a 5 hour nap and I still hurt

I had hoped that a little extra rest would have helped alleviate all the stress from this week. I woke up 5 hours later...around 10:00 p.m. I have now just screwed up my entire sleep pattern, as if it wasn't already.

I hurt for some reason, my heart hurts. Similar to the "feeling" I would get when Delores would call things off...the feeling that I would have when we would try to cut off communication....similar to when she would tell me how much she wants to be with me, but can't....

I think it is just the missing. My feelings grow stronger everyday. Everyday I wish a little more, I hope a little more. But she hasn't decided. But I still hope.

I have had the privilege of having a pretty fucked up life where nothing really goes right. It looks like it might go right and I do something, or something happens to fuck it all up....35 years this has been going on. Then I keep plugging on. Why the fuck do I keep doing it?
I should have quite life years ago

I made a promise...more than just to wait. On Thanksgiving, I made a promise to her about our potential life...I intend to keep that one as well. One of the bad parts is that she is NOW right about something. It had come up in conversation one night that I was probably receiving a lot of female attention.
I wasn't. I didn't understand it at the time but now it makes sense.

I have started to get hit on a lot. It is MUCH, MUCH different than my younger life. I have had women approach me from 22 to 50. and all ages in between. I am much more surprised by the younger ones than I am by the ones around my age or older.....Seriously??? 22...24...WTF? where where you when I WAS 24? shit.. you were in elementary school.. Are they attractive? Most are. There is no hope there. I'm not stupid. So of course in the course of conversation.....I'm divorced, 2 kids...they go running. It's kinda fun. The Cougars... I just tell them I need to recover some still.

I really have no desire to find someone else. I know where she is. I know where my heart is. She has it and she always will. That will never change, no matter what. She has had it pretty much all of my adult life. Maybe that's why I feel so good when she is around.
But, all I know is that Delores is the one for me. That is who I will wait for. Until she tells me not to. And even then....my heart will stay with her, just like it always has. Because that is where it belongs