It looks like my last post was the very beginning of Dec. Almost 2 full months. Shit has really turned on me; I really do hope that it's the test of my fortitude because this is really starting to suck big time.
I still don't have a job.
Shortly before Christmas, I had to put my dog down. Her health was failing and I knew it was just a matter of time, but it was an emergency decision that did it. I woke up one morning and her entire face was swollen up...and I mean BAD. She looked like Rocky after his first fight with Apollo Creed. Eyes were completely closed, blood was everywhere coming from her nose, and this putrid smell of death was everywhere. I've smelled it before and that is how I knew what I had to do. She was still very conscious but scared...not panicky, but scared. Shit, she couldn't see. So I had to carry her down the stairs so she could go out and luckily it was a nice, bright sunny morning. I set her down in the sun so she could have the light and the heat and basically be outside one last time... all while I made the calls to find the emergency vet that was open on a weekend.
She was 110 lbs when I picked her up from the vet in 2001 the day she got fixed. She was 55 lbs on this last vet visit in Dec. The doc told me I made the right decision. I gave away her leash later on that month when I was house sitting. It took me a month to pick up and put away the food and water bowls.
Her collar is still in my truck
I got a chance to earn a few bucks house sitting for 4 days. That turned into 10 because of flight delays. So I did make more and got to use free utilities and had hot water (long story), but the time pushed into the holidays and Ex wasn't returning any calls about when I would get to see the kids.
I guess a hot shower was nice.
[my hot water heater only "warms" the water in the winter time. I've mentioned it to the landlord, but I cant complain too much because I am behind with him, but he really is cool about it. and by warm, I mean that its not freezing]
I got to see my kids in January to give them their Christmas presents; I hadn't seen them since October. That 1 1/2 hour visit was spent at a local mall near Ex's place because "YOU HAD BETTER HAVE THEM BACK HERE BY 1:00"... cant do much with a 2 hr drive like that but we walked around and went to the Disney store. They have gotten so big. One funny thing that my little girl asked me was if we were going to the place with the playground....she always asks me that. I had to tell her that we couldn't this day, but next time they stayed over we would. She asked me to invite P.... Delores' boy. I had to tell her that we probably wouldn't see him for a long, long, time. That is when my 5 yr old dropped this bomb on me.." That's ok.. we're moving far anyway. We are going to move in with....[I need to give him a name... can't come up with one right now] Ex's boyfriend"..
WHAT THE FUCK???????
Ex moved out of the state at the beginning this month. She tried to offer a reason why when I dropped the kids off. I didn't care about "WHY"; in fact, I thought he was moving into her place several months ago... I even suggested it when she said she couldn't afford her rent. She thought I was upset about a "why".. I was upset because she was now taking my kids an additional 3 hrs away and didn't even tell me. I don't give a shit WHY.... I know why... but, like everything else that was wrong with us, my feelings don't matter. She wants her money..... that I know.
I have one last grasp at a job before I have to resort to the inevitable "work at the job mom hooked you up with and drive 50 miles one way for minimum wage and be right were you are now but at least be employed and have to listen to her bug the living shit outta you even more that moving into her 5x7 spare room is way better than your own place or even a cardboard box"
I will eat a gun before I move in with my mother..
And I might even join the Army (ohgoddidijustsaythat) I got a personal email from a prior service recruiter that needs my skill set....still mulling that one over. It was a decently lucrative offer.
I have not laid eyes on Delores since August... and that last visit... was not exactly the ideal. Something was wrong, and it's been covered...but I still haven't seen her. We still email daily with maybe one or two 24 hr periods that had a gap. And I really haven't heard much from her since Dec/Jan but I think I know why. Outside of normal obligations, her first OG deployed to a war zone and I know that is doing a number on her.
I'm not saying that I have been tossed aside, but when he left, I stopped hearing from her the way she used to... the tone, the wording, the signatures.......the feelings I get from her......all that changed.
I know there is nothing I can do and there really isn't; I tried for decades to shake her. she wont ever go away and I think I can live with that for some reason; just a missing piece of the soul....
If any of you follow her blog, pass on a message for me that I cant seem to be able to tell her myself (possibly from the extended unemployment and disgustingly humbling things that I have had to do and sell in order to keep going)
I miss you tremendously. Not many minutes go by that a thought of you permeates me. I can still feel you when you think about me and I can feel it when you shut it off. I still dream sometimes of that small, simple house on the lake, and cant help but think of that possibility whenever I pass one.. and I pass one almost daily. You really are a piece of me; that is something that cannot change. I wish that I was in a better position to be like I was, and by that I mean not where I am now. I think that I know what you want and I even promised it to you on a Thanksgiving day.. 2 yrs ago. That is still all that I can promise.......but I don't think that you want it from me anymore
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