Heart

so... OG gave me (Delores) access to write on his blog. I'm not sure i should ever write here. the reason i deleted my blog the other day is because it's public. nothing i wrote on that blog was anything i couldn't tell to OG's face. but now i have some things that are going on in my head about the other other guy, the one currently deployed, that might hurt OG's feelings. simply writing that much is difficult, knowing that even this post may hurt him. i don't want to do that. i exchanged raw emotional honesty with OG. i accepted his love and, for a while, i returned it. i also, lest we forget, accepted an important apology for some stuff that caused me deep long-lasting pain. and i forgave him.

but my heart is mostly somewhere else. there is still an element of "what if" in me with regards to OG, i admit that. but i've taken my heart that i wrapped up neatly in a gift box, and handed it over to someone else. someone who (we'll see) might not feel its weight. i am not asking anyone to watch me get run over by a train. i'm just asking that those who care about me, including OG, respect my decision to follow my heart's desire. and when i'm face down in the mud, just give me some time before you say, "i told you so."

don't forget that my heart has a hole in it. atrial septal defect that can allow a clot to bypass my lungs and go straight to my brain at any moment. i found out today that i am not a candidate for surgery to fix it.

There is nothing wrong with OG or the way that he loves me. he is so many wonderful things. i am just drawn more now to someone who shares a very specific - life changing - experience with me.

in the end, i only really have my son anyway. my son behind one chamber door, and my vibrators behind another.