HEHEHEHEHE

had a text when I got out of the shower today.

From Delores:
"what r u up to?"

Me:

" [heading to work]"

Delores
" wait 15 minutes"

WHOOHOOO!!!!!!!

Not only was she coming over...she was already on the way. It's felt like forever since I've seen her. I even told her that it's been something like almost two months...But I was wrong. it's been 31 days since I popped into the restaurant at lunch.
(I checked my blog to be sure)

Man....I had a good day today. A really good day. I got to kiss her, and hug her, and smell her. She got to see the place in it's almost finished state.

And I can't get the grin off my face that has been there all day

Smokin'

I spent the entire day hauling crap from the old house to the new place; mostly small junk that I'm not even sure I want to keep or not, but at least there is a dumpster here if I don't want it.
I did grab my smoker and some of the patio furniture..but not all of it. So I am now smoking a pork roast and a beef bottom round for dinner. That should get me through the next few days as far as dinner goes and I won't have to worry about making something when I get back here after work.

I still need the fish tank though. I need to get that out and next weekend is a wash cause I got the kids. It sucks because my little girl likes to feed them. She also like to show them off. Delores' son was her favorite person to show them to...she really got a kick out of it. She also like playing piano with him.
To bad I can't have that piano...I could if I wanted it, there is just NO WAY that thing is getting in here.
Her son is actually very good at it and he's not even two. He really seemed to enjoy it when he would come over. He would sit there and play it by himself. I've sent Delores pics of it...her boy alone and with my kids....and I know she can't share them with anyone...but at least she has them.
With a little encouragement, I think he would be pretty good at it. If anything, he has a musical talent. I have a couple keyboards for kids I wish I could give her for him...but that isn't the same to a kid as sitting at the big wooden 88 key piano he's used to.

The shit you think of sitting outside watching a smoker......

Dinner is done

I just got back from making the VIP dinner for one of my customers. It turned out incredibly.
I spent two days hunting down obscure Asian ingredients, didn't get to the kitchen until an hour after the planned time, but it went off without a hiccup.

I still can't get the smell of fish sauce out of my nose and I hope that goes away soon. One of the things I had to make was a kimchee lime burre blanc. Most of the ingredients were pretty foul smelling, but the final product was DELICIOUS. Definitely one I am adding to my personal recipe book.
I also noticed that I didn't rush to leave. There was no real reason to. Delores was traveling back today, so I knew there most likely wasn't going to be anything from her.
I don't really use FB anymore that much. It's not any fun without her for the most part.

But I came home and I am going to finish putting the gym together so I can start working out again

A whole year has passed

My boy is a year old. i lost the fight to go to the party, and to be honest, I didn't fight that hard. I said my peace, I voiced my thoughts on it, but I knew I would lose. Ex's family has to much influence over her when it comes to what they want. I knew that to begin with.

So I drove 200 miles, round trip, to see my boy on his birthday. I sent Delores a couple of pics of him with the obligatory cake all over his face. I also sent her a quick video of him walking. He started today. Real walking I mean.

(Matt Nathanson...Come on get higher). It's on right now..I never knew this was the song that Delores was talking about...This is the shit that happens to me.........WHY????

Boy's birthday was good, ex made tacos for dinner (I didn't critique cause she had a basement flood yesterday and the power was off all day today)
And then the cake and toys came out.

The kids jumped all over me well past their bedtime. Birthday boy went to bed first, and I read my little girl a story in her bed before I left...I was a little uncomfortable being surrounded by what used to be my shit...but...it wouldn't fit in here anyway and it fits in her place. I also didn't say anything about the full set of All Clad pans that she has now..I might the next time comment on it and see if I can get some of my Caphalon stuff back (at least my stock pot, I miss having that). But it was a good birthday all in all. Apparently, one of my gifts for him is his favorite toy at day care; a xylophone.

I still wish I could go to the party. That's what is important to kids...the party. I have a feeling that if Delores was able to go to it that we would have been there. Because then Ex's boyfriend would be there and then her family would just have to deal with it. She isn't one to uninvite people she doesn't know and if those plans had been in place, that's what would have stuck.

I want Ex and Delores to meet. Not as a "See how much better I did" but just to have them meet. Ex is curious because my little girl talks about her all the time, so do I. Or I used to. I don't talk about her much anymore. I just keep it to myself. The "I don't know" answers I have to give all the time have worn me down, so I don't bring her up and when a question is asked, I deflect it. I miss her so much that I literally feel sick to my stomach.

Between two parallels

It's been nearly 6 months since Delores and I have been in contact again.
It's been nearly 6 months since I started screwing around on Facebook.

There was an immediate parallel that surfaced.
And another that showed up at work a few weeks later.

Parallel A:
A guy I grew up with was VERY obviously reconnected with his high school girlfriend. In fact, he was the first person to comment on my "OG is divorced" status. It was, and is, all over Facebook. They were not trying to hide it, but announce it to the world.
17 years they had been separated. He was divorced, she was going through one. They are convinced that they are soul mates. She has visited him, he has visited her, and they have both made a special trip back here together for mini-reunion of sorts. They live 2000 miles apart and the closest one, Him, lives 5 states away from where we grew up. She shares the same name as Delores. He is interviewing for jobs where she lives so that she doesn't have to pack up and relocate her three kids. They are going to end up together. It's obvious. Shit, they ARE together and everyone knows it.

Parallel B:

Guy at work I have known for 20 years got involved with a young lady on my sales team. She had broken up with her long term boyfriend shortly before I started working there. They have a child together about the same age as my little girl. I didn't know until a few months ago that my friend and her were involved at all. She went back to the boyfriend.
It's killing him. He is so wrapped up in her that it's all he can talk about. He puts his heartfelt emotions all over Facebook. He's heartbroken pretty bad by it and everyone knows. To make it worse, she was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple months ago and started chemo last month; she's in her early 30's and the tumor was detected not as early as you would want. He has tried to help in every way he could including raising money to help with treatment. She is not coming back to him. I don't think that there was a chance she would anyway.
He gave up last night. He quit.

Two very similar stories; One has (or is going to have) the fairy tale happy ending of two soul mates who have transcended time and space to be together. They will be very happy, trust me, they are meant for each other.
The other, heartbreak and a crushed man who kept holding on to a woman that didn't share the same feelings that he did. And is now in a battle for life at a young age. She is, and needs, to concentrate on what is most important; her child. Making those kinds of memories that that little girl will remember for ever. Making sure that she is taken care of if the worst happens. I wish that he would understand that this is her perspective now. Not that she doesn't care about him, but that her priorities have had to change dramatically. If he wants to win her back...he needs to play his cards differently.

Here I am, right between these two. Two people who have transcended time and space to have our souls reconnect. One divorce, one marriage in purgatory. One man waiting, one woman trying to decide what it is that she wants. A battle for her heart with some unfair advantages to the competitor.
The previous two outcomes are decided.
Mine is not. And our story is not all over FB for our friends to see. It's only here.
And all I can do is wait

Breakfast

I would like to make her breakfast again. It's something that I had fun doing when she stayed over that night.
I don't usually make breakfast, except for the kids.

I would really like to do it again for her.
Some slow moving, weekend morning. The kids would be at the other parents place. We would have gone out to dinner the night before. And woke up entwined in each other. A little morning session and then some waffles and bacon and eggs. Me chugging my coffee like I always do, her with some tea. Sitting at the table, smiling at each other over the memories of the previous night and the more recent morning.

I like that image

signs

Trying to decide when I should call it quits

Journey

Don't Stop Believing

more signs?

Why do I keep checking

Why do I keep looking at my inbox??
I fully didn't expect to hear from Delores at all this weekend and next week. I'm grateful for the messages I have received and hope and hope and hope to hear from her more...but I am realistic; she's surrounded by people that don't like me, and only one knows that I am in her life again (I met her mom once or twice, but don't remember it, never met her dad). She is on vacation and needs it and really shouldn't be trying to communicate with me in that environment.

But it scares me. Completely surrounded by everything that got us here in the first place. I am curious what her mom would think..If she just let it out and told her that she was seeing me again after all these years.

Would her mom drop the blame on my shoulders?? There was a time that she could have done that regarding her daughter's unhappiness, but that was two decades ago. I guess I am part of it now as well, but not intentionally.

I've confessed my sins to Delores; all the crap that I did (or more truthfully, TRIED to do), my awareness that I knew I treated her wrong, a kind of explanation why, but that really doesn't matter. Not now. But I told her. I apologized. And that is what I set out to do.

I didn't intend for this mess to happen. I didn't realize fully, how much I loved her until that day I laid eyes on her after ohhh so long. I had long buried those kinds of feelings. I had been hardened by years of work, and training, combat, loss, pain upon pain. A heart wrenching decision, a shattered life. Funeral upon funeral. More loss.

She melted that shield away immediately. Just with a smile. A shield that I have had my entire life that she was able to penetrate and get into my soul so many years ago. She melted it from the inside.

Maybe I'll describe my childhood one day, but I think that she knows that she affected a boy in a way that carried him into manhood....the man that is now. She still affects him. I can't escape her. She is there everywhere I turn. And I am starting to put that shield up again. I'm starting to close myself off from feelings again. I don't know how this is going to turn out, but it usually is never in my favor and I guess I am going into a kind of "self protect" mode; expecting the blow to fall. I don't want it to, but it could happen.

The worst part is that I put myself here. I knew the risks, I knew perfectly well that my chances were pretty slim, but I guess that's the Jarhead in me; take on the impossible. But I see the long term effects giving up would have on me.

• I would always wonder what if ? What if I had waited? If I wait...I will know.
• I would have quit something important to me. How could I ever tell my kids to stick to something they liked even though it got hard for a period.
• Its a second chance...Not many people get to say that, but I have an honest to God, second chance, to unscrew the one single biggest mistake of my life...letting her get away in the first place.

I could pray and beg and all those other things, but I won't. I used all that up for my son. I know that. If she comes back to me, I know I will never win a lottery; a lifetime of luck will have been used up for me, and it would be worth it.

She is so worth it

A little concerned

I'm a little concerned right now. Not freaking out or anything but........I've been feeling weird all day and she emailed me this morning asking for some advice for an interview she had today. I responded with a not lengthy, but reasonably so for me, explanation of my thoughts.

That was over twelve hours ago. I haven't got a "thank you", a "that's perfect", a "I know this already". I haven't got a "it went great", or a " no they never asked anything like what you thought"

I haven't heard a thing from her.

I hope it's unfounded...but I'm concerned right now. I really don't like the "not knowing"; if she's fine or otherwise.

The columns

Tied to the columns, blindfolded, arms spread. I am behind you. All you can feel is my hot breath on your neck as my hands slowly caress your sides.
A nip at the ear.
Hands slide to your breasts. Just fingertips on the underside, gently feeling their way up.
Your nipples are hard as I take one in each hand, between my fingers.
A gentle but firm squeeze as my mouth touches your neck.
My tongue runs down to your shoulder.
Your legs begin to quiver as my hand glides into your panties.
The moistness is coating my finger as it explores.
My cock is against your back. You can feel the stiffness pushing against you.
Your legs tremble more as I insert my finger and push myself against your ass, my mouth on the back of your neck.

Suddenly, a new sensation; I'm licking your stomach...you feel your panties sliding off but my hands are on your breasts again.
My tongue is now against your clit. You want to touch me but your hands are tied.
A flicker...a kiss. You feel my warm mouth begin to open some. My tongue extends a little into you....
My tongue is moving, my hand is caressing your stomach, then you feel something new....you left one of your toys where I could reach it. I slowly slide it in a little, hot breath still on you.
Do you like that? I think you will like something more.

I push you down to your knees, You want to see but the blindfold is working and your hands are spread out, still tied to the columns.

I push you down and ask if you want to feel your toy all the way in you...you say yes. As you slide down, it pushes in, deeper as you get closer to the floor.

You're down, impaled by your own device. You feel heat against your lips. Hot, fleshy heat. Do you know what that is?
I push a little and your lips part.
My cock is so hard. I keep pushing it further in your mouth..Do you like that I ask?
You cant answer. It keeps sliding in. I start to pull it out some and my hands are on your head.
Sitting on your toy, tied to the columns, cock in your mouth....what to do?
What should I do to you ?

The black lacey thing

Delores purchased, what had to be an expensive, black lace nightie.....or naughty :) and had it sent to the hotel that we stayed at. After a walk in the cold, a very nice dinner, some conversation at the hotel bar, we of course ended up in the room.

I can't remember exactly what I was doing but I came into the room, and it was on her. Now, she had showed it to me earlier, so I had an idea what to expect...but WOW, WOW, WOW.

OOHHHH YEEAHHHHHH!!!!

I looked at her and grabbed her, if I remember right, I said " and just how long do you expect to be wearing that?"....or something along those lines.
She looked FABULOUS. I don't think it stayed on for more than 2 or 3 minutes

I still have it. I unpacked it. It's on my new closet shelf. A spot of it's own. Right in plain view. I'll never get rid of it. There are two things that I hope:

1. I never have to explain to someone what it is or the importance and meaning it has to me and why it will not be discarded
   
2. I'll get the chance to cut it off of her in a little scenario we exchanged a few months ago

But it's sitting there on the shelf...waiting for her to come put it on again

Correcting the Ex???

I may not be right about this, but Ex and I had agreed that the Birthday parties were for the kids and that was their special day. Then she calls to un-invite me because her family thinks its inappropriate that I be there. I started to get a little mad today and sent her an email.

The more I think about it, the more irritated I get that I am the one being excluded from my own son's birthday at the demand of your family.
He is MY child, not theirs. Their "discomfort" at the situation is their problem, not mine.
This is not your Mom's birthday, or a baby shower for [cousin], or a graduation for [niece]. This is MY boy's first birthday.

It is EXTREMELY inappropriate that they even suggest that his father be absent. It is FUCKED UP as a matter of fact. I do not care to interact with them any more than they want to with me, but this is an event for my child.

I have no choice but to take this as I am now no longer allowed to go to ANYTHING that they may be part of...sports games, recitals, plays, graduations....How about their weddings??? dear old dad is not allowed to be there because Mommy's family is "uncomfortable". He of course needs to contribute money, but attendance is not allowed??

Fuck this..I'm pissed off. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. If you don't stand up for what is right on this one....i can't say that I will be able to speak to anymore. I can't believe this.

If you actually let this happen, I will sever all ties and contact with your family. This will include your mom. I will not interact with her in any way...as requested. This includes picking them up at her house. If they are with her, that is where they will stay.

You need to to stand up for this one... You need to. We don't do "family holidays"...This is my kid's birthday party... Who gets to explain to [daughter] why I can't go to her birthday parties anymore??? How about her kindergarten graduation?

You need to fix this....

Now that I read it again, it sounds a little harsher than I intended but I was getting mad about it. I know I got my point across at least. I didn't say that I was sick of her family making decisions for me. They had done that for ten years..
I also didn't bring up that she has told them the divorce was my fault and that she was a perfect angel and I am a horrible monster.
I have not asked her to tell them, but that's what she wants them to believe and I bet that's where this is stemming from.

I don't know if what I did was right, but it sure feels like I am fighting to right a wrong here. I would understand if I was still acting like a jackass towards her....but no...I'm going to fight this one to the end too. At least this fight is only for a week.

Rhythm of my heart

.......the words i love you rollin' off my tongue......

Figures, this is pretty much the only music I can find..I've changed stations around. I've come to the conclusion...I'm stuck in the movie Better Off Dead. I can't escape it.

Delores even emailed me this morning about what song was playing... I have a feeling that she gets it also.

Well I am almost done unpacking. Kitchen is now functional but needs some detail work as far as organization, the kids are going to have a playroom that I have carpeted and now I think I can fit a craft table in it that is still at the house. I am determined to have this done before I get them again this weekend.

I also found out that I have now been uninvited to my son's birthday party. It's a good thing Delores couldn't go. Ex called and she has been getting a lot of pressure about how "inappropriate" it is that her ex husband attend a family function. I didn't explode but I did voice my concern that this wasn't for her mother, or cousin, or aunt...this was about MY son. His first birthday. She said that she didn't want the problem of her family being uncomfortable.. I guess that's going to be interesting when I pick them up at her mom's on Friday...someone is going to get an ear full. Fucking ridiculous...I am now no longer allowed to attend functions for my kids.

She did invite me to have cake and ice cream on his actual birthday next Wednesday which I will go to...but what the fuck? I can't believe that just happened to me.

That week also happens to coincide with the finalization of the menu that I have been selected to prepare for a VIP partner of one of my biggest customers. Nothing to difficult; a four person wine-n-dine for a rep for a world famous artist. I get to recreate a recipe from a world renown chef plus three other courses. The fun part?... the requested main course is a small fish I have never worked with and one of the group only eats beef. I need to tie these flavors together because beef and fish will be on three of the four plates. Add to that I am lacking the one piece of equipment at the facility that I need..a charbroiler.

So I get to spend a few hours next week learning to prepare an AWESOME surf n turf using a pan.... I wish Delores would volunteer to be my taste tester. I would love for her to see me in action in an industrial kitchen. She's seen me do it at home, but it's different when you have double deck convection ovens, 12 gas burners, endless saute pans, steamers, fryers, flat top griddles (and a person who is paid to do the dishes) all at your disposal. Not to mention an overflowing pantry, walk in refer and freezer. It would be a neat chance to show off

Shit..I need a new chef coat..guess I need to call in another sample. I was told to look good. Black with white piping? or white with black piping?...I have a rocking calf length bistro apron that is white with black trim, so I think that black with white would look cool and match my dark gray baseball hat with my gold EGA pin (Eagle, Globe and Anchor...the USMC emblem) that I used to wear when I worked in the kitchens

Aretha Franklin....Until You Come Back To me......hehe...thats how I end my night.....I give in...this is the only stuff I am destined to hear until this ends...this wait.

The Blend

If you have Direct TV, put on The Blend (821).

It's not a blend, it's Punish and Torture OG...that's what it should be called

Her kitchen

I keep remembering her kitchen. Valentines Day.
It was the first time I started off touching her. Not much conversation. No talk of feelings. I just started on her after her son went down for a nap.

We were in her kitchen. I don't remember why, but her back was to me and and I grabbed her. I kissed her neck; her ear; the back of her neck. My hands were on her breasts, her hips, her stomach... they were everywhere.

They ended up in her pants. I played with her, I fingered her, I kissed her neck. She was pushed against the counter; left side of the sink. I remember like it was today.

She kept moaning and quivering, and gasping. She gyrated her ass against my crotch as I rubbed her, with my mouth on the back of her neck. She kept reaching back to to rub my dick and that's when I would push in a finger or add some more pressure to my fondling.

I just wanted her to get off. Right there in the kitchen. Back to me, clothes on and everything

She asked me to go with her to the other room. It got sweaty again and that was her first comment about my stamina that day.

I still remember the kitchen though. I can't forget it. That was Passion.

Gut punch

I feel like I just got punched again

Phil Collins???

WHAT THE FUCK IS SIRIUS DOING TO ME??????????????

I shut it off. I can't take any more.

Against All Odds just came on.

Haven't heard from the man in years and NOW?????

If I have to, you do too

I have the music on again. It's killing me. I think I'm going back to quiet.

Here's a sampling:

• Chasing Cars; Snow Patrol
• Peaceful Easy Feeling; Eagles
• I'll Remember You; Sarah McClachlan
• Send Her My Love; Journey
• Big Girls Don't Cry; Fergie
• Every time You Go Away; Paul Young
• The Time of My Life; David Cook
• Hard Habit to break; Chicago

This is just a sample of my day

The killer that I hear at least a half a dozen times a day? No matter where I go?



Fate is either fucking with me or telling me what I need to do

Need to start a clock

I need to start the clock somehow.

I need to pick a date that I will let go and move on. I have one in mind but not sure it's the one I want to use or not. Now I'm not saying that in a few months, if she is not sitting on my couch, I'm done and moving on. I'm saying I will need to make a decision about how things are moving. If they are moving towards me, I'll wait longer, if not....I don't know.

She has told me several times to just move on and I have said no; I'll stick it out. She said it again today. Just because it's getting to the hard part, I am DEFINITELY not letting go yet. We talked about this a few times; the wait, the trying to work it out. Giving him an honest chance. Her being unsure of what she wants. Giving a family a shot at being a family.

I can't argue with that, I don't even have an argument. If she can be happy where she is and her son grow up in a happy home, who am I to say anything..

I just want her to be happy, to live the life she deserves. To enjoy every day.

I also need to stop reading her blog. I'm pretty good about it, but they are making an honest attempt at seeing if there is a chance at reconciliation.
It'll kill me to see it.
I have become to attached.

It'll kill me to read about her having sex with him. Not if it was good, or great, or better, or worse; just that it had happened. But they are married. They are trying to work it out. It's going to happen. I just don't want to know about it. if she ends up with me, I wouldn't care that it happened, because I understand. I just can't take it now, it would be to much. So I need to stop reading it.

But I need to pick a date. I knew this was coming, I just didn't know when

Longing

I think about her constantly. I can still feel her

I keep getting these feelings in the pit of my stomach, like I just got punched. I probably did at that moment and don't know it.

Delores and I are still "talking", but it is very rare. Except the other night when we did have an exchange for about an hour and a half of constant replies (I really liked it)

I keep getting mixed signals from her, but I know it's the stress, the pressure from others. I try not to say anything as far as what I would like her to do for two reasons; 1) It's pretty clear what my position is, 2) I don't want to add to that stress.

While I am still unpacking and living out of boxes, I have had Sirius on The Blend trying to figure out what I like. I can say that it is worse than the crappy 80's music bar. EVERYTHING reminds me of her...example..Follow Me (Uncle Cracker) is on right now. I keep seeing people that look like her, I see her car everywhere.

I physically hurt. Not from moving, but from missing. She would have loved the trade show yesterday. I wish she could go to my son's 1st birthday in a few weeks, Ex invited her via me. I wish she could see the place come together as it happens. I wish she could be here to give me her opinion on where things should go.

I wish I could cook my first dinner here for her.

I'm going to go out and get something to eat

Unpacking

I have to much shit. It will be a long week of unpacking, and if things go according to plan, I will be done this weekend. And I mean EVERYTHING.

I have some motivation and some obstacles.

Obstacles:

• Annual trade show tomorrow
• Boss
• work
• fatigue

Motivation:

• TO BE DONE WITH IT
• send Delores pics of the finished product
• shorter work day (I am living dead center to where I need to be)
• working out again.

All this moving the past month has gotten me reinvigorated to start lifting again. I have a full Smith Machine with high and low pulleys that I have had for years. I have used it off and on but started a desire recently to get back in better condition.

The stairs I climb several times a day have done a number on my legs and that just adds to the motivation.
To be done with it, the gym needs to be assembled.
And I will use it again. It's in a perfect place. I have the space for it and its not a long ass trek from the third floor east wing to the basement west wing to get to it like it was in the house.
I just need to get the fish tank out of there and a few nick knacks and its done. Utilities will be cut off.
While I want nothing more than to see Delores at every possible opportunity, I secretly want a month of hardcore lifting to see if she notices a difference. She never saw me when I was on active duty.....but did see me shortly after..at the bar I was working at.

I'll take her over a workout any day of the week...and twice every night.

First Night

I was able to get a weak signal from my company air card and get on. This is my first night staying here, and the kid's first night, and the dog's. Shit is still everywhere but my little girl is excited to help with the unpacking and "arrangement" of stuff. She has already selected her play room and has said that she would like to share a room with her brother after tonight (I doubt it for some reason, but we will set it up tomorrow and see how it goes).

Delores said that she would like to lay on the couch and relax with me, because I am pretty beat up; tired, sore, etc. I would want nothing more than to just lay down with her right now. Just absorb her into me... and feel her skin, and smell her. She always smells so good and feels so good. To hear her voice......that would be a Godsend. Her presence always makes me feel better. It always does.

Tunes

Delores once asked me when we first started seeing each other again what kind of music I liked. I responded that I didn't know; that I had lived in a dictatorship for a decade.... I don't know if she believed it at the time, but I think she does now.

Well, the first thing that I got set up at the apartment was my satellite so that it wouldn't be deathly quiet as I was moving and unpacking, so I have had the music stations on all week until 2-3 am as I try to get this done. (by the way, I am still on the floor at the house because I have no Internet yet at the new place and still need to work)
Also, I'm trying to get an answer to that question.

The move isn't going to be finished tomorrow for the kids. Ex already has plans so I will have to make do somehow at the apartment with them. All our stuff is there so that's where we are going to stay.

SO I hear a song come on that stopped me in my tracks. I called it a night




Strangely fitting...almost

Gettin' there

I'm tired, real tired. I spend all day working then go and unpack some stuff. The hardest part is A) reassembling the furniture so that I have room to work wit; primarily my office stuff, that has the most boxes to empty. B) finding where to put stuff. I'm moving out of a modern, custom built (kind of) home into an apartment that is 1/3 the size and over a hundred years old. I had to buy glass racks because my wine glasses don't fit in the cabinets, the shelves are not adjustable. I have a full pantry to move and no place to put it all. It's food, I'm not going to toss it.

I did get a lot done tonight despite the late start. But I need to figure out what to do with the boxes now. There is a temptation to save them because I KNOW I will need them in a year or two, but that's silly.

I wish Delores could help me figure out how to arrange stuff. I think it would be fun, the two of us trying to determine which wall was best for a TV I don't watch or the couch I only sit in when she or the kids are around.

It is now VERY early in the morning and I need to be out of the house (yes, I am staying here on the floor because of an Internet situation and I need it for work) with the dog by 9:30.
Oh the fun that lays ahead

Stamina

Delores has commented on my physical stamina before and it is not without merit.

I have been an athlete my entire life; football and lacrosse.

I played positions that generally required size and power. I compensated for my lack of enormous stature with strength, both of body and heart. I don't give up.

In the Marine Corps, the will to win was sometimes the difference between success and failure.
Have you ever put 80 lbs of gear on and walked at a brisk pace for 26 miles? Believe me, the pain is excruciating and the desire to just finish on your own two feet is what makes the difference. The will to win.

I have also had the pleasure of staying up for 4 straight days on multiple occasions. That took some physical ability and will power.

I am in the process of moving out of my house into my new apartment and have been doing so for a week. It involves some heavy furniture and a steep flight of stairs. I am hurting....bad. But I will win this. I have my kids this weekend and I need to have it done for them.

I have only felt this way one other time in my life; a football game.

As I mentioned before, I started on the varsity as a sophomore. I played offensive guard and was rotated at inside linebacker with a senior so that he could get some play time (I can't imagine my spot being taken over by a 15 yr old kid who was half my size, but that's what happened to him) and I could get some rest during the game
He got a neck injury one week. There was no one to fill that slot. I had to play. I had to fill his spot on special teams as well.

I never left the field. I always played with intensity. I always "left it all on the field".

I collapsed at the final whistle. I couldn't move. I had nothing left to give. I was carried off to the bus.
I was carried into my house. My father had to undress me. (that's embarrassing if you know how football pants fit). I slept the entire day.

I learned a lot about myself that day. It took years before it became ingrained as part of me, but that day, I learned that I will survive. I could survive anything as long as I had the will to do so.

"That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger"

I am a strong ass SOB now