I cant send it

All I want is to send her an email.... just a request.
I shake uncontrollably when I get close to the send button... My body won't let me do it.

She knows what it is... shit I can't even put it here...

I'm trying so hard and it just wont get put down.....

Just so that you all know

In case anyone was wondering, I don't read Delores' blog.
Simply because I'm afraid to.

She knows that

If there was anything that I really needed to know, I trust that she would tell me.

She knows that too

Where the hell does it go?

I got to see her on Thursday. Kind of a last second decision for me to drive to her and it had been so long since I had seen her without a stopwatch on us, that I got almost overly excited. I was even a little nervous on the drive for some reason.

But there was a little of a clock on us; it was a work night.
I blinked my eyes after getting there and it was WAAAY late and super past her bedtime. It disappeared... the entire night just disintegrated as soon as I looked at her.
Not disintegrated in a bad way, but the time just flew by so fast that I honestly felt like I had just gotten there.

How does she do that? How does she make that happen?

Anger, Hate and Resentment

I can't fucking believe this. Shit is still being decided for me.

I was supposed to have the kids this weekend. Ex had made some plans for them to go swimming with her Aunt on Saturday. I didn't have a problem with that at all. I don't have access to a pool and they really enjoy it. Ex told me to coordinate with Auntie about getting them there and such as Auntie had picked them up on Friday.

I called and left a message, and again on Saturday.

Ex sends a text this morning "You have the kids?"

"Nope. Nothing from Auntie either and I am pretty pissed. they're my kids, not theirs"

And it went back and forth about how I am sick of being treated like this. Her family keeps deciding things, especially when it comes to me seeing my children. In Ex's defense, she had no idea. She really thought that they were here.

Her family has picked what events I'm allowed to attend, what holidays, birthdays, and now, THEY DECIDE MY FUCKING VISITATION????????

Ex didn't blame me for being mad. She tried to call and I didn't answer. I was too angry. I told her that I didn't answer because I would end up taking it out on her and I knew it wasn't her fault.

I do know that I will get them today, and I WILL LAY INTO THEM. They pissed me off to much in this whole situation from the beginning.

They blame me, without knowing what happened, and I keep my mouth shut. They ask to take them to special events (without me of course) on my weekends. I give them up for a few hours because I know that the kids will like it and I cant afford to expose them to these things.
I even gave up Easter because they do some pretty neat things for all the kids.
They feel it is "Inappropriate" for a father to spend time with his kids around Ex family members.

I never had an issue with them before. I don't care about the boyfriend being there. I really don't. But I really wish that I could spend some of those special holidays with them that they always remember.
"No one else does it" I keep being told.
BULLSHIT, people do it everyday.
Ex and I get along well enough to interact. I don't give a shit how they feel. But to threaten to boycott a 1st birthday if I attend??? What The Fuck?????

My kids... MY KIDS.... I've had enough of this shit

Remembering the good ol' days

There was a Facebook posting this morning from a good friend. He was heading back to the old stomping grounds with his wife and kids and had commented about wondering if certain things were still there. It jogged some memories REAL fast, and the first one was of Delores and a specific night we had outside.

She and I had been there several times. I had been there hundreds upon hundreds. And there were tons of old ghosts that ran around that place.

But this particular night, we got it on in the grass on a hillside. and the more I think about it, the clearer it becomes. Not anything other than looking at her on top of me. I see it more vividly with every thought of it. The way her eyes closed, they way she leaned ever so slightly back. i can still feel her hands on my chest.

So I had to go. There were just to many memories not to. I found the spot where she and I had been that night and the entire hillside was covered in pricker bushes and weeds. every spot except one. For lack of a better term "our spot". That was covered in clover. A thick, plush, soft bed of clover in the midst of all this sharp, prickly garbage.

I didn't believe it. I checked from all angles, near and far, but that was the spot. I remember because of the angle of that particular area and the proximity to some unchanging, unique landmarks. There was our spot and it was even better than when it was the well tended grass.

Now Delores knows that I have partied in that area hundreds of times. She and I have shared a lot of firsts with each other. There is something that she doesn't know about that place.
I have never been intimate with someone there. Not before, not since.
It's an "only" for me.
I thought about it the whole drive there, and now, I can't stop thinking about it.

From the ground up

I can help grow someone from an established local company to a nationwide name.

I had an interview today and they want be... BAD...
Drawback is that it is pretty much a commissioned base job and I am one of the first in my position. And they would like me to build an extensive territory that I would then turn over to newbies that I would manage.

The potential is enormous. The risk, while there, I think is manageable and it is an outside, home based position that still gives the flexibility to look around.....

I don't know.

I do know something is going on with delores. I felt it as i was coming back from the interview.
She has the odd position of being almost "over employed", or at least in some serious demand.
I mentioned something about traffic and she let me know that it would let up at a specific spot, but I had got a feeling around then.... something. Not bad, not good, but something... something didn't sit right for a few minutes. But it passed. Not like some that drag on for days on end when I know that there is something really bad is going on.

She was thinking about me, because I know that feeling. I know it from the past... a long separated past.
I just don't know what it was that she was thinking

Did I call it or what

Yup.. I just got screamed at about how stupid and irresponsible I am. How I cant hold a job and how she desperately needs my money to pay her bills.
how I am a bad father for not supporting my kids.
She yelled at me to get some kind of income so I can pay her, my bills do not matter... I tried to explain that if i don't pay for my car, no job will come at all...
Not her problem.... give me money

Swim classes are being signed up for too, so is soccer, and another vacation... and she cant pay her bills while I am literally sweating like a pig in this fucking oven of an apartment... and its my fault.

For Sale

Everything I have.

Strange turn of events

I am now unemployed. lost my job on friday. In the search for new employment, I keep coming across the posting for my position. I laugh some because the description is not what the job really entails, but that is how they are going to get some lower cost, less effective help. One of my former co-workers mentioned to me that it was ridiculous for me to be let go. He sees the weekly numbers and knows that I had surpassed expectations in less than a year while others from my team are half of were I was after 2 and 3 years on the job... There's nothing I can do about it except look for something else.

Delores starts working again this monday. I really hope it works out for her and into a permanent position, she's been looking for so long that I'm sure that the searching and resumes got to be aggravating.

Odd that my days are now free and hers are now occupied, but again, nothing I can do about it.

I did get to see her yesterday briefly. She was on a long drive back and stopped for a break near my place. I know she was tired, but something was off, she seemed distant... pulling away... I don't know. It could have been me just looking for something considering all the negativity the past few weeks that has surrounded just about every aspect of my life... absolutely nothing is going right, so maybe I am waiting for that hammer to fall as well. I hope it is just in my head, but that is pretty much the only thing left to loose right now.

Then there is the impending fight with Ex. She is going to rip into me. No more insurance (paid by me that is) for the kids, no more income left to give her to support the vacations, even though she insists that she cant pay her bills. I'm not even really going to be able to have the kids stay over, I cant afford the utilities. I don't run the AC and it gets dangerously hot in here at times and I can't afford the bill as it is..

This really is turning into a very, very ugly mess. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I do, I keep looking... and at times, I hope it is the train....

The Wonder Years

I grew up with a mom and a dad and a brother 2 years younger.
dad worked and mom stayed home... for a while.
She spent a lot of time on that corded, rotary dial phone, telling me and my brother to "go out and play".
The neighborhood was a good, safe one and a lot of friends lived close by.....

When we would get home for dinner, mom and dad would be yelling.... that's all they did. I never have figured out what it was about, but that is all they did.
She got a part time job as a bartender at some point, working at a relatively nice restaurant.
She would sleep on the couch. I remember getting up more than once to get breakfast and she would be there, so I would be quiet... I had to go to school. I would get my brother up too, and sometimes my dad. He would ask if mom was there. If I said she was on the couch, we would tell me to get my brother set up and get off to school. I was 9.

She left.

When I was 12

Saw her about once a year after that.

when she left, I became responsible for my brother.... 12 years old and now, the father of a 10 yr old. My dad would sequester himself every night in his room with a few cases of beer. Lunch money would be left only if I badgered him from the minute he walked in from happy hour until he went to his room. groceries were not in the fridge, not because there was no money, but because no one got them.

So I started asking for money for food. I started the shopping. And I had to walk. It was only a mile to the store, but your shoulders start to hurt after a while carrying all that. I went every few days because I could only carry so much.

So I start high school, and the sports that go with it. I chose football for the fall. my brother now became responsible for getting me up because it was my first time at it and your body really takes a beating, so I would sleep a little harder that I used to.

One day, he wakes me up and said there was no lunch money. I told him to pack one. He said "there's no lunch stuff".

I got up, and there wasn't. Dad had eaten everything the night before. I had the change left from the previous day of shopping, so I gave him a few bucks to buy lunch and realized how things had turned.

I got a job.
And played football
and lacrosse
and went to school
and gave my brother money for lunch
and cooked dinner
and cleaned (kind of)
and started paying some of the bills
homework fell by the wayside

Dad had stopped drinking so much by the time we were both in high school and was running and taking care of himself. But the damage was already done. I was my brothers surrogate father. I had provided when we needed it. I kept the lights on, I kept food in the house... I even helped pay the mortgage sometimes.

So he meets someone and gets married. She has a daughter my age and I get moved to the basement, so the new girl can have the room I grew up in because it is more comfortable.. go figure. I was still "responsible" for paying some of the luxuries I had introduced...like cable tv, and the world exploded when I had it turned off if I was the only one paying for it.
I started drinking heavily to the point I went to rehab at 16... Lost scholarships out the ying-yang because I was athletically ineligible my junior year.

Delores met me the following year... in all my misguided glory. And I met her. And have never forgotten.

My new step mom kicked me out the summer I turned 18... the summer I fucked up with Delores. I was "not appropriate" for a family environment.....

That was the place I lived when I called Delores and she came over... and left in the middle of the night while I was still sleeping

A harsh reality

I am losing my job in a few days.
No one is hiring, no one that pays more than unemployment
Unemployment won't cover the rent.
If I don't find something soon, I will be unemployable in about a month.

In about a month, I will lose my car insurance, a month later, the car. I will lose utilities around that time as well as my phone and internet.

Wont even be able to look for something, much less be able to be contacted or even get to an interview......

I can survive the street, but my dog.... she's bad enough as it is

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me that
I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good
For something
Hold on feeling like I'm heading for a
Break down and I dunno why
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then You'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Talking to myself in public
And dulging glances on the train
And I know I know that they ‘ve all been talking about me
I can hear their whisper
And it makes me feel that there must be something wrong with me
After all the hours thinking somehow I‘ve lost my mind
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I've been talking in my sleep
Soon they'll come to get me
And they're taking me away
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired I know
Right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
And how I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little lonely
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

Vacation????

This is my last visit with the kids for the next few weeks, possibly longer.
Ex is taking them on vacation with her boyfriend and the couple that we used to vacation with every year.

I don't care that he is going on vacation with my kids, I don't care that I lost some friends in this, I don't care that they are going where I used to go every year.

What I do care about is how the hell she can tell me she can't pay her bills and needs my check every two weeks ( knowing that I am not able to keep my utilities on half the time and have consulted a bankruptcy attorney) but can continue going on these vacation sprees; the last few months, there has been a flight somewhere at least once a month and I have had to rearrange my schedule to accommodate that.

It's really going to throw her for a loop when I lose my job in a few weeks

What the fuck???