I hope its the time change

I've had this fucked up feeling the past ...well technically, few days now. Its a sinking in your gut. You know, the feeling from a roller coaster drop or when you drive over a hill to fast. It's not constant... but close. and it hits me in waves.
Sat night I got it around 9:00.... I had it again late sun morning and another wave at around 4:45 Sun afternoon. Its the same feeling I get when something big happens to someone close to me.

I emailed Delores to see if she was alright.... I haven't heard a thing... not all weekend... I hope to GOD it's not my kids, but I would have gotten a call about that (I like to think). Ex isn't exactly communicative now that she has moved in with her boyfriend. That is one of the reasons I've decided to grab hold of some bootstraps.

I've let my place go some over the winter months... It's been tough; its cold in here, the power is questionable (only because I need to pay them and keep fending it off), hot water is lacking (and I can't really complain because I owe back rent), I dug some old memories out of boxes which are now strewn all over the kids' room, I've done some repairs and have a couple tools laying around..... So I need to baby proof again.

I've been working on it this weekend...cleaning this place up. Especially after the move I helped with (that one, I will cover in a different post...its a FUCKED up one).
I want to see my kids, I want them to stay over here and spend time with me. I want my son to grow up knowing ME as his dad... his genetic dad...the one that made him and loved him and carried him when he was sick. Not the guy that stepped in (literally) on my boy. Not the guy that got to hold him and bounce him on his knee and look at Ex and say "Well, he was almost mine"....
My little girl loves him to death. I'm sure he's a nice guy and all, but my kids..MY KIDS moved in with him. He has no choice now but to meet me. And he will do that when I pick them up at HIS FUCKING HOUSE AFTER AN UMPTHSFR HOUR DRIVE.... just to turn around to bring them here, and reverse process 24-48 hrs later. I really cant afford the several tanks of gas for this, but I am going to do it. Because I need it. I need to see them and have them here. I need to watch them sleep, and see the things they do. To watch my girl and help her arrange her toys....to see my boy before he is 2 and only thinks of this other man as his his dad. And help him find bugs and sticks and dirt and worms... that is so much fun and I miss them, I miss them so much

I'm also going to have to explain why the dog isn't here anymore. They don't know yet. My girl will probably take it hardest. She has grown up with dogs, and I have always been the one tasked with being the bad guy and having to explain it on the brief visits I get....just shit I need to do I guess... I guess its "the price I have to pay" for marrying the wrong woman.

I am going to try to get my kids this weekend... and because of the timing, I'm going to try to get them this week...and I mean during the week....but I have a feeling that there will be an issue with "the family". but I am still going to try.

I really need to see my babies