Shattered

OAR says it best..

How many times can I break till I shatter
Over the line can't define what I'm after....
I'll always turn the car around

Something is happening. Something is going on. I can feel it. I haven't survived this long with it being wrong.
I tried to ask Delores if there was anything I should know. I chickened out and decided that I didn't.

I don't know if I am ready yet. Ready to hear that it really is over. If it is, i need to know. I've been begging for a sign, an obvious one; that tells me "yes" or "no". Stay or leave. I've got nothing. All the signs are gone now.

i just want her to tell me the truth. I understand her brain going back and forth. I really do.
But something else is going on..I can tell. I wish she would tell me if she has decided. If she realized that it wasn't love, but lust, or loneliness, that she had felt for me. That the thrill is gone now that DH knows.
That she really doesn't want to leave at all and just told me what I wanted to hear.

Just the truth, I've been straight with her.

It could be something else entirely that I'm feeling. I kind of hope it is. But something is going on, Something big. and the more that I think about it, the more that I think that I really just ended up fucking her life up so irreparably, that she will end up hating me. She had things going in a way that she was used to, and I stepped in and turned it all over.

I'm starting to not be able to sleep again. I'm starting to doubt myself.

I really think a lot about how much better off she would be if I had stayed gone and not disrupted her life. I keep thinking that she wants to repair things, but doesn't have the heart to tell me. I keep thinking that she does know what she wants.

And then I waver back the other way. If its just trying to sort the info, I understand that. If she has made a solid choice....I need to know. If not...I can hang....but I think I may need a vacation