Theme music

"Every good hero should have some"

If you've seen I'm Gonna Get You Sucka', you would know what I was getting at.

I'm laying here AGAIN on makeshift bed with literally nothing except a pot to piss in, a router and a modem. Oh, and a vacuum because I need to clean the place.

I'm so jacked up that I can't sleep again and I was thinking of what Delores and mine's theme music would be if I could have a wish come true.

I started Googling and came across a few things. None of them will allow embedding but I can supply the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpT-FW_G8-A

This is what I hope our theme music becomes.

Not being a fan of this type of music, I had not noticed until now, a STRIKING resemblance of Delores to this performer. Now' I know she'll dispute this, but the hair, the eyes (not the color, but close), the ears, the eyebrows (why I noticed that....beyond me). But the one that hit me the most was the smile. It may sound strange, but all I see is Delores in this video. I really do. And I hope I am hearing " Our Song"

Camping....kinda

SO here I am on my makeshift bed in the family room. I'm so fucking tired that I can't sleep.
I am. I am worn out but have been running so hard on adrenalin that I need to come down before I can sleep.

I wish Delores was here. I think she would get a kick out of this. I found the foam mattress pad that was on the queen bed I used to sleep on in the spare room. For some reason it, didn't make one of the trips to the new place. So I have it on the floor, covered with the blue blanket that she used to dissolve her smell into. It would smell sooooo good and give me good dreams. It was a mixture of her shampoo and lotion (and I think soap, she tried to pinpoint it one day, but we never could figure it out)

I think she would have fun, laying here on the floor on this pad, in the giant family room with the stone fireplace. It's pretty much my last night here.

She and I have been together in many houses. Her parents house, HER house, my dad's house, my first "non-parental" house, and this one...mine.

She's seen the apartment briefly while under renovation....I hope we get to make some memories there. Real ones. Not like the quick kiss we snuck in the apartment, but the ones that I need to try to pack and take with me from here. And some new, better ones

Moving Day Extension

It appears that this will be more of a moving weekend. The so-called help never materialized except one. We took care of the MAJOR heavy shit. Just the two of us. A few neighbors came over this afternoon and gave a hand with the last second stuff to go in boxes but there are still two or three things I will need a hand with on this second load. I AM EXHAUSTED.

I'm gonna keep plugging away at it for a little bit and then call it a night. I get to stay in the old house because I'm not completely done yet and my jackass boss is requiring my team to come into the office at 10:00 am Sunday. He knows I'm moving. No one else needs to go in. WTF? He said it will only take a few hours.

Since old house is 15 minutes closer than new place, I'm staying here on the floor tonight.

Moving Day

It's finally here. The truck is in the driveway. I'm packing the last minute stuff. Help is coming in the morning to load the heavy things.
I guess this is the start of the New Beginning
My New Beginning

Mental Image

I wonder if she and I are who you all think we are.

I am curious as to what is the mental image that has developed in every ones mind.

Do you realize that I could be the guy at the stoplight next to you?. I could also be that friendly person at happy hour that struck up a conversation with you. I could be the guy you see twice a week at work because, well, you work for one of my customers.

You could have been sitting next to Delores during one of her visits to Panera. She could be the person in line in front of you at the grocery store.

You may have even seen us at lunch yesterday. But would you have been able to put it all together? I doubt it. The world is just to big.

If you were there and saw us kissing in the parking lot, would you have thought "OMG!!!! That's OG and Delores", or would you have thought that it looks like two people who really love each other.

You all have developed some mental image as to what we look like. I have a feeling that you are all wrong. One of my most favorite things that I have heard since this all started. When we were at the hotel bar months ago.

"You two are a beautiful couple"

That came from the bartender who had known us all of 30 seconds

A dose of Delores

I woke very late. around 10:00. I should have been gone already.

In my inbox was "I'm going to lunch at [ a restaurant not to far from my house]

I asked what time. over an hour later, I got a response of "Now"

I jumped in the shower and raced over there. All I intended to do was send a text to her and walk by the table and smile. I hadn't seen her in two weeks.

Instead, she waves me over, introduces me to her friend, who happens to know the story. We all talked for a little bit. Not about what she and I were doing, but about normal conversational shit.

Then she and I sat in her car and talked. Some about what was going on, some of what I did last night, some about my friend. But I got to see her.

I also got to kiss her.

And I feel REAL good right now. I think I'm addicted to her

My opinion of DH

Control
That's all he cares about is control

I had to calm down about this before I wrote it. I read her blog again and got fired up, and I mean FIRED UP. I gave myself the day to calm down and be rational.

Based on the information that I have, from her, that's what is top in his mind.

Being able to control someone.

Past and current behavior all points to it. He has attacked all her weak points and got the result he wants, regardless of what a lawyer would say.

He wants control and now that he has it, he will take more drastic measures to keep it. Now I'm really worried

30 minutes of music

So...last night, I'm sitting in crappy 80's music bar and I decided to do something. I looked at the clock, and for 30 minutes I wrote down every song I could hear. The music was turned down and was difficult to make out but I thought it would be an interesting experiment.
What I could make out in 30 minutes:

• From a Distance- Bette Midler
• Mad about you- Belinda Carlisle
• Forever and for always- Shania Twain
• You've got a friend- James Taylor
• Forever Young- Rod Stewart
• I'm Yours- Jason Mraz
• Shattered (Turn the car around)- OAR
• Heaven- Bryan Adams
• The last one...as time ran out....Bleeding Love

There it is. 30 minute snapshot of last night

Another storm's a comin'

I can feel another onslaught coming. The shit seems to hit the fan in large groups with me. And I can feel it starting. There are always signs. I wish I didn't know sometimes.

My remaining dog is starting to show the signs of her age. She has reached the "normal" limits for her breed. I am now counting the days to where I have to make a quality of life decision.

I have received notices that 4 of my credit cards have been canceled by the provider. Three of them I didn't even know I still had, but my AMEX was canceled due to "to many inquiries" the past 12 months. All I've done is buy a car. They wont even discuss it with me because I don't have an active account.

The apt is STILL is not ready.

Delores is starting to add a signature to her increasingly rarer emails. Not always, but she is obviously trying to separate herself more. Soon there will be none and I will not know when or if I will hear from her again.

I made the mistake of reading her blog today and realized that the gut feeling I got on Sat was justified. I am losing her. I have no way to "fight back". I am getting the feeling that she doesn't want me to. That she wants me to give up.
It's not in my nature though. The kid she knew would; he would move on to easier game. Probably would have a few months ago. Not this man, he will see this through to the end.
I told her I would be here, as long as she'll have me. And until she says it, and MEANS it, I'm sticking around.

And what makes it harder; the signs keep coming. Everything that comes at me tells me to wait. All this weekend, even today, they keep saying "Wait".
I have to, I owe to myself. I just hope I can make it through this next storm

Not without a fight

I said that. I said that I would not lose her again, not without a fight.

But how do I go about that fight? She isn't a prize to be won. She's not a trophy to put on the mantle for show and brag about.

She's a person with thoughts and feelings who really does deserve better than what she has.

Months ago, I had the opportunity, with a few well chosen words, to get her to leave DH. But that reason would have been "for me". That was the wrong reason. She had said that she was going to leave for me.
While I believe that I am a better option, she needs to leave for herself, for her reasons; because she's not happy. (and I don't think that he will be able to make her happy). I told her that.

I have tried to stay as "noble" as possible and keep only to the facts. I have pointed out his shortcomings and the things he has done to get us to where we are today, but that just seems "wrong". Like I am in some mudslinging campaign that politicians do.
But what else can I do?

The big concern I have is the threats he makes. It has proven to work. She says she wants to leave, now he knows all he needs to do is threaten to take the kid, or kill himself, or tell her parents. He knows she'll fold. That button is there now and all he has to do is push it to get what he wants. Who knows what other threats he's made.

How do I fight that? I'm not him. I even try to not give her any direct advice. I put my thoughts and feelings here because that's what this is for.

How do I fight a fight that I am restricted in? I really believe I am better than he is, but how do I keep it up without stooping to a low? How do I do this?
I have always been a man of action and the lack of it is driving me nuts.

I will not lose her, not without a fight, not again. But how? I got some thinking to do

Loser

25 yrs in athletics, I have never won a championship or recognition. Defensive statistics for football in my county that tracked the top 12, I was always 13. I was the nose tackle and our linebackers were no.1 and no.2. Didn't matter that the triple teams I took got them those slots. Seeded no. 1 for lacrosse, injuries killed us, namely my own broken ankle at the beginning of the season. I busted my ass and started varsity football in high school as a sophomore; inside linebacker and offensive guard. If you were to meet me, you'd laugh, but I was that good. I'm 5'9" and NOW 200 lbs. We lost every game that year. The JV, lost 1. The guys still say that if I was on that team, we would have gone perfect.
I threw lacrosse tryouts to stay on JV that year. We had a shot at a perfect season. I didn't stop the goal with 5 seconds left that cost us that season and the championship. All I had to do was hit the guy and even take the penalty. I failed. Same thing happened senior year.
In the Marine Corps, we were defending our title for the third year in a row and the season was interrupted by a combat deployment. I lost so much weight in that friggin outdoor sauna that I was "ineffective" at my position when the season resumed when we got back. We lost that title.

The only thing that I have ever won was my son. Against all odds. All the math, all the counting, everything. There was no way he was mine. I never gave up that hope. Never gave up. I did contemplate what I would do if he wasn't mine, but I still never gave up. I won. And there was nothing I could do from the time I was told "I don't know" to "He's yours". Nothing I could do but wait. No action I could have taken would have done anything to the outcome. My involvement was inconsequential.

I feel like I'm there again now, and in some ways, I am.

That first day

I don't think I'll ever forget that first day she came over. I was so excited, so nervous.

I was cleaning up the house and had figured she would be here around 10:30. We were both wrong about the drive time and she was early. I was at the store getting some cleaning supplies when my phone rang and an unfamiliar number was on it, but I knew it was her. I didn't expect to hear "we're here"....OH SHIT, and I'm NOT there. I was across the street so of course I just bought what I had and was out of there and back at the house in 5 minutes.

I had butterflies dancing in my stomach as I turned onto my street. My house was the 4th and the street curves to the left so I couldn't see my house until I was next door.

There she was, sitting on MY lawn, playing with her son. She didn't see me (I don't think) until I got closer and rolled down the window to apologize. But she was really there and I was VERY nervous now. The first thing I noticed was that she hadn't changed. Not at all. Well there were two things that had changed, she had "developed" a little more since I had seen her last and I will NEVER complain about that :) .

I wonder what my face looked like? We were both wearing sunglasses at the time, but there was an electricity, a wave that hit. She came in my house, MY HOUSE. and met the dog and saw the piles of beer bottles in the recycling bin.

And I couldn't relax. I had to keep moving because I couldn't believe she was here, and there was something that I needed to say. She even asked if i could sit still and I said no. It was hard. But I was able to give them the grand tour of the place and kinda explain what it looked like when there was furniture in every room.

Luckily, the realization that the crib needed to be re-sized for her son if he needed to take a nap, so I grabbed some tools and we went upstairs to drop the mattress down. That was the distraction I needed to to be able to focus on what I had to say. "I owe you an apology".

I also explained that there was a letter that would have been delivered many years ago if I had not returned from one of my "adventures" that basically said the same thing that I was saying.
I had never forgotten her.

I could finally relax. Her son decided he wanted a nap and didn't even complain about it. According to her, he went down early

And we sat on that couch and just looked at each other. She told me what she had done the past decade and a half. But not stories, more a brief "I did this, I worked here, I lived there". I just looked at her. I couldn't believe it. Not in a hundred billion, million years would I have ever thought that she would be sitting on my couch. I did say, "Not a week has gone by, the past 17 years that I have not thought of you". I meant it

Its an L shaped sectional and rather large and we got to a point that we were each laying on one angle, facing each other at the corner, just inches apart. Trying to make small talk but more, just looking at each other. She glowed. I'm sure we both had huge grins because I know she did. She even cried at one point. And got mad because she doesn't cry. But we were both hit by a HUGE wave at that first meeting. We even talked about that wave and what we were feeling.

Sitting there on the couch, looking at each other, feeling each other, not saying much, but saying everything at the same time, "Are we really going to do this?" and she nodded with a smile and said "Yeah, I think so"

And we did. We ended up upstairs in my room, the first time the two of us had ever been together on a king bed. It was intense and sweaty, and semi vigorous and lasted a good hour and some change. There were "I love you"'s and orgasms and "Oh God"'s. It was ripped right out of some romantic tale of star-crossed lovers that you see in the movies. We were living it.

I remember laying on her with my chin on her chest, looking up in her eyes. "I have ALWAYS loved you". I had. She told me the same.
The feelings had always been there. Why did it take so long to get here? I don't know, but we're here now.

We went back downstairs and had a smoke and talked and looked at each other and kissed and spent time. Just time with each other. It was wonderful. I can feel that day more than I can remember it.

Her son took a five hour nap that day. She had never seen him do that. I have two kids and have never seen that. We checked on him twice.

And as intense as that day was, each visit got more and more so. Emotionally more than physically. Still, right now, as I sit here putting this down, I would want nothing more than to have her presence and be able to look at her and see her smile.

I worry

I worry about her. I worry a lot.
I think its mainly because I can feel her at times.
I had a feeling in my gut all day yesterday that something was wrong. Then she tells me about the arguments. Now I know that my "feeling" was justified

I worry that she's going to crack. To break under the strain.

She said he wouldn't hurt her physically, but I can't help but worry about that.

I worry that she is getting enough rest. I worry about the pills and that she may go a little overboard in an effort to relax.
I worry that her blood pressure and heart condition, combined with the stress will cause a problem.

I worry about her. I always will now.
I worry and there is nothing I can do about it except wait

Courage

I was sitting here putting together something about being lovesick when Delores sent me an email that she and DH had been fighting all day about me.. He knows she is still in contact with me, and apparently he wants to strangle me, and may call.

I'll answer.

I'm not being cocky, I'm just not a coward. I'll stand my ground for what I believe in. I won't say things that she doesn't want me to say.. I'll answer his questions that pertain to me, but I won't answer for her, not here, not to him.

I have seen a lot of shit in my life and some time back, a friend had said that they would have been scared to do some of the things I have done; that they didn't have the courage to do it.

Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the ability to do what must be done in the face of fear.
To be afraid, yet still carry out the mission because it has a greater importance.
Ask any military veteran who has seen action and ask them if they were afraid; if they say no, they are lying. If you hear "sometimes", they were there to long. I'm one of them.

I know he's not going to strangle me, I'll defend myself. I know he wants to. I do. Thats what sucks the most about this...I know how he feels. Or at least I used to know.

I've put my situation behind me and started to look beyond it. It's not worth holding onto that anger. But, of course, I'm divorced and need to move past it. It's been nearly a year and I need to plan a 1st birthday party with Ex

Cake Faces

It's still funny

She's Back

Delores emailed me that she had reactivated her Facebook account. I was kind of excited as I raced home the other day, but I did half expect to see what I saw; We are no longer FB friends. I knew there was a reason and of course there are several of them.
One of her friends had figured it out, plus she has told a few, there are mutual friends that we have told and been out with and the temptation to publicly interact is difficult. There is (or at least was) a mystery emailer sending messages to DH that our "romance" was all over FB (which is a crock).

I'm sure that there are other reasons, I may have hit it here, I may not have, but I'm not really concerned.
I am curious about one thing; at one point, she and I had 8 mutual friends, now we have 5. I have figured out who two of the missing ones are; My bro and and old, old friend of mine that she had contacted for business purposes a few months ago. I cannot for the life of me figure out the last one.
Not really all that concerned about that either.

I'm just happy that her picture is back in my inbox on a message I've saved and that the prom pic that she posted is back in my photo's. It's not like I don't communicate with her outside of FB and......us NOT being friends keeps me from tooling around on there anyway.

Chat

God we like to talk, Delores and me. I mean to each other

I love hearing from her, and I'm sure she likes hearing from me. Between the phone calls, the texting, the face to face conversation, the IM chatting and the email, we have communicated a lot. And I mean A LOT.

Just in Nov and part of Dec, 1475 email exchanges. Seriously. How many people can say that? Now, that number has to be pushing 10,000. Just email.

Countless texts.

IM chatting? Hours upon hours. Last night was 3 hours. It runs about that in the evenings usually.
We used to start the day with brief chat conversations and it was a great way to start the day. It always put me in a good mood. We did it again this morning. Brief? Usually an hour. But it makes for a hell of a productive day for me.

Of all the obstacles that she and I face in the future, I don't think that communication is going to be one of them.

The Baby

She has commented on it here, and mentioned it several times on her blog.
We had a baby.

End of Nov and beginning of Dec, Delores was having pains and some bleeding and finally went to the doctor after nearly a week. I, of course, was concerned and asked her to let me know what was going on.
Later that day, she texted "they say i'm miscarrying!"

"It's possible"

"I just can't believe it"

"I didn't want to worry u, but it crossed my mind"

"I can't believe this. How? U pulled"

"Yes, but it is possible, especially second time"

The second time we were together. I think that's when it happened. Delores decided to show off a new (to me) oral skill that she had learned and took it all the way. Then the sexual escapades continued. I think that's when it happened; a little residual was left and she got pregnant.

No baby is insignificant and no child is more important than another, but this one, for us, was a turning point.

I had thought that I was SOOO damaged by Ex that I would always assume that my name and baby mentioned in the same sentence would start some "are you sure its mine?" type of reaction.
It didn't. I got a little down. I had lost a child with the woman I love.

I will only speak for her because she has said it herself:

She realized that she DOES want another kid, just not with DH.

We both learned that we do want things from life and that we weren't as fucked up as we thought.

The incident is a distant memory now, and it was for the best at the time. It really was. Because as she has told me, if she was to have my baby, it should be something to be celebrated and not to be ashamed of.
I still think of what could have been sometimes; she was definitely a little girl, with her mothers mouth, and nose, and legs, and ears. She would have had my eyes and face. Delores says she would have red curly hair.
Maybe someday

Just one of many

Delores has many physical features that I like. Her eyes, her hair, her legs. But one of my favorites is her mouth. And for you gutter minded people, THAT is not the reason (even though that is pretty impressive).Its the shape. The shape of her lips. The way they are not overly plump and pouty. A little thin. They way they can pull back into a beautiful smile.I have for years compared that mouth to others. I never did find an equal.

More about that call

A few other things about that call.
I was in an area that my phone has NEVER worked. Not for a four mile radius from where I was standing. NEVER. I have been yelled at by my boss for not answering when I am there, because I never got the call.
The signal was clear as day. Hasn't been since. I guess it was only for those few minutes. I guess I was supposed to hear him say that to me. And the funny part, I've obeyed his wishes.
I have backed off some.
I do respect his family. I never didn't
Of course I'll let them sort their shit out.
And be patient???? Nearly 20 yrs man.....nearly 20 yrs.........

The Phone Call

I looked at the caller ID on my cell and didn't recognize the number . I knew who it was, I just knew it. Why? Because I could feel it.
He wasn't as "nasty" as you would expect. Firm in his tone but a little respectful.

" Hello"

"Is this OG?"

"Yes"

"This is DH, Delores' husband."

" How are you doing?"

" Listen, I know you were there the other night, I want you to back off some, respect my family and let Delores and me sort our shit out, just be patient"

"Hey, sure. I will be happy to talk to you about this, unfortunately, I'm at work with a customer right now. Seriously. I will talk to you, but this is really not a good time"

"When should I call back?"

" gimme two hours, max."

This was at 2:30.

That is not a transcript, but pretty much how it went.

What I didn't know was that she had told him already. I give the man some Kudos, because if I had the guy giving it to my wife on the phone within an hour of finding out, I would have behaved much, much differently. What I also didn't know, until Saturday, was that he had gone into Delores' FB and was looking at my page when she came home. That's how he got my number. He also would have looked at my all my pictures.
And I know exactly which one his eyes would have locked on first. An old one. 17 years old to be exact. The prom picture of Delores and me.
I'm sure that's when he saw red and called her with "We're getting divorced and I'm taking the kid".

Now, I have seen him in person, but he has never seen me. He's a big dude. But you can pretty well gauge a persons size if you place them next to a known constant. So he would have known I'm not the biggest guy in the world because here I was, next to someone that he has stood next to.
He's a pretty large, physically intimidating guy. So why was he relatively calm about it? Was it the other pictures on there that I know he saw?

I have some pictures of a tour I did in the Mid East showing some of what I used to do. Blowing crap up. It was obvious that I had been trained pretty well in the Marine Corps and may not be so subject to physical intimidation.

Was it my kids? I'm a father who loves his children and am constantly updating photos and videos of them. So did he think that maybe I'm not TOOO bad of a guy?

Was it the realization that she was unhappy and that there was really nothing he could do about it so maybe splitting up was the best choice?

I'm sure we will never know.

The other thing that has been bugging me, and I have asked Delores this a few times; How the fuck did he peg me? At the time I started actively participating on Facebook, Delores and I had been "friends" for some time, so there was no New Friend notification. I just had started using it after about 5 months with an open account. She had somewhere between 300 and 400 friends. Somehow, he pegged me. I'm not going to ask him that one either.

He still hasn't called back. Delores told me later that day that he probably won't. If he does. I'll answer. Why? The same reason I answered in the first place. I'm not going to hide

Wildest Dreams

So I'm at my watering hole and doing my normal Sunday kid drop off routine and the music comes on after all the March Madness madness is done on the tv's

....Moody Blues........Wildest Dreams.

I smiled. The same shitty place that tortured me with all that sucky 80's love song ballad crap that reminded me of Delores.......reminded me of Delores. In a different way.

Rewind to '92- the breakup. Well deserved, I will say.

But I never forgot her. Every time I heard this song, I couldn't help but think of her. It's the lyrics and they ring true. Always. I always wondered. In the deserts, in the jungles, in the bars, even laying next to my wife after she fell asleep, I wondered. And on that first day that she was here after all those years, I think I even said " I never thought, in my wildest dreams, that you would be sitting here"

"Your Wildest Dreams"

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Reflected in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you
Think about me
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

Once the world was new
Our bodies felt the morning dew
That greets the brand new day
We couldn't tear ourselves away
I wonder if you care
I wonder if you still remember
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when the words are
Touched with sorrow
When the music plays
I hear the sound
I had to follow
Once upon a time
Once beneath the stars
The universe was ours
Love was all we knew
And all I knew was you
I wonder if you know
I wonder if you think about it
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when the words are
Touched with sorrow
When the music plays
And when the music plays
I hear the sound
I had to follow
Once upon a time

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Mirrored in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you
Think about me
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams
In your wildest dreams
In your wildest dreams

Now I don't wonder, now I know

Chapter closed

I have a Sunday tradition. The Sunday's that I drop off the kids to Ex, I go to my watering hole and have dinner and a few beers.
The difference this time, I wasn't pissed off. I apologized to her for being an asshole the past few months. I told her I'm not angry anymore.
I'm not. I don't like how the situation was handled (maybe I'll fill you in on that at a later date); that will never go away. But I'm not angry anymore because, quite simply, we never should have married in the first place.
She gave me two wonderful, healthy, beautiful children that I love more than the world. But we still should never have married.

I fired off about 10 gigs of video she has never seen and blew up her inbox, some is to big to ever go. Guess I'll burn it to DVD. I'm putting together a list of ingredients to stock in her pantry so my little girl can cook for her. Well, make marinades and rubs. She's 4 and does it very well with really no instruction. Delores had her chicken marinade. Watched her make it and everything.

I have large containers of spices that I'll split up with Ex after I move. She'll have to come over and get it, but we'll arrange that surrounding a kid pick up. My Daughter would LOVE to see mommy and Daddy get along for once. AND get to take back stuff from daddy's house so she can show mommy what she can do. She really is very good at it.

That door is closed. On to the next

It's funny, but it's not

I keep hearing Delores saying something. When she was over yesterday, we talked about the "coincidental" things that had been happening the past few days. Then she mentioned something that made me grin a little. I do feel a little bad, only because I have been there but:

"Here's another coincidence, DH was flipping through the channels and every one of them was cheating this.....cheating that, then the Marines commercial came on"

She said he reacted with either a groan or an "oh shit". I can't remember which. He knows I'm a Marine.

Fate? A sign? Coincidence? Only Time will tell.

Dinner Rush

I am curious what was running through Delores' mind the night of the sleep over. Particularly during what can only be described as "The Dinner Rush". A preschooler and a toddler running around, a baby in the high chair, a grill going outside and multiple pans on the stove. She kept asking to help and I honestly had it under control. I made what I thought was a pretty good dinner; Sliced steak and chicken mixed grill with brown rice, peas and carrots steamed in stock and chardonnay. Served with a port and mushroom demi glace. I did it while feeding a baby, chatting with her and having some wine.

Seriously, it was a very nice picture of what could be possible and I enjoyed every minute of it.

I wasn't showing off, Ex used to eat like that 4-5 nights a week. But she sat on the couch watching tv asking how much longer.

Recommendation

If you have never kept a blog before and have had some fucked up shit go on in your life, I highly recommend it. It is quite therapeutic.

Delores, thank you

5 months, 2 rooms, 1 house

SO, I get this bomb dropped on me May 23 around 5:15 pm on a Friday going into Memorial Day weekend. By 6:00, she had some bags packed and left for her mom's with the kids and left me in the house alone with the taste of vomit still in my mouth and throat contemplating this. I was in shock. The real kind where nothing processes because everything has just been overloaded. So I drove to 4 different stores and bought 4 packs of smokes. I had quit in Jan. Picked up a case of beer. And went to the basement and played PS 2. I hadn't turned it on in years.

On Monday she came back and we talked, I was still pretty mentally fucked up, but it was " We are going to separate rooms". I moved my shit. Not because she made me, but because she was nursing who I thought was my one month old son and I felt that she needed to be comfortable and everything was in the master bedroom.

My daughter adapted very quickly. Pretty much because the spare room was next to hers and she took to sneaking in and getting in bed with me. It wasn't to bad considering Ex was on maternity leave and I was getting up at 3:30 a.m to do job search and resumes and then leave at 5:00 for work.

But that single roof......that wasn't the best idea, in hindsight. I said a lot of things out of shear anger. Just to hurt her feelings, because I wanted her to feel like I did

"I'm fucking leaving and not giving you shit as far as money"
"How Am I supposed to pay the bills"
"Fucking turn tricks, all you need to do is charge for it now"

"Get the fuck out. I don't give a shit where you go. You'll be creative with the rent I'm sure"

And of course the expected, "Whore"

There were a lot more and I can't remember them because as I said, I was pretty mentally fucked up. The worst part, I was screaming when I would say these things, and my three year old was in the house. I feel horrible about that.
(Before they moved we did sit her down and explain to her that this was one of the reasons they had to move because Mommy and Daddy didn't say nice things to each other and we knew it hurt her feelings. She really is much happier now)

There was no conversation that we could have that didn't turn south quickly. Especially after the test results came back after three of the longest weeks of my life. In my favor (against all odds but I won't go into that) and then the anger set in.

Now that I had something to be angry about, I would literally see in red. I thought that was some creative expression, but no, you can genuinely get that mad. And the roller coaster started, I would get angry, say something, apologize, try to discuss what property we wanted. Then a fight over that would start about what was fair and why one should have it over the other, or the monetary value, and the "well if you get this, I'm taking that". And that would be done out of pure spite. Then a name was called and she would go to her cozy ass suite and leave me with the rest of the house, and nothing was accomplished. Mind you, this was a two way street, I didn't start or finish all of them.

Of course for me, I was REALLY fucked up about the kids. "You're taking them from me, and you're gonna give them to someone else". When I found out that she was still talking to the guy, I would add in "and you already got him picked out, their new dad".

I said that shit a lot and she of course would come back with "Ridiculous" and "You will ALWAYS be their father" and all the same shit any normal person would say. The one that always kept bringing me back from wherever my brain had gone during one of these was "You will be allowed to see and have them whenever you want. If YOU choose not to, that is your choice."
I knew she was serious, her father left when she was 6. She saw him a few times until she was 19. Not since. He doesn't even know he is a grandfather. She and her mother have tried to find him. Her mother still tries. So I knew deep down, I wasn't going to loose the kids, I was just trying to start a fight and make her feel bad.

Now, 10 months later, I KNOW I'm not losing my kids, they are mine. I have the genetic material to prove it. Ex and ES (I'll just give him his "POSSIBLY" real initials ) are in a serious relationship as she has told me, so I've asked to meet him. Not to scare him, or grill him or anything like that, but because he is part of my children's lives. They like him. He could end up their Step Dad. I have the right to meet him. HE isn't ready yet. I find that amusing. I take it as he's scared. Oh well.
I've thought about ONE thing I would like to say. I won't really do it, and it stems from a lot of the sometimes horrendous experience I've had. I can sometimes find humor in bad situations.
Imagine this:

We meet and I tell him [great, whatever, all this all that] and don't worry about how I feel about you with the kids. I know I am their father and always will be. Shit, I have a paternity test with both our names on it to prove it for one of them. We could make it a set.

That may come across as pretty harsh, you think? I'm grinning and giggling as I write it.

Looking back, she really should have gone to her mom's and stayed. I had nowhere to go. I have a feeling that had we known then, what we know now, she would be inclined to agree. Or at least had a referee present.

Blowout

The big, nasty, revolting blowout diaper tried to knock me off, but failed

How good do I feel

Our emails have been wavering some in frequency and length. Two weeks ago, we had agreed to ween ourselves away from each other as far as contact.......we had also discussed the possibility of it becoming "us" by July 4....yes Independence Day.

After the events and the emails and now the blog, I had fully expected to not see her again for some months.....May...possibly June. And us breaking contact at some point. I had a feeling for some reason. Some....some ......strange feeling that I wasn't going to hear from her anymore. There was a little (1) this morning and I was SOOOOO relieved.

The best one came in the form of a text message " Will u be home in an hour?"

YES!!!!!!!

Just a visit and I knew that. I had the kids and I knew she would have hers. But I would see her, speak to her, hold her. We would sneak into another room out of sight of the kids and get a quick make-out.
But I got to see her, and touch her, and right now...I'm on top of the world. It will take something pretty big to knock me off of it.

That which does not kill you only makes you stronger

There is a lot of truth to that statement. I know personally. Anyone who has gone through enormous stresses and difficulties can attest to it.

She gets through this....she will quite literally be "The Perfect Woman"

At least for me.

There is nothing about her that I don't like or enjoy. The new things that she has introduced me to, I really like, including doing this.

Her way of talking. The way she sits. Her smile. The way she appreciates little things. The shows she likes to watch, her open mindedness to...well...whatever. Her ability to know the things I will like. The list goes on.

Get through this...she will be that much stronger. And I like that.

Combat tested

The LBV failed because it had never been tested in the environment it was to be used in. Like I mentioned before IT WAS AWESOME. Just couldn't do the job.

If Delores pulls through this, and the Sisters of Fate have woven our threads to bring us together......she and I have been tested. This entire thing...all this shit....this is our test.....I'm still holding strong, but I've been tested already.
I really hope she can get through it. I have no intention of leaving her side. That will be her decision to discard me. And I will still be there, because I know what is coming and she will need all the support she can get.

A bunch of shit has happened

in the past nearly two weeks. We have been busted in an affair, I stand to lose the sincere "Love of my Life", I have been told that my friggin' apartment is still not ready...twice, I have received TWO foreclosure notices, blown up on Ex, finally came to grips that it was time to get along with EX, been called on the phone by the husband of "The Love of My life", been called by her (that was nice cause she rarely has called), she lost her job (on the same day as the bust, no less)....shit, I can't even think of them all. But there is a reason, there needs to be.

The good that has come from this mess? I can now speak on the phone with Ex. More than that, I think that I may ACTUALLY be able to be friends with her.
Now most people meet her and would (when we were married) say shit like "Wow, how did you pull THAT off?" or " She is in NO WAY your wife." shit like that. I'll never say that she isn't attractive, she is an almost twin for Denise Richards...but I had a saying when I was a bartender, when there would be the two or three guys scoping out some hottie at the bar. It was:

"Remember this guy's, no matter how hot she is, there is some guy out there sick of putting up with her shit"

Towards the end of my bar career, I said that to some guys scoping out Ex.....and after a few minutes I introduced them to her as who she was, my wife.

I think that was the beginning of the end. A few months later, my bartending career ended when I got the job with the food company. I cheated on her my last night working. It was the first and only time. I felt sick to my stomach for weeks. But it happened.

Delores is the only person I have told. Ex doesn't even know. And there is no reason for her to. What good would come from telling her now except to come off as some vindictive asshole?

Nope, only Delores knows and that's because she asked me. Now you know too

The Sticker of Fate

Ex called and was in bad traffic. She asked if I could meet with her part way which was fine because I had to go out and get diapers anyway.

Delores and I have exchanged a few emails today and a TON last night. She has said some things to me and I have told her my feelings on it.

Two things she should remember

1. We are friends and friends don't leave when the going gets tough
2. I am a Marine. I never give up and leave no man behind

As I was driving to meet Ex and pick up the kids, I glanced over and saw a sticker on a car and I realized that I had never actually seen one. And I was in my town.

GFS

It was in the full name but I initialized it to protect Delores' identity. I saw this sticker for a reason

Girl, I ain't going nowhere.

I sure as shit am not going to throw away my lottery ticket before the drawing.

The Kids are coming over

I was supposed to move this weekend, and last weekend, and the one before that, but the apartment isn't ready yet. Thats the problem with finding a private listing like that but I can't really complain because it's pretty big, perfectly located for everywhere I need to be, and cheap.

I haven't seen them for three weeks and I hope I didn't pack their toys.

Who has what right

Does DH have the right to hate me? Sure. I don't blame him. I've been there.

Does he have the right to publicly humiliate his wife? That is up for debate, but I am of the mindset of NO.

I kept quiet about what Ex did to me because I believed at the time that I could convince her that our marriage could be saved. Now, I know that it was doomed from the start. There really wasn't anything to try for. Our kids would have grown up in a fully dysfunctional household and would end up pretty fucked as adults.

I cannot imagine, not at all, how DH can expect to "save" his marriage to Delores now that he has taken the "right" to not only intentionally humiliate her, but tell a large group of people that they interact with on a regular basis. "Normalcy" will not return. It can't. Just the knowledge of the affair will fuck with his head. Now, he has a group of people who's heads will be fucked with too.

She's supposed to attend holiday's and parties with everyone looking at her and whispering?

What about going out to dinner and the young, handsome waiter flashes her a flirtatious smile? They do that. And she is a VERY attractive woman. How would he handle that?

What about them being out somewhere together and they bump into an old co-worker of hers, or a neighbor, who happens to be a guy? I bet she wouldn't be allowed to even talk to him. Much less the usual hug that precedes the catch up conversation.

What about even going to the bathroom in a large crowded bar? I bet that will not be allowed without an escort. Especially since he knows I was at one that they were both at. Regardless of the fact that she didn't know I was there.

He's not going to be able to do it with the knowledge he has now, because he couldn't do it when he didn't have it.

If she doesn't see it now, I don't what I could do to help, because there is NO WAY it is going to work out now. No way. Save their marriage? I think he just put the final nail in it's coffin

I AM FUCKING PISSED

I have been treated bad in my life. I have been beaten down, I have been spit on, I have been called names.
I have had my wife tell me that she didn't know if I was the father of my one month old son.

Did I call her names? Yes I did....at times.. like an irrational argument over who got the clock.
Did I make her do stuff?? Yes I did... when she stopped nursing my son...I stopped making her dinner (I actually stopped putting it on the plate, and she had to get up and get it herself)

Did I tell anyone? Yes..three people (before we got officially divorced) My best friend (BFF) of 30+ yrs (He had moved 500 miles away by then), my brother, and one trusted neighbor (I needed local support) That was it.

For 5 months, that was all that knew. Wait... I did tell my boss at the time because my behavior had to be explained....but even they didn't know for weeks. Except my BFF , He found out the day after I did, at a friends wedding. There I had the pleasure of explaining why Ex and the new baby weren't there.....to everyone. "she's tired and worn out" no one thought anything of it. I carried it on all night...No one knew except BFF and he followed me home after dropping off his wife at his moms house. I held it together and didn't let it out.........
WTF DELORES????WHY THE FUCK DO YOU TAKE THIS?????????

The Blog

I don't read Delores' blog. For a very good reason. It was started at a tumultuous time, around the halfway point in our affair. She's a pretty graphic person when it comes to writing and paints me in a pretty nice light :)

But at some point, there is going to be something I don't want to see. Something I don't want to know about.
That's why I don't read it. There was a point where I couldn't get enough of it. I've disciplined myself to not look at it. At all. Even though I'm the first follower.
She asked me to read it tonight and I will.
Something tells me, I'm not gonna be happy

Something I don't think she knows

That first day she came over, after the few email exchanges we had and told her that I wished she could see the house before it was gone. Just to see how far I had come. I was dead serious about that.

I did have an ulterior motive....... I wanted to apologize to her in person. It was one of the MOST important things for me to do. Not ask for forgiveness....but just be able to say "I'm Sorry" while looking in her eyes. I couldn't relax until I had done it...it had haunted me for nearly two decades.

Why I need to decide

Should I wait?

I need to decide this for several reasons;

I KNOW DH won't be able to get past it, not if he knew the whole story. She wont be able to get past it if she doesn't tell him.
I know this because I have been there, unfortunately. I have been the victim, and now I am the culprit....kinda sucks.

If I move on, I will be successful very quickly; I found out that I "still got it".

I went to happy hour at one of the other places in town last Friday with some folks from work. It was the first time since the divorce, shit since last year, that I had been out with a group to a bar. I had a "base of operations". Now, I didn't go out looking for anything. I was out just hanging with people I know. But you have to go out to smoke so I would go outside every so often. I ended up striking up a conversation with a young lady. Just chat that smokers do in the cold at a bar outside. And there was an outdoor bar and the management was firing up the heaters. My tab and friends were inside. So I go in to get another beer and talk with the people I was there with. The place was getting crowded and we had a prime spot at the bar and next thing I know, I'm talking to another young lady inside.

Again, just chatting and I assisted them in getting their drinks at the now full bar. And something struck me....one was looking at me in a way that was a little different than the other two....let's see if I can do this. I told the two friends "Ok, bring it on...the friend interview...lets just do this now" and they immediately bombarded me with questions.... "age?".. 35, "married?"...divorced, "how long?"...finalized Nov, see my finger, the ring scar is gone it's been so long since I took it off, "Kids?"...two, "Ages?"....10 months, 4 yrs. You should be getting the idea. But the "interested" one started talking a little and it came up that she hates smoking.

That was funny because, I was about to excuse myself and step out for a few minutes. So I told her, " that sucks cause I'm going out for a cigarette, I'll be back in a few minutes. I hope you're still here". So I go out and outside chick is still there, so I chat with her a few minutes...back in for a drink....inside chick is still there....chat a little...out for a smoke. I was juggling. Hadn't set out for this and to be honest, I didn't care because I knew nothing was going to come of it.
And just for statistical purposes. Outside chick was a 40yr old, divorced mother of two. Didn't look a day over 28. Inside chick, 31 yr old, never married, no kids. and didn't like smoking (she really had no chance)

I was so relaxed about the whole thing because right there, in the forefront of my mind was Delores, and the promise I made.

If I scored and she knew it, it would hurt her. I know that. Thats why I need to decide. Because I would tell her. If I don't wait, and she comes back, and she asks me if I have been with anyone else, I'd tell her. I know it would hurt. I've done that to her enough. Twice as a matter of fact. Three if you include the night of "the shit I didn't remember". I promised I would never hurt her again. I won't.

That's why I need to decide

LBV

An LBV is a Load Bearing Vest. I was issued one back in '95 shortly before leaving for the Mid East. It was awesome. You could get about 60-70 lbs on it, it was EXTREMELY comfortable and lightweight and the weight distribution was ideal. There were places to put everything you could need for 3 days in intense combat. What I didn't know, but quickly learned was that this was kind of a prototype. I quickly learned a few things about it. It was useless for what I did for a living.

The built in magazine pouches were located on the chest. Perfect for tactical entry. A tactical entry is when you charge into a room with 4-7 other guys and commence clearing the building. You could do this a few dozen times an hour sometimes and you would engage targets at distances that were measured in feet. Take an AK round to the chest at 20 feet and your survival chances have diminished greatly. That's why body armor with ceramocarbide ballistic plates existed.

The vest was so comfortable because it was worn directly on the body. It didn't fit over the armor. It was designed that way.....Why?

It was green and brown cammo colored....why? I never conducted building sweep and clears in the forest or jungle. It was normally around....buildings, duh! If you wore it in "conventional ops", desert, forest, jungle type engagements and you hit the prone position, you knocked the wind out of yourself because you had 6 loaded aluminum M16 magazines on your chest. It hurt like hell, plus you weren't wearing a flak vest or armor. AND.....you could not access your magazines in the prone... a pretty choice position when the shit is flying overhead. You would have to roll over to reload, thus exposing yourself to more fire AND having an empty weapon.

It was VERY useful for training ops with demolition. I never wore any type of protection then. Simply because there was no point. If I screwed up setting a cap into a satchel charge (20 lbs of C-4), nothing on earth is going to help you. There isn't really a chance of there being anything left.

I traded it in for the "obsolete" Cold War era H harness with web belt. It fit over the flakvest and armor, carried the same crap, though not as comfortably but who cared.

I LOVED that vest. I though it was perfect until I took it to combat. It functioned as designed, but didn't function for the missions it was assigned to.

I still have it, and the H harness. Ask Delores, she's seen it.

Stress

I read somewhere about some of the most stressful events that people go through. It was recommended by psychologists that the events be spaced by a year or more to maintain physical and mental health. This is off memory but they were as follows:

• Start a new job
• Get a new boss
• birth of a child
• lose a job
• marriage
• divorce
• death of a parent (or child)
• Buy a house
• sell a house

I find the last two a little funny because once you own one, you usually have to do both in order to move.

Last year 6 of these events have occurred to me. All in succession. Get this:

1. lost job
2. new job
3. new boss (yes a boss change occurred at the new job)
4. New baby
5. Told what happened
6. lost job (because the divorce would be a "distraction")
7. New job
8. Selling house
9. Divorce
10. New boss

Not to mention totaling the car I had JUST PAID OFF and had to buy a new one. And the paternity test wasn't much fun either. three weeks of waiting for that.

My father died the year before unexpectedly.

I have endured some things that would kill most men. I survived. I keep surviving and I don't know why. Because this was just in the last year. The Marine Corps was another animal entirely

Dumbass

And for months, while we were in the same house, in separate rooms, I begged. I begged for counseling; for a chance to "fix it". Begged and begged.
Luckily she held firm because now....looking back, those are the most RIDICULOUS words to ever come from my mouth

My Ex

My Ex and I never got a long. We were both bartenders at the same place and had gone to high school together. Obviously, in that kind of environment, a lot of drinking goes on and you tend to hang out together because when you get off work at 2:00-3:00 in the morning, your friends with day jobs tend to not be available.

One night, she bought an assload of Jagermeister shots and we somehow ended up waking up in the same bed. Normally, there is a level of discomfort between two co-workers after an incident like this, but we worked in an alcohol fueled, flirtatious environment and things carried on from there. In hindsight, it was "forced romance".

We didn't like the same things.. We didn't like the same activities or sports, or even the same kind of people as friends. She was a very demanding person. "My way or the highway". Very scheduled and things HAD to go according to plan or it was the end of the world.

I'm a little more laid back. Sure, things need to be organized, but when things didn't go as planned, you adapt. I didn't (and still don't) mind accommodating others, but every once in a while, lets do what I like. I have no recollection of that ever happening. Vacations were always where she wanted to go, movies that she wanted to see, the TV??? Holy crap, for 10 years I watched her shows and got to see what I liked a handful of times, and she would complain about it the entire time. So I started waiting for her to go to bed to catch a half hour of something I liked.

In 10 years, I can count on my hands the number of times she has prepared a meal. Now I do enjoy cooking and like to show off my culinary skills, but some nights your tired. That was UNACCEPTABLE, plus given the fact that she would complain about certain ingredients. I know for a fact that she does miss that aspect of our relationship (cause she told me the other night that she had never had a bad meal).

Paint colors, carpet colors, travel itinerary, restaurants, movies, THE KIDS NAMES, I really wasn't allowed any input.

Even my jobs were dictated. God forbid I work in a bar that she didn't like to hang out in, regardless of how much I made. There of course comes a time that we need to get "regular" jobs and start growing up. Now I had served 4 years of active duty in the Marine Corps and learned quite a few job skills. Her mother started working at a start up fiber optic company and knew that I had some physics background, but no degree. I was given a shot at an "internship". I took it because A) she talked me into and it was time to grow up, B) the income potential was enormous, and C) I thought that I might learn to like it.

A year of bartending from 4:00pm to 4:00 am and then getting to my internship at 7:00 am, studying and learning optical physics, an hour nap, then start process over again. And she complained I didn't spend enough time with her.....this was her idea.

But I did it. Age 27.....$125,000/yr. and it was AWESOME to make that much. I decided to buy a house for the tax benefits. She picked it. Not the kind I wanted either. A 3500 sq ft, new construction one in an exclusive neighborhood on a golf course. Don't get me wrong, it was a very nice house, but I wanted something a little smaller and affordable. And the mortgage was soley in my name. We weren't married......yet.

Then the "I don't like owning a house and not being married" started. I caved. Fine, whatever. She picked out her own ring....and mine. The proposal, in the kitchen, the day we bought it, because she bugged me the whole drive home about how excited she was to be engaged. Now I realize that I wasn't all that happy then because I had my doubts if I even wanted to stay with her. A year later, she didn't like the ring anymore. Shit, on our honeymoon, she tried to get me to buy a different one.

So now we are married and live in the big house in the exclusive neighborhood, and then the cars started. Every time I got one that I liked, that fit my needs, it instantaneously became hers.

Then the layoff. The tech bubble burst. I got laid off after 3 years of making loads of money. But because of the size of the mortgage, there were no savings. I had the experience in fiber optics, but no degree and no one would touch me, but I could fall back to the bartending and I did because we needed the income. She threw a fit about how I could loose a great job like that.....HER mother canned ME...on my birthday.

So the house needed to go. Luckily the housing market was skyrocketing at the time and we had two offers within 24 hours of listing it, with escalation clauses. We made a killing. I convinced her that we really needed something smaller, more affordable, and easier to maintain (she was a neat freak who cleaned CONSTANTLY, and complained how long it took). So I got my way...for once. SO the next house is something that we put a HUGE down payment on and the mortgage was such that I could pay it soley with my "meager" bartending income. I really made a lot more than my taxes say, but it was unpredictable.

Now, she did work and made a lot of money and had some cool fringe benefits (she sells wine) . She was really good at it and was one of the top sales people in the nation for the company. So she would win a lot of incentive trips. About 6-8 per year. And she got pregnant with our first. And she is leaving on these 4-10 day trips about every other month. Even after the baby comes. Mind you, these aren't business trips, they're vacations. I'm bartending, with an infant and she is gone half the time on vacation. 2-3 hours of sleep a night, even when she was home. I get in at 4:00am, feed the baby cause I know she's tired, then I'm up at 6:00 cause she needs to go to work. Baby all day. Hand off when she gets home and start again. and she complained about how difficult it was to handle a baby by herself. I forgot to mention that she had an acting hobby; theatre. And did 2-3 plays a year that required rehearsal and such. And complained that I didn't make enough money.

So I get another sales job, finally. In an industry that I love and know a lot about; Food sales. Restaurant supply distribution. But it requires time to build a territory, customer service, etc. Normal sales shit...no no no no no. I am tasked with drop of and pick up at day care, which HAD to be her aunt, who also made her own schedule. I would get a call that said come get your daughter, I need to do some stuff. In the middle of the day. I was WORKING, WTF?

And the house was no longer good enough, even though I had completely gutted and redid the kitchen. Finished the basement, built the fence and deck she wanted. Nope, to small now. It had 5 bedrooms and 3.5 baths.

So we sell right at the peak of the market. That poor bastard paid more for that thing than I ever would have. And we built another big house, in the exclusive neighborhood, further away from my friends and family. And it was the "last one I would ever buy". So we put everything into it that you could want. And it is nice. Very nice (and I am typing this on the counter in my custom kitchen).

And I now need to drive 1 hr to drop off at day care and an hour back to my territory. I live in the area I work. Then stop what I'm doing, at varying times during the day, and pick up....same drive. Regardless of the appointments I had. I only worked about four hours a day.....I ended up getting fired. And she was pregnant again. She never assisted with drop off or pick up, plus the travelling, plus the plays, plus the cooking, plus the cleaning.

So I start to work for one of my customers because she demanded a certain income level. I didn't like the job, but I needed it. A few months later, the bomb is dropped...."I don't know....."

And she told me to my face that it was all my fault.

The Dog

Another "coincidence" that comes to mind surrounds my Ex. She got a dog, a black lab puppy, from her mother as a Christmas gift one month after we had started....I guess dating. One month before we were divorced, I had to put her down.....She had developed an inoperable brain tumor and was 10 yrs old and it was very hard.
The Ex and I were in court 10 yrs to the day after we had gotten involved.

facebook

Facebook has changed their format and look. Facebook got us in touch with each other.
Is Facebook trying to tell me something and if so, what is it?

Fate

I believe in Fate...that things happen for a reason
The coincidences that she and I have experienced are uncanny. There are just to many to mention but it has caused me to TRULY believe that she and I are supposed to be together. whether or not that happens remains to be seen, but I have never believed in soulmates until she came back into my life.

Now someone might say, if we were meant to be, why did this happen and we got caught and are going through all this crappy suckiness and heartbreak? Because it needed to happen.

After dealing with the intensity of Tuesday (and believe me it was a CRAZY 24 hours) I have been thinking and I decided that there was a step that I needed to take.
I had the first civil conversation with my ex-wife a few days ago. While she hasn't exactly been an angel since our divorce, I haven't exactly been "Mr. Perfect" either. I've actually been quite an asshole. we talked for over three hours in calm, rational adult tones. Now she has known about Delores for some time but I have kept stressing that she and I were just friends because of the sensitive nature of our situation (not to mention the almost identical parallels in the two marriages).
This time I told her the truth. I didn't go into the gory details but explained the situation which included my thought and feelings toward Delores even while we were married......She was supportive. Very supportive and also mentioned that she had already figured it out.

My ex is rooting for this to come out in my favor and is STILL willing to have that conversation with her if she wants. Guess it wasn't a bad idea to ask that favor a few months ago.

decisions decisions

I need to decide if I'm going to wait it out. The open endedness is the hardest part. I know I can hold out for 6 months. I could hold out for a year if I knew that was when I could be with her. But it's unknown.

We had talked about this before and she is worth the wait, but the last thing in the world I want to do is waste my life. I've wasted enough of it. And if they are REALLY going to try to work this out (which I personally don't think will happen) I need to be out of the picture.

What happens in six months when she emails me and says it's all great. I've lost six months of life.

What happens if I move on and she emails me in six months asking for my address, but I'm involved with someone else? I couldn't just drop someone because "I was waiting for this opportunity and just killing time with you". That would be horrible. But i have waited half my life for her.

I'll decide in a month when I should make a decision

A picture is worth a thousand words

Delores is a remarkable woman. She has been special to me for years, even during the years that I thought she had hated me. I never did stop thinking about her and then we meet again and she was still the same. Sweet, caring, soft spoken, intelligent. She has an ability to melt you when you look at her

I have a picture of her sitting on the floor with my son who was 8 months at the time. She is leaning over looking down at him, their noses a few inches apart. He is looking up at her, his chubby little cheeks made bigger by the huge smile on his face and he is completely taken in by her. Mesmerized. I know the feeling. I get it (or got it) every time I would see her.

That picture alone describes her

I miss her so much that it hurts

Private Eyes

Hall n Oates' "Private Eyes" is on right now......
Delores once told me that "every 80's song reminds you of me"..
This one, more so now than ever. I know he has taken control of her and she has allowed it. He was away but is either back tonight or tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it's tonight as they have a counseling appointment tomorrow.

And I have a bad feeling that she will be put under "the spotlight" about what happened while he was gone. Where she was? who did she see? who called?
I KNOW I will come up, because...well ....I'm the cause of it. I can see it already...the unfounded accusations. How I was there all weekend, how we talked on the phone, how she Facebooked (that is not allowed anymore)

Have we sent messages?....yes.....are we trying to not converse?......yes...Is it easy? No
It hurts, a lot.

And it pisses me off that she is taking it

She's right

I do like this

I just realized

I'm sitting here at the bar, avoiding packing and just realized; my tv hasn't been turned on for three weeks. I don't even know if it still works. The last time it was on was the last time I saw Delores. The night she stayed over with my kids and hers. The night I got to sneak in her room and kiss her while she was sleeping.

The kids watched tv that morning, I made breakfast and then she was gone........

Wait, there was another very quick visit. She did get to see my new place when I was moving some crap but it still wasn't ready yet. Still not as good a goodbye as you would hope for

I think I hate Journey now

Journey is being played everywhere I go......I'm 35 and sitting in a bar...not a highschool dance...WTF????

I am the one I hate

I thought about this from day one. How I was going to handle our first visit.

I had just gotten divorced. Literally the day after court, Delores had sent me an email, it was a thursday, by friday morning we were going to see each other for the first time in 17 years.... here's that email:

Hi (OG),
You doing OK? I saw the news on your profile. Are congratulations in order, or is it not that kind of week? Anyway, I just wanted you to know I think of you fondly often and yeah, even now, over 15 years later, I sometimes miss you. Wish I could see you and give you a hug right now.

Do you still see (BFF)? Last I heard from him he said you lived near each other.

Cool beans.
Write me back, tell me what's up. Where are you living, where are you working? You have cute kids! I have 1. He's cute, too. :)

This was my response:

Considering the hell I've been through since may, I think congratulations are appropriate. BFF moved to NC a few years ago but I see him when he comes up on biz trips. I am living in (New Town) until the house sells, which I will miss as it was the "last house we would buy" and I put a lot of time and money into it. I will also miss being neighbors with (NFL Player). He lives behind me. Life is different when you watch Monday night football with an actual participant. I am working (or supposed to be) for (current company), third largest in the nation. I had spent a few years at (competitor), but that was automatonic at best. Now at least I'm a person.

Our first conversation in a decade....we had bumped into each other 10 years previously and chatted briefly, but that was it.
She was coming over on Sunday.

I freaked out...OMG, OMG, OMG...I'm gonna see her. I was SOOOOO excited...and a little nervous.....I sent a text to my friend who I have had my entire life, he knew her and had bugged me for YEARS to get back in touch with her. All I sent to him was "of all the women through the years, who was the one that got away?"

Her name came back

She came over and it was like a tidal wave hit me...but I was reserved at first and for a very good reason.

I was about to do to someone else, what had happened to me. and in many ways, worse.

In our email exchanges I could detect that something was wrong and when we started talking that day face to face, a LOT of information came out. I remember standing in the hallway, near the foyer when we were checking on her son (he was 14 months at the time and had to be there..longer story). I looked at her and said "You need to make a decision about what you want before you do to him (DH, her husband) what happened to me"

(fucking "Total Eclipse Of the Heart" is now playing...fuck, fuck, fuck....D will get it)

"What happened to you?"

My wife decided that our anniversary was the day that she should tell me that she did not know if I was the father of our second child, he was a month old at the time. Not " He is, but I didn't", or "He's not", but a flat out "I DON'T KNOW". Not an easy one to take, especially over a three day weekend. He ended up being mine, and she was determined to get divorced and it happened. May I was delivered the news, June we filed, November we were in court. That guy is now her boyfriend.

This is why I was so reserved with Delores. I had an entire speach prepared how I wasn't going to be "that guy". I forgot it the moment I saw her. She hadn't changed a bit. Not a bit. It was obvious that she felt the same way.

So a very intense affair started, just as emotional as it was physical, and it carried on for four months.
And now I sit here heartbroken and waiting.

I AM the guy I have hated for a year.

A Nutshell

For those that don't know or don't have the time to go through Delores's blog, here is the story in a VERY small nutshell.

She confessed to the affair that she and I had been having for the past four months. A very, very intense one. Not just intense physically, but even more intense emotionally.
She is an ex-girlfriend of mine from 17 years ago who I had never stopped thinking about. She stepped back into my life at a time where, oddly enough, we needed each other. Appologies were made, forgiveness was given, feelings were shared openly and honestly....nothing was hidden or kept secret or embellished or lied about. Two kids in love found each other again as adults. It would have been a fairy tale made in heaven except for one hurdle.......she was still married.

Last Tuesday

Last week I got a phone call. I had expected it, but didn't at the same time. I didn't recognized the number but knew exactly who it was. And I answered it.

There is a long and involved story attached to this call and I really can't tell it as well as its already been told and luckily, I don't have to.

Here it is http://breakingdelores.blogspot.com

I am OG, the other guy. DH called me. We had gotten caught/ she confessed and now, now I don't know what to do. Not because we were busted, but because I need to separate from her and she from me and quite frankly...it's harder than I thought.

Why this is here

I've thought about doing this for a while but really wasn't sure why. Then a few days ago, I got a "I wish" from someone. That was all the motivation I needed