I miss her so much

It's indescribable. It really is.
My thoughts are constantly turning her way.

I miss the look on her face, the way she smiles.
I miss the feeling I get when I see her.
I miss those butterflies on the drive or during the wait.... you know, that anticipation as it builds.

I have started to take a pretty heavy beating lately, getting pushed down pretty low and that has started to cause me to get a little negative. Nothing has gone right at all and it just keeps getting worse.
It makes me miss her even more, because when I'm done getting dragged through the days shit pile, that's it. All that's left is the wait for the next dragging to start.

I fantasize still about it actually ending up the two of us. Being able to share the day, good or bad. I think about what it would feel like to call and say "hey, lets do dinner" or "lets meet up for one or two at happy hour". Even the far fetched one that she would come over and just sit with me and let me lay my head down on her lap and let me look up at her.

Its getting harder and harder to describe because I'm starting to close myself off from the world, from feelings. I'm starting to turn into my dad, and that is a frightening thought.... those parallels are just to much. So the gym it is... that's the fix I need... get the exercise going again..

But I miss her so. There was a time that I had taught myself that she didn't want anything to do with me. That's how I dealt with it and even then, a week didn't go by that I didn't think about her; what was she doing?, where was she?, was she happy?.... did she think about me at all?
Now, now I don't know how to do it. I was so close....so close. and then not and then again, and then not.
It hurts. I miss her so much that it hurts.