I dont know

I really don't know what i would do if it is over.
I don't like the thought of her not in my life again. She was gone for so long and I couldn't forget then, I know for a fact that I can't ever forget now.

And the memories are all around me so even that attempt would be futile.

I don't think it is over, at least I hope. I keep hearing my friend's voice in my head over and over again. What he said to me when this first started

"Be patient.... stay calm and be patient"

Maybe it is some space she needs to sort it out still. We talked about it several times before. Distancing some. I was prepared to step back if she did move out, to let her experience the world as a single woman because it is pretty much necessary if there was going to be any hope for a future together.

I don't know where I stand for the first time in all this. I keep waffling back and forth about asking, and then I realize I don't want to know. If there were no feelings anymore, I'm sure she would tell me, so I don't think that's it. I don't know if I'm going to make it through this mess I'm in and I wonder sometimes if that could be it; that I'm not the great catch that I was before because I have been getting down and negative recently, when I was positive person even through some rough times.

I just don't know any more.

I do know that I think about her a lot and still hope
I know that she still thinks about me.
I know that we have been through a lot of shit the past several months
I know that I want her to be happy.
I know that the signs keep coming for me to hold out hope
I know that I am scared shitless at the thought of losing her again