two years ago....almost

I was delivered some of the worst possible news any man could ever have to hear almost two years ago... next month it will be two years.

I thought I was going to die when I heard those words..... "I don't know if you're his father".... my boy was a month old... to the day... and she chose our anniversary to tell me...

"I don't know..."

Not a "I fucked around when we were trying for a second child and I'm sorry, but he is yours"

Not a "I fucked around on you, he's not yours...I'm sorry)

(this is all nutshell conversation shit.. I really don't like reliving it again, thankyouverymuch)

I don't know.... and then the worst three weeks of my life started... worse than any car accidents, any bloodshed, any firefights... any of it..... the worst three weeks I have ever experienced to date.

I had to wait out a paternity test.... the results came back the Thursday before Father's day... he was mine. And it was delivered in such a cold manner that I know that is where a lot of my resentment for Ex comes from... from the "he's yours" and then going back to watching tv.. because her life didn't change regardless... but mine could have..... drastically.

We lived under the same roof for months, trying to salvage what we could as far as equity in the collapsing house market... we sold it and ended up loosing $300,000... not chump change by any means.. I took the brunt of that loss..

There's a lot of fighting and money taking and moving and all kinds of other shit that happened.... and then... then I got my own place.. my OWN place.... I got it last year.

I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!!!! it's mine. I do what I want, I come and go as I please. If I leave a bottle cap on the counter the world does not implode.. nor does it if my socks are on the floor.
IF the tv is turned on... it's what I feel like watching and the volume doesn't have to shake the windows... I can read a book in bed.. as late as want to and not be restricted to a time limit, and if I fall asleep while reading said book... wow...I'm not an irresponsible idiot. I can cook what ever I want as many times in a row that I want to have it.
I know how much money I have in my account and it doesn't decrease by leaps and bounds as purses and shoes miraculously appear.

Yeah.. it was a tough road. And yeah, I'm still unemployed.. But I started a business of my own as a solution.. and no one has told me that I can't do this line of work because the title isn't "impressive" enough or because the immediate 6 figure income didn't materialize.

It was tough and I'm broke, but not only am I happier than I have ever been, I'm motivated and I enjoy waking up in the morning because I look forward to another rough day of dirt and dust and grime....and when I walk in the door... no one says "when is dinner going to be ready".. followed by "why did you make that, I don't want that"..

HEHEHEHE.. why the fuck was I so scared almost two years ago?????