God, Country, Corps

I have no idea how to leave someone who needs help.
I don't understand running from danger, I've always ran to it.
I don't comprehend picking on the weak and defenseless.... I fought for them
And I don't know how to quit. Even when I want to, when I'm at my darkest, some glimmer of hope shines in and completely renews my strength. And it always comes from the least likely place. And sometimes, it comes from me.

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow

I really had thought yesterday was going to be celebrated much differently. Much differently. Especially months and months ago.

Today, something kinda good happened but that needs to wait till tomorrow to see.

And tomorrow, I am terrified. Completely terrified. Something is wrong with Delores and I am scared about what it is.
I want to help and I have, but I want to be the one to always help and that, that still has a wait involved.

I dont know

I really don't know what i would do if it is over.
I don't like the thought of her not in my life again. She was gone for so long and I couldn't forget then, I know for a fact that I can't ever forget now.

And the memories are all around me so even that attempt would be futile.

I don't think it is over, at least I hope. I keep hearing my friend's voice in my head over and over again. What he said to me when this first started

"Be patient.... stay calm and be patient"

Maybe it is some space she needs to sort it out still. We talked about it several times before. Distancing some. I was prepared to step back if she did move out, to let her experience the world as a single woman because it is pretty much necessary if there was going to be any hope for a future together.

I don't know where I stand for the first time in all this. I keep waffling back and forth about asking, and then I realize I don't want to know. If there were no feelings anymore, I'm sure she would tell me, so I don't think that's it. I don't know if I'm going to make it through this mess I'm in and I wonder sometimes if that could be it; that I'm not the great catch that I was before because I have been getting down and negative recently, when I was positive person even through some rough times.

I just don't know any more.

I do know that I think about her a lot and still hope
I know that she still thinks about me.
I know that we have been through a lot of shit the past several months
I know that I want her to be happy.
I know that the signs keep coming for me to hold out hope
I know that I am scared shitless at the thought of losing her again

The thought that hurts the most

I have several ideas about what is going on. Several..

They all keep coming to me at different times and each is supported with plenty of evidence and quite a bit of intuition.

There is one that frightens me the most, and I have asked this directly before.

But I need to try and banish it now so here it is:

The thrill is over for her. We got busted back in March. Not long after, is when things started to change.
I did, I asked if that was the reason. That the thrill of running around was over because it was out in the open.
It was no longer exciting to be with me because there was not as much "Danger" in getting caught.

It scares the shit out of me because that would mean I was flat out lied to and have been lied to this entire time, and that all these feelings that I thought were there actually weren't.


that is the one that scares me.

There are several more ideas and theories about why she is treating me the way she is and I hope that it is one of these others. I really, really hope that is the case, and that I haven't been clinging to a lie for nearly a year.

A couple weeks ago, she asked me not to say goodbye, so I don't think that there is a complete loss of feelings and that there is still the same small hope that has been there.

If this one is the case, that there really are no feelings at all, that all I was was a thrill ride, she needs to tell me that it is over. That there is no hope whatsoever.

If she is testing her true feelings for me, needing space to still sort things out, getting adjusted to working again, and a few other thoughts.... that I can live with. That I can do

There is one thing that I am kind of sure of but not ready to know yet; she has another someone on the side

The Lottery

Has anyone ever asked you what you would do if you won the Lottery? Of course someone has, or you have thought about it.

My answer, out loud and to myself has always been "I don't know"

I really didn't know until a few minutes ago.

If I won the lottery and didn't have to worry about money anymore, I would go to school.

Thats been the biggest hindrance in my life; no degree. No one cares about the 8 years of service to the nation

And so it begins

My little girl has her first organized sporting event tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m.

Soccer.

I knew that the time was a possibility and the only drawback is that I need to leave at 7:00 for the 2 hr drive to go watch it and my weekends will be cut short by a day for the next few months.

Ex and I discussed it when she expressed an interest, so the rule is that she needs to finish the season if she doesnt like it. Thats all. Don't have to play next year, just finish out the 6 weekends.

It just makes more sense that I miss a day on 3 visits because of that drive. The kids will come back with me on my saturdays, but i'm not going to tell her "No, that's daddy's day". I miss a few overnights, if she likes it, we will encourage more athletics that she may be interested in. (she gets those genes from me, hehehe). And I will be at every one of them.

I also get to meet the boyfriend tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. If anything, to get it that much more behind me. I've been told he is nervous. Theres no reason for it. He made the move that he knew would require me meeting him; he's moving in with Ex and my kids, and I think its next weekend while I have them.

Delores, if you are reading this, congratulations, again. I am VERY happy for you :)
I won't steal your thunder

Damn....8 years already

8 years ago, in about 2 hours, I was sitting with a customer, regional manager in tow, when the first plane hit the towers. We ended the meeting and watched the news. I got to watch the second plane impact in real time.

We ended the day then and there and I took manger back to his hotel after offering up my house for him to stay in because no one knew what the overall affect was going to be.

I walked in the door... shit, I only had one foot in and Ex (we weren't even married at the time) was glued to the couch watching all the news reports.

First words to me, one foot in the door were "You are going NOWHERE!!!"

I had already formulated a plan to get back to active duty; I was in the reserves at the time. So that idea was squashed.

When the phone lines were turned back on, I made a call that not a lot of people got to make. I called my old Master Sgt.

"Hows it going Top?"

"How the fuck do you think it's going?"

"What's our response?"

" you know I can't tell you that, especially over an unsecured line"

" is it hot on the tarmac?"

" hehehehe, yes it is"

I missed it. A LOT. I knew who was going, where they were staged, who was already wheels up, and who was getting ready to load. It was my old unit. THE 911 force of the United States.

My mom's friend said it best when she was in a conversation with them about how I was handling it.

"He's probably foaming at the mouth"

Yup, pretty much

Appointment set

I set an appointment with a bankruptcy attorney just now.......
the Monday before my birthday.
I'm curious what other crushing blows are going to fall on me that weekend.

$17,500

I just applied for a $17,500 loan and I have no income. For the employer section, I put in "unemployed".

If I didn't fill it out, the bank was going to sue me for $130,000 and evict the people that bought my house, who in turn, would hit me for almost half a million......

Something has got to give... something.
ANYTHING!!!!

Stolen status

I stole a status from FB and put it here. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

It was.

I took it off. I don't know if it's perfect anymore. It might be, it might not.

I don't know. I just don't know anymore

We haven't been talking much. She's been busy at work and I wanted to give her some space for a multitude of reasons:
She needs to concentrate on work
I need to concentrate on getting my fucked up situation straightened out... which is not looking good on all fronts.

Mostly, there has been a change over the past few months; a change in the way she talks to me, acts towards me. I asked what was going on and she told me her reasons why and it makes sense, but there is something else missing from the equation; it's not adding up.

There is a question that has been burning in me the past few weeks

I need to ask.......I need to ask...... I just can't yet.

Its not a choice, but it is something I would like to know

So Delores, if you are reading this, don't ask me what it is because I can't ask just yet. I know you will tell me if I ask and I'm afraid of the answer and I'm not ready to hear it yet but it is important in the OG/Delores saga.

What makes it worse, a friend turned me on to this demotivational poster website... they were funny as hell..... until I got to this one

The interview that never happened

I wish it had. It would have been fun. I have had these questions for a pretty long time now and I said I would answer them. About a week ago, it started to bug me that I hadn't done it yet. I have no idea why, but I kept getting this irresistible urge to do it..... so here it is

Why are you sitting with me today?

I’m not and wish I was.

Explain the kind of role you are looking for

I’m looking for something that involves companionship, teamwork. Not necessarily at all times, but the kind of role that requires people to work together to achieve a common goal, while still allowing room for individual development

What are your desired hours?

I think 23 hrs per day is enough, everyone should have at least an hour to themselves everyday

In a previous similar role, what did you like, what did you not like?

In a previous role, I can honestly say that there was not much I did like. There was too much one sidedness to it. A lot of take and not much give. Sacrifice was expected at every decision, but that sacrifice was always expected from me. That left some bitterness towards that employer, but because of the investments I had made in that company, I still need communicate with them and I am still expected to make the same sacrifices, more now as a matter of fact

Tell me about your typical day in this role.

Well that would depend on the day and working arrangements at the time. Could you please elaborate? Because it could involve starting off with phone and email communications, or an in person meeting. The entire day would work from those starting points

What are your best attributes? (physical, non-physical)

Physical: I would have to say my hands

Non physical: the ability to empathize

What do you see are opportunities for improvement in you and how it relates to the role you are seeking?

There is always room for self improvements, from better communication skills, like listening instead of talking, to self evaluation and looking around how to do something better, and asking questions.

How much travel are you willing to do?

I like traveling. I’m pretty efficient at it. So I guess the answer would be “as much as needed”

Describe your ideal girlfriend

A little shorter than me. A preference for brunettes who don’t feel the need to spend hours getting ready to go anywhere. Soft, doe like eyes and a sweet, kind exterior demeanor with an internal wild side. An appreciation for nice things but doesn’t need them to survive. Must be able to give me honest feedback about my cooking. And not only like children, but work well with them: I come with two

Give me an example of a challenge we might face and how you would help overcome it.

Money is always the first thing that comes to mind when dealing in a relationship. The lack of communication about spending habits, the impulse desires, the lack of patience in a large decision or at least one that can affect someone else.

Open, honest communication is the answer to just about everything, be it a problem or preventing one. And at times, personal sacrifice.

I will cite this example: I wanted laser eye surgery after dealing with glasses and contacts for over 20 yrs. There was a discussion about how much it would cost and money was earmarked each month and put away. One day, Ex asked if she could go to the beach with our little girl for a week and just have some mommy/daughter time over the 4^th of July. She had time off that needed to be used and I had to work plus was dealing with my dad estate stuff. I would go down for the weekend. I thought it was a good idea.

She spent my eye surgery money to finance it. Knew what it was for, knew that it was something that I really wanted, but the week at the beach was more important. I didn’t know that was what happened until I asked to schedule the consult and was told the money was gone. It was my fault apparently because I said it was ok. I definitely would have had a different opinion had I known what the plan was. I may have even had some suggestions for alternatives.

I don’t know if that answers you question

Do you prefer to do things alone or as a team? Give example.

I like both as a matter of fact. When something is difficult, teams I think are best. You have different views and ideas towards a solution and someone to, for lack of a better term, “share the pain with”. Things always seem less difficult when it is shared with someone.

Some tasks don’t require assistance or may even require specialized skills of an individual, but I do enjoy teaching things that can be done alone.. Like washing the car. I have a blast with my daughter when we do it together. It takes a lot longer, but we have fun and she is learning and asking questions. I hope that never leaves her

If you could be an actor, what movie character would you be and why?

I really don’t know

If I were to cook you dinner for your birthday, what would you ask for, considering my cooking skills?

If you were to cook me dinner, I would ask you to surprise me. You have an idea of the types of food I like. All I would ask is that you challenge yourself when you do it. Not to be afraid of it being great or awful or mediocre. But to take on something that you haven’t done before. I would eat it no matter what and I know it would be good because in that situation, it really is the thought that counts.

I didn’t learn to cook by making everything great; there have been some pretty bad things to come from my kitchen

What book has impacted you the most?

White Fang…. Jack London

Why do you like your favorite movie genre?

I like mindless comedies the most because they are mindless. You see other people in ridiculous situations that you are so happy to not be in and it lets your mind escape for an couple hours

What has made you laugh so hard you peed your pants (or almost peed)?

When I put pulled bbq chicken on the toilet seat at work and the owner walked in the bathroom and came right back out completely pale and unable to speak

What is your most embarrassing moment?

To many to really pinpoint one

Do you want this job? Why? Why might you not want this job?

Of course I want this job. I could not imagine a more fulfilling opportunity. A chance to share a life with a person whom you can literally feel even over long distances. Being able to look at someone and know what they are thinking has quite a few positives. The common interests are plenty with enough differences to keep things interesting and the conversation moving. I keep imagining even the mundane task of cooking dinner together as being a lot of fun.

I cannot think of a time in two decades that I didn’t want it

Do you prefer to be on top or on bottom and why?

Really does depend, Top for power and physical prowess, bottom for submission and to “take a break”... but you know that we have never had any issues with either

Intuition

Really sucks sometimes

Theory and the linchpin

the·o·ry (th-r, thîr)

n. pl. the·o·ries

1. A set of statements or principles devised to explain a group of facts or phenomena, especially one that has been repeatedly tested or is widely accepted and can be used to make predictions about natural phenomena.

2. The branch of a science or art consisting of its explanatory statements, accepted principles, and methods of analysis, as opposed to practice: a fine musician who had never studied theory.

3. A set of theorems that constitute a systematic view of a branch of mathematics.

4. Abstract reasoning; speculation: a decision based on experience rather than theory.

5. A belief or principle that guides action or assists comprehension or judgment: staked out the house on the theory that criminals usually return to the scene of the crime.

6. An assumption based on limited information or knowledge; a conjecture.

Over the past few days, I have developed a few theories.. All based on the information as I know it. Theories are disproved everyday when new facts come to light or they are tested. Everyday.

I can only build mine on what I have and what I know. A few I don't like, a few I do. As new facts come out, I can eliminate some and redesign others.

There is a linchpin that these are riding on. One key piece of information that will eliminate some and strengthen others.

That linchpin is feelings.

Strange.....

That was weird... cant really explain it... but that was just a...... well... strange feeling.
Not good, not bad...just...... different.

I miss her so much

It's indescribable. It really is.
My thoughts are constantly turning her way.

I miss the look on her face, the way she smiles.
I miss the feeling I get when I see her.
I miss those butterflies on the drive or during the wait.... you know, that anticipation as it builds.

I have started to take a pretty heavy beating lately, getting pushed down pretty low and that has started to cause me to get a little negative. Nothing has gone right at all and it just keeps getting worse.
It makes me miss her even more, because when I'm done getting dragged through the days shit pile, that's it. All that's left is the wait for the next dragging to start.

I fantasize still about it actually ending up the two of us. Being able to share the day, good or bad. I think about what it would feel like to call and say "hey, lets do dinner" or "lets meet up for one or two at happy hour". Even the far fetched one that she would come over and just sit with me and let me lay my head down on her lap and let me look up at her.

Its getting harder and harder to describe because I'm starting to close myself off from the world, from feelings. I'm starting to turn into my dad, and that is a frightening thought.... those parallels are just to much. So the gym it is... that's the fix I need... get the exercise going again..

But I miss her so. There was a time that I had taught myself that she didn't want anything to do with me. That's how I dealt with it and even then, a week didn't go by that I didn't think about her; what was she doing?, where was she?, was she happy?.... did she think about me at all?
Now, now I don't know how to do it. I was so close....so close. and then not and then again, and then not.
It hurts. I miss her so much that it hurts.