a common goal, while still allowing room for individual development
What are your desired hours?
I think 23 hrs per day is enough, everyone should have at least an hour to themselves everyday
In a previous similar role, what did you like, what did you not like?
In a previous role, I can honestly say that there was not much I did like. There was too much one sidedness to it. A lot of take and not much give. Sacrifice was expected at every decision, but that sacrifice was always expected from me. That left some bitterness towards that employer, but because of the investments I had made in that company, I still need communicate with them and I am still expected to make the same sacrifices, more now as a matter of fact
Tell me about your typical day in this role.
Well that would depend on the day and working arrangements at the time. Could you please elaborate? Because it could involve starting off with phone and email communications, or an in person meeting. The entire day would work from those starting points
What are your best attributes? (physical, non-physical)
Physical: I would have to say my hands
Non physical: the ability to empathize
What do you see are opportunities for improvement in you and how it relates to the role you are seeking?
There is always room for self improvements, from better communication skills, like listening instead of talking, to self evaluation and looking around how to do something better, and asking questions.
How much travel are you willing to do?
I like traveling. I’m pretty efficient at it. So I guess the answer would be “as much as needed”
Describe your ideal girlfriend
A little shorter than me. A preference for brunettes who don’t feel the need to spend hours getting ready to go anywhere. Soft, doe like eyes and a sweet, kind exterior demeanor with an internal wild side. An appreciation for nice things but doesn’t need them to survive. Must be able to give me honest feedback about my cooking. And not only like children, but work well with them: I come with two
Give me an example of a challenge we might face and how you would help overcome it.
Money is always the first thing that comes to mind when dealing in a relationship. The lack of communication about spending habits, the impulse desires, the lack of patience in a large decision or at least one that can affect someone else.
Open, honest communication is the answer to just about everything, be it a problem or preventing one. And at times, personal sacrifice.
I will cite this example: I wanted laser eye surgery after dealing with glasses and contacts for over 20 yrs. There was a discussion about how much it would cost and money was earmarked each month and put away. One day, Ex asked if she could go to the beach with our little girl for a week and just have some mommy/daughter time over the 4th of July. She had time off that needed to be used and I had to work plus was dealing with my dad estate stuff. I would go down for the weekend. I thought it was a good idea.
She spent my eye surgery money to finance it. Knew what it was for, knew that it was something that I really wanted, but the week at the beach was more important. I didn’t know that was what happened until I asked to schedule the consult and was told the money was gone. It was my fault apparently because I said it was ok. I definitely would have had a different opinion had I known what the plan was. I may have even had some suggestions for alternatives.
I don’t know if that answers you question
Do you prefer to do things alone or as a team? Give example.
I like both as a matter of fact. When something is difficult, teams I think are best. You have different views and ideas towards a solution and someone to, for lack of a better term, “share the pain with”. Things always seem less difficult when it is shared with someone.
Some tasks don’t require assistance or may even require specialized skills of an individual, but I do enjoy teaching things that can be done alone.. Like washing the car. I have a blast with my daughter when we do it together. It takes a lot longer, but we have fun and she is learning and asking questions. I hope that never leaves her
If you could be an actor, what movie character would you be and why?
I really don’t know
If I were to cook you dinner for your birthday, what would you ask for, considering my cooking skills?
If you were to cook me dinner, I would ask you to surprise me. You have an idea of the types of food I like. All I would ask is that you challenge yourself when you do it. Not to be afraid of it being great or awful or mediocre. But to take on something that you haven’t done before. I would eat it no matter what and I know it would be good because in that situation, it really is the thought that counts.
I didn’t learn to cook by making everything great; there have been some pretty bad things to come from my kitchen
What book has impacted you the most?
White Fang…. Jack London
Why do you like your favorite movie genre?
I like mindless comedies the most because they are mindless. You see other people in ridiculous situations that you are so happy to not be in and it lets your mind escape for an couple hours
What has made you laugh so hard you peed your pants (or almost peed)?
When I put pulled bbq chicken on the toilet seat at work and the owner walked in the bathroom and came right back out completely pale and unable to speak
What is your most embarrassing moment?
To many to really pinpoint one
Do you want this job? Why? Why might you not want this job?
Of course I want this job. I could not imagine a more fulfilling opportunity. A chance to share a life with a person whom you can literally feel even over long distances. Being able to look at someone and know what they are thinking has quite a few positives. The common interests are plenty with enough differences to keep things interesting and the conversation moving. I keep imagining even the mundane task of cooking dinner together as being a lot of fun.
I cannot think of a time in two decades that I didn’t want it
Do you prefer to be on top or on bottom and why?
Really does depend, Top for power and physical prowess, bottom for submission and to “take a break”... but you know that we have never had any issues with either
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Theory and the linchpin
the·o·ry (th
-r, thîr)
-r, thîr)n. pl. the·o·ries
1. A set of statements or principles devised to explain a group of facts or phenomena, especially one that has been repeatedly tested or is widely accepted and can be used to make predictions about natural phenomena.
2. The branch of a science or art consisting of its explanatory statements, accepted principles, and methods of analysis, as opposed to practice: a fine musician who had never studied theory.
3. A set of theorems that constitute a systematic view of a branch of mathematics.
4. Abstract reasoning; speculation: a decision based on experience rather than theory.
5. A belief or principle that guides action or assists comprehension or judgment: staked out the house on the theory that criminals usually return to the scene of the crime.
6. An assumption based on limited information or knowledge; a conjecture.
Over the past few days, I have developed a few theories.. All based on the information as I know it. Theories are disproved everyday when new facts come to light or they are tested. Everyday.
I can only build mine on what I have and what I know. A few I don't like, a few I do. As new facts come out, I can eliminate some and redesign others.
There is a linchpin that these are riding on. One key piece of information that will eliminate some and strengthen others.
That linchpin is feelings.
Over the past few days, I have developed a few theories.. All based on the information as I know it. Theories are disproved everyday when new facts come to light or they are tested. Everyday.
I can only build mine on what I have and what I know. A few I don't like, a few I do. As new facts come out, I can eliminate some and redesign others.
There is a linchpin that these are riding on. One key piece of information that will eliminate some and strengthen others.
That linchpin is feelings.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Strange.....
That was weird... cant really explain it... but that was just a...... well... strange feeling.
Not good, not bad...just...... different.
Not good, not bad...just...... different.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I miss her so much
It's indescribable. It really is.
My thoughts are constantly turning her way.
I miss the look on her face, the way she smiles.
I miss the feeling I get when I see her.
I miss those butterflies on the drive or during the wait.... you know, that anticipation as it builds.
I have started to take a pretty heavy beating lately, getting pushed down pretty low and that has started to cause me to get a little negative. Nothing has gone right at all and it just keeps getting worse.
It makes me miss her even more, because when I'm done getting dragged through the days shit pile, that's it. All that's left is the wait for the next dragging to start.
I fantasize still about it actually ending up the two of us. Being able to share the day, good or bad. I think about what it would feel like to call and say "hey, lets do dinner" or "lets meet up for one or two at happy hour". Even the far fetched one that she would come over and just sit with me and let me lay my head down on her lap and let me look up at her.
Its getting harder and harder to describe because I'm starting to close myself off from the world, from feelings. I'm starting to turn into my dad, and that is a frightening thought.... those parallels are just to much. So the gym it is... that's the fix I need... get the exercise going again..
But I miss her so. There was a time that I had taught myself that she didn't want anything to do with me. That's how I dealt with it and even then, a week didn't go by that I didn't think about her; what was she doing?, where was she?, was she happy?.... did she think about me at all?
Now, now I don't know how to do it. I was so close....so close. and then not and then again, and then not.
It hurts. I miss her so much that it hurts.
My thoughts are constantly turning her way.
I miss the look on her face, the way she smiles.
I miss the feeling I get when I see her.
I miss those butterflies on the drive or during the wait.... you know, that anticipation as it builds.
I have started to take a pretty heavy beating lately, getting pushed down pretty low and that has started to cause me to get a little negative. Nothing has gone right at all and it just keeps getting worse.
It makes me miss her even more, because when I'm done getting dragged through the days shit pile, that's it. All that's left is the wait for the next dragging to start.
I fantasize still about it actually ending up the two of us. Being able to share the day, good or bad. I think about what it would feel like to call and say "hey, lets do dinner" or "lets meet up for one or two at happy hour". Even the far fetched one that she would come over and just sit with me and let me lay my head down on her lap and let me look up at her.
Its getting harder and harder to describe because I'm starting to close myself off from the world, from feelings. I'm starting to turn into my dad, and that is a frightening thought.... those parallels are just to much. So the gym it is... that's the fix I need... get the exercise going again..
But I miss her so. There was a time that I had taught myself that she didn't want anything to do with me. That's how I dealt with it and even then, a week didn't go by that I didn't think about her; what was she doing?, where was she?, was she happy?.... did she think about me at all?
Now, now I don't know how to do it. I was so close....so close. and then not and then again, and then not.
It hurts. I miss her so much that it hurts.
Monday, August 31, 2009
I cant send it
All I want is to send her an email.... just a request.
I shake uncontrollably when I get close to the send button... My body won't let me do it.
She knows what it is... shit I can't even put it here...
I'm trying so hard and it just wont get put down.....
I shake uncontrollably when I get close to the send button... My body won't let me do it.
She knows what it is... shit I can't even put it here...
I'm trying so hard and it just wont get put down.....
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Just so that you all know
In case anyone was wondering, I don't read Delores' blog.
Simply because I'm afraid to.
She knows that
If there was anything that I really needed to know, I trust that she would tell me.
She knows that too
Simply because I'm afraid to.
She knows that
If there was anything that I really needed to know, I trust that she would tell me.
She knows that too
Where the hell does it go?
I got to see her on Thursday. Kind of a last second decision for me to drive to her and it had been so long since I had seen her without a stopwatch on us, that I got almost overly excited. I was even a little nervous on the drive for some reason.
But there was a little of a clock on us; it was a work night.
I blinked my eyes after getting there and it was WAAAY late and super past her bedtime. It disappeared... the entire night just disintegrated as soon as I looked at her.
Not disintegrated in a bad way, but the time just flew by so fast that I honestly felt like I had just gotten there.
How does she do that? How does she make that happen?
But there was a little of a clock on us; it was a work night.
I blinked my eyes after getting there and it was WAAAY late and super past her bedtime. It disappeared... the entire night just disintegrated as soon as I looked at her.
Not disintegrated in a bad way, but the time just flew by so fast that I honestly felt like I had just gotten there.
How does she do that? How does she make that happen?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Anger, Hate and Resentment
I can't fucking believe this. Shit is still being decided for me.
I was supposed to have the kids this weekend. Ex had made some plans for them to go swimming with her Aunt on Saturday. I didn't have a problem with that at all. I don't have access to a pool and they really enjoy it. Ex told me to coordinate with Auntie about getting them there and such as Auntie had picked them up on Friday.
I called and left a message, and again on Saturday.
Ex sends a text this morning "You have the kids?"
"Nope. Nothing from Auntie either and I am pretty pissed. they're my kids, not theirs"
And it went back and forth about how I am sick of being treated like this. Her family keeps deciding things, especially when it comes to me seeing my children. In Ex's defense, she had no idea. She really thought that they were here.
Her family has picked what events I'm allowed to attend, what holidays, birthdays, and now, THEY DECIDE MY FUCKING VISITATION????????
Ex didn't blame me for being mad. She tried to call and I didn't answer. I was too angry. I told her that I didn't answer because I would end up taking it out on her and I knew it wasn't her fault.
I do know that I will get them today, and I WILL LAY INTO THEM. They pissed me off to much in this whole situation from the beginning.
They blame me, without knowing what happened, and I keep my mouth shut. They ask to take them to special events (without me of course) on my weekends. I give them up for a few hours because I know that the kids will like it and I cant afford to expose them to these things.
I even gave up Easter because they do some pretty neat things for all the kids.
They feel it is "Inappropriate" for a father to spend time with his kids around Ex family members.
I never had an issue with them before. I don't care about the boyfriend being there. I really don't. But I really wish that I could spend some of those special holidays with them that they always remember.
"No one else does it" I keep being told.
BULLSHIT, people do it everyday.
Ex and I get along well enough to interact. I don't give a shit how they feel. But to threaten to boycott a 1st birthday if I attend??? What The Fuck?????
My kids... MY KIDS.... I've had enough of this shit
I was supposed to have the kids this weekend. Ex had made some plans for them to go swimming with her Aunt on Saturday. I didn't have a problem with that at all. I don't have access to a pool and they really enjoy it. Ex told me to coordinate with Auntie about getting them there and such as Auntie had picked them up on Friday.
I called and left a message, and again on Saturday.
Ex sends a text this morning "You have the kids?"
"Nope. Nothing from Auntie either and I am pretty pissed. they're my kids, not theirs"
And it went back and forth about how I am sick of being treated like this. Her family keeps deciding things, especially when it comes to me seeing my children. In Ex's defense, she had no idea. She really thought that they were here.
Her family has picked what events I'm allowed to attend, what holidays, birthdays, and now, THEY DECIDE MY FUCKING VISITATION????????
Ex didn't blame me for being mad. She tried to call and I didn't answer. I was too angry. I told her that I didn't answer because I would end up taking it out on her and I knew it wasn't her fault.
I do know that I will get them today, and I WILL LAY INTO THEM. They pissed me off to much in this whole situation from the beginning.
They blame me, without knowing what happened, and I keep my mouth shut. They ask to take them to special events (without me of course) on my weekends. I give them up for a few hours because I know that the kids will like it and I cant afford to expose them to these things.
I even gave up Easter because they do some pretty neat things for all the kids.
They feel it is "Inappropriate" for a father to spend time with his kids around Ex family members.
I never had an issue with them before. I don't care about the boyfriend being there. I really don't. But I really wish that I could spend some of those special holidays with them that they always remember.
"No one else does it" I keep being told.
BULLSHIT, people do it everyday.
Ex and I get along well enough to interact. I don't give a shit how they feel. But to threaten to boycott a 1st birthday if I attend??? What The Fuck?????
My kids... MY KIDS.... I've had enough of this shit
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Remembering the good ol' days
There was a Facebook posting this morning from a good friend. He was heading back to the old stomping grounds with his wife and kids and had commented about wondering if certain things were still there. It jogged some memories REAL fast, and the first one was of Delores and a specific night we had outside.
She and I had been there several times. I had been there hundreds upon hundreds. And there were tons of old ghosts that ran around that place.
But this particular night, we got it on in the grass on a hillside. and the more I think about it, the clearer it becomes. Not anything other than looking at her on top of me. I see it more vividly with every thought of it. The way her eyes closed, they way she leaned ever so slightly back. i can still feel her hands on my chest.
So I had to go. There were just to many memories not to. I found the spot where she and I had been that night and the entire hillside was covered in pricker bushes and weeds. every spot except one. For lack of a better term "our spot". That was covered in clover. A thick, plush, soft bed of clover in the midst of all this sharp, prickly garbage.
I didn't believe it. I checked from all angles, near and far, but that was the spot. I remember because of the angle of that particular area and the proximity to some unchanging, unique landmarks. There was our spot and it was even better than when it was the well tended grass.
Now Delores knows that I have partied in that area hundreds of times. She and I have shared a lot of firsts with each other. There is something that she doesn't know about that place.
I have never been intimate with someone there. Not before, not since.
It's an "only" for me.
I thought about it the whole drive there, and now, I can't stop thinking about it.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
From the ground up
I can help grow someone from an established local company to a nationwide name.
I had an interview today and they want be... BAD...
Drawback is that it is pretty much a commissioned base job and I am one of the first in my position. And they would like me to build an extensive territory that I would then turn over to newbies that I would manage.
The potential is enormous. The risk, while there, I think is manageable and it is an outside, home based position that still gives the flexibility to look around.....
I don't know.
I do know something is going on with delores. I felt it as i was coming back from the interview.
She has the odd position of being almost "over employed", or at least in some serious demand.
I mentioned something about traffic and she let me know that it would let up at a specific spot, but I had got a feeling around then.... something. Not bad, not good, but something... something didn't sit right for a few minutes. But it passed. Not like some that drag on for days on end when I know that there is something really bad is going on.
She was thinking about me, because I know that feeling. I know it from the past... a long separated past.
I just don't know what it was that she was thinking
I had an interview today and they want be... BAD...
Drawback is that it is pretty much a commissioned base job and I am one of the first in my position. And they would like me to build an extensive territory that I would then turn over to newbies that I would manage.
The potential is enormous. The risk, while there, I think is manageable and it is an outside, home based position that still gives the flexibility to look around.....
I don't know.
I do know something is going on with delores. I felt it as i was coming back from the interview.
She has the odd position of being almost "over employed", or at least in some serious demand.
I mentioned something about traffic and she let me know that it would let up at a specific spot, but I had got a feeling around then.... something. Not bad, not good, but something... something didn't sit right for a few minutes. But it passed. Not like some that drag on for days on end when I know that there is something really bad is going on.
She was thinking about me, because I know that feeling. I know it from the past... a long separated past.
I just don't know what it was that she was thinking
Monday, August 17, 2009
Did I call it or what
Yup.. I just got screamed at about how stupid and irresponsible I am. How I cant hold a job and how she desperately needs my money to pay her bills.
how I am a bad father for not supporting my kids.
She yelled at me to get some kind of income so I can pay her, my bills do not matter... I tried to explain that if i don't pay for my car, no job will come at all...
Not her problem.... give me money
Swim classes are being signed up for too, so is soccer, and another vacation... and she cant pay her bills while I am literally sweating like a pig in this fucking oven of an apartment... and its my fault.
how I am a bad father for not supporting my kids.
She yelled at me to get some kind of income so I can pay her, my bills do not matter... I tried to explain that if i don't pay for my car, no job will come at all...
Not her problem.... give me money
Swim classes are being signed up for too, so is soccer, and another vacation... and she cant pay her bills while I am literally sweating like a pig in this fucking oven of an apartment... and its my fault.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Strange turn of events
I am now unemployed. lost my job on friday. In the search for new employment, I keep coming across the posting for my position. I laugh some because the description is not what the job really entails, but that is how they are going to get some lower cost, less effective help. One of my former co-workers mentioned to me that it was ridiculous for me to be let go. He sees the weekly numbers and knows that I had surpassed expectations in less than a year while others from my team are half of were I was after 2 and 3 years on the job... There's nothing I can do about it except look for something else.
Delores starts working again this monday. I really hope it works out for her and into a permanent position, she's been looking for so long that I'm sure that the searching and resumes got to be aggravating.
Odd that my days are now free and hers are now occupied, but again, nothing I can do about it.
I did get to see her yesterday briefly. She was on a long drive back and stopped for a break near my place. I know she was tired, but something was off, she seemed distant... pulling away... I don't know. It could have been me just looking for something considering all the negativity the past few weeks that has surrounded just about every aspect of my life... absolutely nothing is going right, so maybe I am waiting for that hammer to fall as well. I hope it is just in my head, but that is pretty much the only thing left to loose right now.
Then there is the impending fight with Ex. She is going to rip into me. No more insurance (paid by me that is) for the kids, no more income left to give her to support the vacations, even though she insists that she cant pay her bills. I'm not even really going to be able to have the kids stay over, I cant afford the utilities. I don't run the AC and it gets dangerously hot in here at times and I can't afford the bill as it is..
This really is turning into a very, very ugly mess. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I do, I keep looking... and at times, I hope it is the train....
Delores starts working again this monday. I really hope it works out for her and into a permanent position, she's been looking for so long that I'm sure that the searching and resumes got to be aggravating.
Odd that my days are now free and hers are now occupied, but again, nothing I can do about it.
I did get to see her yesterday briefly. She was on a long drive back and stopped for a break near my place. I know she was tired, but something was off, she seemed distant... pulling away... I don't know. It could have been me just looking for something considering all the negativity the past few weeks that has surrounded just about every aspect of my life... absolutely nothing is going right, so maybe I am waiting for that hammer to fall as well. I hope it is just in my head, but that is pretty much the only thing left to loose right now.
Then there is the impending fight with Ex. She is going to rip into me. No more insurance (paid by me that is) for the kids, no more income left to give her to support the vacations, even though she insists that she cant pay her bills. I'm not even really going to be able to have the kids stay over, I cant afford the utilities. I don't run the AC and it gets dangerously hot in here at times and I can't afford the bill as it is..
This really is turning into a very, very ugly mess. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I do, I keep looking... and at times, I hope it is the train....
Saturday, August 8, 2009
The Wonder Years
I grew up with a mom and a dad and a brother 2 years younger.
dad worked and mom stayed home... for a while.
She spent a lot of time on that corded, rotary dial phone, telling me and my brother to "go out and play".
The neighborhood was a good, safe one and a lot of friends lived close by.....
When we would get home for dinner, mom and dad would be yelling.... that's all they did. I never have figured out what it was about, but that is all they did.
She got a part time job as a bartender at some point, working at a relatively nice restaurant.
She would sleep on the couch. I remember getting up more than once to get breakfast and she would be there, so I would be quiet... I had to go to school. I would get my brother up too, and sometimes my dad. He would ask if mom was there. If I said she was on the couch, we would tell me to get my brother set up and get off to school. I was 9.
She left.
When I was 12
Saw her about once a year after that.
when she left, I became responsible for my brother.... 12 years old and now, the father of a 10 yr old. My dad would sequester himself every night in his room with a few cases of beer. Lunch money would be left only if I badgered him from the minute he walked in from happy hour until he went to his room. groceries were not in the fridge, not because there was no money, but because no one got them.
So I started asking for money for food. I started the shopping. And I had to walk. It was only a mile to the store, but your shoulders start to hurt after a while carrying all that. I went every few days because I could only carry so much.
So I start high school, and the sports that go with it. I chose football for the fall. my brother now became responsible for getting me up because it was my first time at it and your body really takes a beating, so I would sleep a little harder that I used to.
One day, he wakes me up and said there was no lunch money. I told him to pack one. He said "there's no lunch stuff".
I got up, and there wasn't. Dad had eaten everything the night before. I had the change left from the previous day of shopping, so I gave him a few bucks to buy lunch and realized how things had turned.
I got a job.
And played football
and lacrosse
and went to school
and gave my brother money for lunch
and cooked dinner
and cleaned (kind of)
and started paying some of the bills
homework fell by the wayside
Dad had stopped drinking so much by the time we were both in high school and was running and taking care of himself. But the damage was already done. I was my brothers surrogate father. I had provided when we needed it. I kept the lights on, I kept food in the house... I even helped pay the mortgage sometimes.
So he meets someone and gets married. She has a daughter my age and I get moved to the basement, so the new girl can have the room I grew up in because it is more comfortable.. go figure. I was still "responsible" for paying some of the luxuries I had introduced...like cable tv, and the world exploded when I had it turned off if I was the only one paying for it.
I started drinking heavily to the point I went to rehab at 16... Lost scholarships out the ying-yang because I was athletically ineligible my junior year.
Delores met me the following year... in all my misguided glory. And I met her. And have never forgotten.
My new step mom kicked me out the summer I turned 18... the summer I fucked up with Delores. I was "not appropriate" for a family environment.....
That was the place I lived when I called Delores and she came over... and left in the middle of the night while I was still sleeping
dad worked and mom stayed home... for a while.
She spent a lot of time on that corded, rotary dial phone, telling me and my brother to "go out and play".
The neighborhood was a good, safe one and a lot of friends lived close by.....
When we would get home for dinner, mom and dad would be yelling.... that's all they did. I never have figured out what it was about, but that is all they did.
She got a part time job as a bartender at some point, working at a relatively nice restaurant.
She would sleep on the couch. I remember getting up more than once to get breakfast and she would be there, so I would be quiet... I had to go to school. I would get my brother up too, and sometimes my dad. He would ask if mom was there. If I said she was on the couch, we would tell me to get my brother set up and get off to school. I was 9.
She left.
When I was 12
Saw her about once a year after that.
when she left, I became responsible for my brother.... 12 years old and now, the father of a 10 yr old. My dad would sequester himself every night in his room with a few cases of beer. Lunch money would be left only if I badgered him from the minute he walked in from happy hour until he went to his room. groceries were not in the fridge, not because there was no money, but because no one got them.
So I started asking for money for food. I started the shopping. And I had to walk. It was only a mile to the store, but your shoulders start to hurt after a while carrying all that. I went every few days because I could only carry so much.
So I start high school, and the sports that go with it. I chose football for the fall. my brother now became responsible for getting me up because it was my first time at it and your body really takes a beating, so I would sleep a little harder that I used to.
One day, he wakes me up and said there was no lunch money. I told him to pack one. He said "there's no lunch stuff".
I got up, and there wasn't. Dad had eaten everything the night before. I had the change left from the previous day of shopping, so I gave him a few bucks to buy lunch and realized how things had turned.
I got a job.
And played football
and lacrosse
and went to school
and gave my brother money for lunch
and cooked dinner
and cleaned (kind of)
and started paying some of the bills
homework fell by the wayside
Dad had stopped drinking so much by the time we were both in high school and was running and taking care of himself. But the damage was already done. I was my brothers surrogate father. I had provided when we needed it. I kept the lights on, I kept food in the house... I even helped pay the mortgage sometimes.
So he meets someone and gets married. She has a daughter my age and I get moved to the basement, so the new girl can have the room I grew up in because it is more comfortable.. go figure. I was still "responsible" for paying some of the luxuries I had introduced...like cable tv, and the world exploded when I had it turned off if I was the only one paying for it.
I started drinking heavily to the point I went to rehab at 16... Lost scholarships out the ying-yang because I was athletically ineligible my junior year.
Delores met me the following year... in all my misguided glory. And I met her. And have never forgotten.
My new step mom kicked me out the summer I turned 18... the summer I fucked up with Delores. I was "not appropriate" for a family environment.....
That was the place I lived when I called Delores and she came over... and left in the middle of the night while I was still sleeping
A harsh reality
I am losing my job in a few days.
No one is hiring, no one that pays more than unemployment
Unemployment won't cover the rent.
If I don't find something soon, I will be unemployable in about a month.
In about a month, I will lose my car insurance, a month later, the car. I will lose utilities around that time as well as my phone and internet.
Wont even be able to look for something, much less be able to be contacted or even get to an interview......
I can survive the street, but my dog.... she's bad enough as it is
No one is hiring, no one that pays more than unemployment
Unemployment won't cover the rent.
If I don't find something soon, I will be unemployable in about a month.
In about a month, I will lose my car insurance, a month later, the car. I will lose utilities around that time as well as my phone and internet.
Wont even be able to look for something, much less be able to be contacted or even get to an interview......
I can survive the street, but my dog.... she's bad enough as it is
Friday, August 7, 2009
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me that
I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good
For something
Hold on feeling like I'm heading for a
Break down and I dunno why
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then You'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Talking to myself in public
And dulging glances on the train
And I know I know that they ‘ve all been talking about me
I can hear their whisper
And it makes me feel that there must be something wrong with me
After all the hours thinking somehow I‘ve lost my mind
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I've been talking in my sleep
Soon they'll come to get me
And they're taking me away
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired I know
Right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
And how I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little lonely
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me that
I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good
For something
Hold on feeling like I'm heading for a
Break down and I dunno why
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then You'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Talking to myself in public
And dulging glances on the train
And I know I know that they ‘ve all been talking about me
I can hear their whisper
And it makes me feel that there must be something wrong with me
After all the hours thinking somehow I‘ve lost my mind
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I've been talking in my sleep
Soon they'll come to get me
And they're taking me away
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired I know
Right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
And how I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little lonely
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Vacation????
This is my last visit with the kids for the next few weeks, possibly longer.
Ex is taking them on vacation with her boyfriend and the couple that we used to vacation with every year.
I don't care that he is going on vacation with my kids, I don't care that I lost some friends in this, I don't care that they are going where I used to go every year.
What I do care about is how the hell she can tell me she can't pay her bills and needs my check every two weeks ( knowing that I am not able to keep my utilities on half the time and have consulted a bankruptcy attorney) but can continue going on these vacation sprees; the last few months, there has been a flight somewhere at least once a month and I have had to rearrange my schedule to accommodate that.
It's really going to throw her for a loop when I lose my job in a few weeks
What the fuck???
Ex is taking them on vacation with her boyfriend and the couple that we used to vacation with every year.
I don't care that he is going on vacation with my kids, I don't care that I lost some friends in this, I don't care that they are going where I used to go every year.
What I do care about is how the hell she can tell me she can't pay her bills and needs my check every two weeks ( knowing that I am not able to keep my utilities on half the time and have consulted a bankruptcy attorney) but can continue going on these vacation sprees; the last few months, there has been a flight somewhere at least once a month and I have had to rearrange my schedule to accommodate that.
It's really going to throw her for a loop when I lose my job in a few weeks
What the fuck???
Friday, July 31, 2009
Is this shit really happening
One day, seriously, ONE FUCKING DAY, things are going to go right for me. They have to.
The law of averages say so.
Just another test I need to get through....
When the Fuck do I graduate?
The law of averages say so.
Just another test I need to get through....
When the Fuck do I graduate?
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The fastest 3 hours of my life
I swear, I have had three hours of sleep that lasted longer.
Delores And I met up at the mall. She was coming from an errand and I was out seeing customers and could spare some time.
We talked, and sat in the lounge area. Walked around some. She actually got to see me work. I had to field a call that ended up with me needing to put out a fire with a customer. She was also with me when I walked in to set up an appt with a new chef.
She also got in my truck and I drove her somewhere for the first time in nearly 20 years. She held on to my arm and would bury her nose into my shoulder sometimes. It was the best. I had a hard time driving, I just wanted to look at her. It has been a month since I have seen her.
We went to my office to pick up a few things and went back to the mall. What prompted the drive was the fact that I had to get there by a specific time and we either had to say goodbye there or she could come with me.
I am so glad she said yes
Delores And I met up at the mall. She was coming from an errand and I was out seeing customers and could spare some time.
We talked, and sat in the lounge area. Walked around some. She actually got to see me work. I had to field a call that ended up with me needing to put out a fire with a customer. She was also with me when I walked in to set up an appt with a new chef.
She also got in my truck and I drove her somewhere for the first time in nearly 20 years. She held on to my arm and would bury her nose into my shoulder sometimes. It was the best. I had a hard time driving, I just wanted to look at her. It has been a month since I have seen her.
We went to my office to pick up a few things and went back to the mall. What prompted the drive was the fact that I had to get there by a specific time and we either had to say goodbye there or she could come with me.
I am so glad she said yes
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Fantasy Land
I start to wake up... the sun isn't quite up yet, but enough light is coming in to see.
I stretch out some in bed and roll away from the clock and look at bundle of brown hair.. it's breathing softly.
One arm over me lazily. I push back the hair gently, and look at an angelic sleeping face. Content, mouth open a little, breathing ever so quietly.
I would lay there and look, just take it all in.. part of me not believing it.
It's Delores
I've never slept next to her.. not real sleep. Laying down.. saying goodnight... a kiss.. a cuddle... sex or no sex ( that would keep us up a while) and a full on restful 5-6 hours of sleep. I don't think I would believe it was real
I've thought about how I could make some changes to the apartment and build an additional two bedrooms to bring it up to 4. That would give each kid one of their own. And how to put in a private area for Delores to work in. This place was originally an office, so it is laid out already sectioned off into various compartments. It really wouldn't be that difficult.
Sure I would have to dispose of or store some items, but it could be done.
Reality, unfortunately, prevails.
It really isn't the best idea at this moment. Not yet.... Not saying it isn't possible, but right now it would cause even more problems
I stretch out some in bed and roll away from the clock and look at bundle of brown hair.. it's breathing softly.
One arm over me lazily. I push back the hair gently, and look at an angelic sleeping face. Content, mouth open a little, breathing ever so quietly.
I would lay there and look, just take it all in.. part of me not believing it.
It's Delores
I've never slept next to her.. not real sleep. Laying down.. saying goodnight... a kiss.. a cuddle... sex or no sex ( that would keep us up a while) and a full on restful 5-6 hours of sleep. I don't think I would believe it was real
I've thought about how I could make some changes to the apartment and build an additional two bedrooms to bring it up to 4. That would give each kid one of their own. And how to put in a private area for Delores to work in. This place was originally an office, so it is laid out already sectioned off into various compartments. It really wouldn't be that difficult.
Sure I would have to dispose of or store some items, but it could be done.
Reality, unfortunately, prevails.
It really isn't the best idea at this moment. Not yet.... Not saying it isn't possible, but right now it would cause even more problems
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Downtime
I finally have a little bit of a break.
No kids this weekend and nothing really pressing except laundry and cleaning.
This could not have come at a better time. I was starting to lose my mind with constant pressure.
Sure, the boss has asked me to make a decision if I would like to keep my job or not
Sure I have some work to do on sunday.
Sure, I need to start pumping out the resumes.
But I need the break first. I kinda "took off" last night. vegged in front of the tv for the first time in forever. Couldn't get on the net, which I think was a good thing. Had quite a few drinks, but didn't go into oblivion like I intended. It was pretty relaxing.
I'm going to do whatever it is that I feel like today... ALL day.
Tonight, I'll hit the resume, I think I will be much more productive after a full 24 hours of 0 pressure, because I feel pretty damn good right now.
No kids this weekend and nothing really pressing except laundry and cleaning.
This could not have come at a better time. I was starting to lose my mind with constant pressure.
Sure, the boss has asked me to make a decision if I would like to keep my job or not
Sure I have some work to do on sunday.
Sure, I need to start pumping out the resumes.
But I need the break first. I kinda "took off" last night. vegged in front of the tv for the first time in forever. Couldn't get on the net, which I think was a good thing. Had quite a few drinks, but didn't go into oblivion like I intended. It was pretty relaxing.
I'm going to do whatever it is that I feel like today... ALL day.
Tonight, I'll hit the resume, I think I will be much more productive after a full 24 hours of 0 pressure, because I feel pretty damn good right now.
Friday, July 10, 2009
What's the point anyway
I have failed at everything that I have ever attempted.
Everything
Why do I keep trying?
Everything
Why do I keep trying?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Motivate, Motivate, Go, Go, Go
I need to reach inside and pull myself up again.
The constant beat downs are taking their toll and I am finding it hard to get anything done.
All I have heard has been negativity; a lot of "I won't be the only one to suffer", "You had better watch out". I have been given some impossible tasks that, to me, we're designed to ensure failure.
I know I can pull off the impossible. I've done it before. It's just so hard to do when you're already on the ground getting kicked in the face.....
I'll find it. I'll find away to get myself up. I just wish that a break was an option; just a few days to recover. But the only answer I get is more pressure, more beatings. It will demoralize even the strongest of people..
I don't have a choice, I have to get up and keep fighting it out. That's the only way to know if it can be done. To quit is to ensure that it can't be done.
I'm going to do it. I'm going to make it. I am.
I don't fail
The constant beat downs are taking their toll and I am finding it hard to get anything done.
All I have heard has been negativity; a lot of "I won't be the only one to suffer", "You had better watch out". I have been given some impossible tasks that, to me, we're designed to ensure failure.
I know I can pull off the impossible. I've done it before. It's just so hard to do when you're already on the ground getting kicked in the face.....
I'll find it. I'll find away to get myself up. I just wish that a break was an option; just a few days to recover. But the only answer I get is more pressure, more beatings. It will demoralize even the strongest of people..
I don't have a choice, I have to get up and keep fighting it out. That's the only way to know if it can be done. To quit is to ensure that it can't be done.
I'm going to do it. I'm going to make it. I am.
I don't fail
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
OHHH THANK GOD
I don't think I can ever ask for something again....
I actually didn't in this case. I didn't pray, I didn't beg, I didn't do anything other than think about what the fuck I was going to do.
I had a mental list of all the stuff I was going to sell...
How I was going to make room if need be....
I started to plan a lot of things....
But Fate stepped in again......
I actually didn't in this case. I didn't pray, I didn't beg, I didn't do anything other than think about what the fuck I was going to do.
I had a mental list of all the stuff I was going to sell...
How I was going to make room if need be....
I started to plan a lot of things....
But Fate stepped in again......
constantly checking
I am constantly checking my email.
I'm worried, very worried.
I have had the unfortunate privilege of witnessing first hand what happens to someone.
The shit hit the fan this morning, in a worse way than I expected...
But I did suspect... I kinda already knew
I'm worried, very worried.
I have had the unfortunate privilege of witnessing first hand what happens to someone.
The shit hit the fan this morning, in a worse way than I expected...
But I did suspect... I kinda already knew
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wish You were Here
"We're like two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year"
Thank you Pink Floyd
I wish she was here. I'm not being selfish, or possessive, I just think that right now... at this moment, here would be best.
Just because that is what I think.
And we could do that. Lounge on the couch, relax. I could hold her hand; I could hold her.
And we could think
I would sneak in a kiss or two
but we could think, the two of us; together
Thank you Pink Floyd
I wish she was here. I'm not being selfish, or possessive, I just think that right now... at this moment, here would be best.
Just because that is what I think.
And we could do that. Lounge on the couch, relax. I could hold her hand; I could hold her.
And we could think
I would sneak in a kiss or two
but we could think, the two of us; together
OH shit......
We have a little bit of an "oh shit" on our hands.
I'm a little nervous, not as much as you would expect..
I wonder why that is? I think it's because it'll be just fine.
We'll find out tomorrow
I hope
I'm a little nervous, not as much as you would expect..
I wonder why that is? I think it's because it'll be just fine.
We'll find out tomorrow
I hope
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Did you feel that?
I said that...
That first day.
"Did you feel that"?
Referring to that wave of emotion that crashed over us, starting this whole thing.
We "felt" again tonight.. We felt that we had said or done something to upset the other. It's not that we did, but we felt the same thing at the same time.
We can feel each other as if we are looking at each other. We know when something is wrong, we know when something is right. We can feel each others heartbeats for miles
I could feel her last night... I really could.. I woke up with an urge to check my email, but I had left the phone in the kitchen... my body was sore and was worn out from a difficult day. I thought it as nonsense...I woke up and had messages from Delores right around that time.... I could feel her not being able to sleep, and I let her down.
We really don't have use for words.... maybe that's why we didn't talk about anything before... But we sure can start a conversation in some interesting predicaments.
I really want to see her as much as I can, But I don't like it when it hurts her to think about it.
I can feel that too... not always, but sometimes.
I wonder, how many times during our years apart, we were feeling something from the other. Not realizing it, but thinking it was just some strange feeling.... but in fact, it was at a time when one of us was hurt, or overjoyed........
That, I don't think we will ever be able to confirm, Delores and I have done a good job of clouding some of the past in our minds, but I believe, truly believe, that we have felt each other all our lives....
All of our lives
That first day.
"Did you feel that"?
Referring to that wave of emotion that crashed over us, starting this whole thing.
We "felt" again tonight.. We felt that we had said or done something to upset the other. It's not that we did, but we felt the same thing at the same time.
We can feel each other as if we are looking at each other. We know when something is wrong, we know when something is right. We can feel each others heartbeats for miles
I could feel her last night... I really could.. I woke up with an urge to check my email, but I had left the phone in the kitchen... my body was sore and was worn out from a difficult day. I thought it as nonsense...I woke up and had messages from Delores right around that time.... I could feel her not being able to sleep, and I let her down.
We really don't have use for words.... maybe that's why we didn't talk about anything before... But we sure can start a conversation in some interesting predicaments.
I really want to see her as much as I can, But I don't like it when it hurts her to think about it.
I can feel that too... not always, but sometimes.
I wonder, how many times during our years apart, we were feeling something from the other. Not realizing it, but thinking it was just some strange feeling.... but in fact, it was at a time when one of us was hurt, or overjoyed........
That, I don't think we will ever be able to confirm, Delores and I have done a good job of clouding some of the past in our minds, but I believe, truly believe, that we have felt each other all our lives....
All of our lives
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!
That unexpected phone call.....
The phone rings and I get over to it...There's her picture on the caller ID.......
I got to talk to her for a few minutes.
I was about to get some work stuff going and there she was. I was going to post something but I cannot remember, for the life of me, what it was.
I will say that I was secretly hoping that she was going to say that she was coming over for a few hours... I would have forgone anything for that.
I do wish that she could share the night sky with me... maybe in due time... but she called... that made my night
The phone rings and I get over to it...There's her picture on the caller ID.......
I got to talk to her for a few minutes.
I was about to get some work stuff going and there she was. I was going to post something but I cannot remember, for the life of me, what it was.
I will say that I was secretly hoping that she was going to say that she was coming over for a few hours... I would have forgone anything for that.
I do wish that she could share the night sky with me... maybe in due time... but she called... that made my night
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Greatest Monday EVER
I basically talked Delores into coming over.. She was tired from being up all night and I, of course, said she was welcome to sleep here if she wanted... I just wanted to see her
She came over... just me and her... for the first time here......
what we both thought would be an hour visit turned into...... hehe
The BEST MONDAY EVER.......
I'm still sticky with sweat; there was a little cheating with that, I can't really afford AC and the kids were here for three days this weekend and I kinda blew my electrical budget, so it was a little warm.
4 hours....not non-stop, but it was 4 hours of nakedness and cuddling and some hardcore "worthy of quality porn" type sex... a lot of that. I think we blew our own minds that we were capable of that.
Delores sent me an email that tallied the "damage", I'm still a little in awe of it... but I will toot my horn here and say that I DID GOOOOOD. I seriously did not know that many orgasms could happen in a DAY... much less 4 hours
Seriously, we were drunk afterwards. Stumbly, can't think straight... shit, I had trouble seeing straight. It only stopped because she insisted I go to work. I had trouble pushing the gas peddle down my legs were so weak... and I'm not exactly a frail person.
She smelled so good too, kinda tropical fruity... still can't place it. Kinda Pina Colada, but not quite.
So I walk in the door after working a little later than usual and look at the bed..... it's destroyed :)
The sheets and comforter are somewhere.... I know we soaked it in sweat, I laid in the world's biggest "wetspot" today. one of the pillows was so soaked that it changed color.
We were sticking together from the salt........
You'll be hard pressed to find a day that I would trade for today.
I hope we can start every week out like that........ and the best part... if she were here.... she would get at least one more
She came over... just me and her... for the first time here......
what we both thought would be an hour visit turned into...... hehe
The BEST MONDAY EVER.......
I'm still sticky with sweat; there was a little cheating with that, I can't really afford AC and the kids were here for three days this weekend and I kinda blew my electrical budget, so it was a little warm.
4 hours....not non-stop, but it was 4 hours of nakedness and cuddling and some hardcore "worthy of quality porn" type sex... a lot of that. I think we blew our own minds that we were capable of that.
Delores sent me an email that tallied the "damage", I'm still a little in awe of it... but I will toot my horn here and say that I DID GOOOOOD. I seriously did not know that many orgasms could happen in a DAY... much less 4 hours
Seriously, we were drunk afterwards. Stumbly, can't think straight... shit, I had trouble seeing straight. It only stopped because she insisted I go to work. I had trouble pushing the gas peddle down my legs were so weak... and I'm not exactly a frail person.
She smelled so good too, kinda tropical fruity... still can't place it. Kinda Pina Colada, but not quite.
So I walk in the door after working a little later than usual and look at the bed..... it's destroyed :)
The sheets and comforter are somewhere.... I know we soaked it in sweat, I laid in the world's biggest "wetspot" today. one of the pillows was so soaked that it changed color.
We were sticking together from the salt........
You'll be hard pressed to find a day that I would trade for today.
I hope we can start every week out like that........ and the best part... if she were here.... she would get at least one more
Fathers Day
The day doesn't mean as much to me as Mothers Day means to Mothers.
I guess because it's still relatively new for me and not a lot of good things have happened in the days surrounding.
It's just another Sunday to me.
Last year, I did get the results of the paternity test on the thursday leading up..... That was kind of difficult knowing that was coming for three weeks. Thursday, 10:30 pm.... 3 days before Fathers Day, I found out if I was going to be celebrating or if someone else got to have his first...
I think it took it's toll on me and I have to think about tit as just another day
I guess because it's still relatively new for me and not a lot of good things have happened in the days surrounding.
It's just another Sunday to me.
Last year, I did get the results of the paternity test on the thursday leading up..... That was kind of difficult knowing that was coming for three weeks. Thursday, 10:30 pm.... 3 days before Fathers Day, I found out if I was going to be celebrating or if someone else got to have his first...
I think it took it's toll on me and I have to think about tit as just another day
Thursday, June 18, 2009
122
that's the number of emails that Delores and I have exchanged in the past 24 hours...
one string is at 98. I was hoping for 100 tonight, but she wasn't feeling to good today, and even had to go to the hospital last night.....
I'll take 122 :)
one string is at 98. I was hoping for 100 tonight, but she wasn't feeling to good today, and even had to go to the hospital last night.....
I'll take 122 :)
Windfall
The boss called.
Someone is leaving our sales team and his customers are being divided up amongst the 3 that work in those areas.
I'm one of them. He was checking to see if my non-compete agreement was up with the previous company. It is
I will be taking on a load next week of existing customers, which is more difficult than building them from scratch. You need to get used to a whole different system and each customer has their own way of doing things....... so lets just add to the stress level some.... but the money is going to nice :) and I can drop some of the crappy ones I've been dealing with just to keep my numbers up. the ones that kinda make the small things into big things and can ruin your whole day.
This is going to be fun... especially the money part
Someone is leaving our sales team and his customers are being divided up amongst the 3 that work in those areas.
I'm one of them. He was checking to see if my non-compete agreement was up with the previous company. It is
I will be taking on a load next week of existing customers, which is more difficult than building them from scratch. You need to get used to a whole different system and each customer has their own way of doing things....... so lets just add to the stress level some.... but the money is going to nice :) and I can drop some of the crappy ones I've been dealing with just to keep my numbers up. the ones that kinda make the small things into big things and can ruin your whole day.
This is going to be fun... especially the money part
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Fuck her
Ex keeps calling to ask for more money..
The $2000 vet bill for her dog... not her responsibility because she moved
The HOA dues.... not her responsibility because she moved
The electric bill from the house to keep it maintained while it sold..not her responsibility because she moved
The time off work I took to clean and get the dog out for showings...not her responsibility because she moved
The kids furniture that she has that is on my credit card.....not her responsibility because we're divorced
The dog expenses......
Her car insurance for 6 months
The fucking entertainment center I got jammed with
My Sequoia that she traded in and kept all the money
My gas for nearly 200 miles to pick them up, plus time off work, because she leaves them at school and takes off for vacation.... twice a month.
the "babysitting" I take on so she doesn't have to pay a sitter... only costs me $30 in gas to and from her mom's.. it's nice to have the kids a little more, but her mom won't budge as long as it costs me
The fucked up holiday arrangements...... I get the kids when it's convenient for her family
The birthdays.... I'm not allowed
"I need more money".....
"I don't have it"
"You need to make more"...
Fuck her... I'm so sick of hearing it...........................
The $2000 vet bill for her dog... not her responsibility because she moved
The HOA dues.... not her responsibility because she moved
The electric bill from the house to keep it maintained while it sold..not her responsibility because she moved
The time off work I took to clean and get the dog out for showings...not her responsibility because she moved
The kids furniture that she has that is on my credit card.....not her responsibility because we're divorced
The dog expenses......
Her car insurance for 6 months
The fucking entertainment center I got jammed with
My Sequoia that she traded in and kept all the money
My gas for nearly 200 miles to pick them up, plus time off work, because she leaves them at school and takes off for vacation.... twice a month.
the "babysitting" I take on so she doesn't have to pay a sitter... only costs me $30 in gas to and from her mom's.. it's nice to have the kids a little more, but her mom won't budge as long as it costs me
The fucked up holiday arrangements...... I get the kids when it's convenient for her family
The birthdays.... I'm not allowed
"I need more money".....
"I don't have it"
"You need to make more"...
Fuck her... I'm so sick of hearing it...........................
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