Yes, I am

I am one of those people you need to slam in the head with a frying pan.
I'm bull headed and will stick to my guns if the only other option is death... because then at least, I will go down fighting.

Battles are won and lost everyday; some are gargantuan such as actual combat, or a fight against cancer..... some are small.. such as the "please boss, can I go home early"..

Everyday battles are fought. Husband vs. Wife, Child vs. Parent, Man vs. Machine... in my case, Man vs. Life..

The difference between the victor and the vanquished is often a very thin line... some depends on a little luck, a little more skill, a little more training... and sometimes its who can stand the longest.

I did my best, I stuck to my guns.. I have no regrets. I did what I said I was going to do.. and little do you all know, I still am.

" for as long as you will have me"

I said those words a year and a half ago. I meant them. The romance is gone.. I know that better than any of you.. in fact, I have probably known it LONGER than any of you. None of you have ever seen our interactions... in between these posts, we have conversations. None of you can feel the intuition that I have, nor have seen the look on her face when she couldn't tell me last year that it was done... but I knew, because I could see it. I could feel it as well.

I just needed her to tell me. She did that last week.

She has not dismissed me.. not said "I never want to see you again".. not said to go away... she's tried to push some.. hinting at things that she knows I don't want to hear. Testing my resolve a little I guess.. maybe some self protection on her part. But there is something else.... we have been friends from the beginning in this. Regardless of what the initial intentions were of that first visit... I knew what was going on. Some of the first advice I had ever given to her in my life was that first day.
It was in the hallway of my house, they had been there for just a few minutes. In the couple emails we had exchanged the few days leading up to this, I had gotten the information I needed...

"Please, get yourself sorted out and get yourself happy, before you do to someone what happened to me"

That's what I said... that's what I said to her. Before the apology, before that admission that I had thought of her all this time, before the confessions, before the kiss..

I was her friend first. And I still am
And I always will be.
And I shit you not.. the girl needs a friend right now that will tell it straight. whether she listens or not is a different story. All I can do is call it like I see it.

I may have "lost" the battle for her heart. I can live with that because I fought the good fight and fought it to the end.. to the decision.

But I will not stand idly by and watch the only woman that I have ever truly loved destroy herself without sound advice.. objective advice.. based on facts. I can do that, and I have... what you all don't know is that I have done that all this time.

The battle for her heart may have ended, but I will make DAMN sure she does not lose her soul. I am standing my post at her side until I am dismissed.

Because I said I would

and just to give you some insight to WHY I was willing to fight to the end... outside of feelings and looks and all that other crap... because at heart, I am a warrior... its what I do.

I read this at my fathers funeral over 3 years ago.. when he lost his fight... I was 33

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."