I Just realized

It's been two months...Just about two months since the shit hit the fan. In fact, on Tuesday it WILL be two months...eight weeks. I hope that was the feeling. I really do.

But it's not. Delores and I have been through some whirlwind shit this past six months. It really is hard to describe. Even if you have been followingthis from the beginning, it can't be explained. Even the people in our lives that have known us these almost 20 years can't understand it. At times, I don't understand it. I'm sure she doesn't either at times.

I've been through some rough spots in my life. This is very easily in the top three. It can never take number one...but lets just say that a prolonged deployment in the mid east is number 5.
Number one will always be the doubt around my son....those three weeks. Nothing will ever compare to that kind of anguish...but this is getting close. No matter what...there is always a lingering doubt as to what will happen. That is, until it happens. I have my hopes. I know better than to let go of that and automaticaly lose.
But until she is with me, until there is no more "secret", until I can hold her hand in public, or meet her for lunch because we feel like it, or call her to ask a question...until then, there will always be some kind of doubt.

Especially since I always lose