Delores has every right to hate me. She has had that right for 17 years, and she has that right for the rest of her life. I was horrible to her when we dated. And I did probably the worst possible thing that someone could do.
This is nothing she doesn't know. I've confessed it all to her. She has said "forgive", but I don't fully believe that she does. I have never and will never ask for forgiveness because I don't believe I deserve it.
That first day, one of the first things I said was " I owe you an apology". I did.
I used to try to cheat on her regularly. I would make arrangements behind her back. Things always were interrupted in some form or fashion including an incident that She walked in on. I never cheated sexually because it just always got foiled, but I screwed around behind her back.
The worst one has haunted me to this day and caused a lot of issues. And there are two parts to it. The part I remember, and the part I didn't.
I screwed around with her BFF (the one that hates me so much) on her prom night while she was passed out. It was, in fact, with with her BFF and some other girl. In an alley. Her BFF's date caught us and said that he should punch me. I agreed. I deserved it
And he did. I stood there and took it. Broke the shit outa my nose. He literally moved it about an inch to the right side of my face. I was drunk as shit and it HURT. I had to set it and that's when the blood poured out all over the ground.
That is the part I remember.
What I didn't remember, I was told By Delores on Dec 27, 2008. She went out to eat with this same BFF. That's when she confessed to her the affair in full detail. Thats also when Delores was told what happened that prom night nearly 2 decades ago.
She then came over to my house and told me that the "incident" had come up. I asked if the stories matched what I had told her. She said "Kind of".
Apparently, her BFF and I resumed things, with another random girl....on the bed...next to Delores...while she was passed out. Again, there was no sex, but I have no recollection of this.
My heart dropped to hear that come out of her mouth, I wish I had known. I wish I could have been the one to tell her. To see the tears in her eyes, to know that long buried pain came back to her, to know that I had just broken her heart again; it broke mine.
She has every right to hate me. She has every right to play games with my heart and my head. I don't believe that she has, but now you can kind of understand my surprise that she would even be FB friends with me.
I have never, and probably will never forgive myself for being such a drunken heartless bastard. I spent years correcting those behaviors and those traits and have been successful at it. That night was one of the main driving forces that put me in the Marine Corps.
They beat some sense into me pretty well. Maybe someday, I can stop beating myself about something that I can no longer do anything about
But that doesn't mean that I deserve her affection, much less a passing thought in her head
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